


Kintsugi

by everywordnotsaid



Category: Team B (Band), iKON (Kpop)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-29 01:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 68,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6353560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everywordnotsaid/pseuds/everywordnotsaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kintsugi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken (or how Jiwon was never just a fish, he was always the sea)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

It’s barely 8:00 on a Tuesday night and they’re already fighting. It started at dinner, started with something stupid and small and petty, something they should have just been able to brush aside but they didn’t (couldn’t) and now they were here. And it always started like this, Hanbin would make some little off hand remark and Jiwon would just get this look in his eyes, steely and blank and cold and Hanbin knew as soon as he saw it that a storm was brewing and nothing he said or did was going to stop it. He shouldn’t be surprised, because this happened more often then this didn’t but it still felt like a slap to the face every time. The worst part is Hanbin tried so hard to make tonight a good night and it had started out so well. He had gotten off work at the university early, rushing through cleaning up the brushes and paint splatters of the day and stopped by the grocery store on the way home. He’d bought Jiwon’s favorite kimchi and some good meat, even splurging on a pricier bottle of wine. He’d cooked and cleaned up their messy apartment, thrown open the windows and filled a vase with flowers to put on the table. With some good luck and good timing he had dinner on the table just before Jiwon had walked in.

His eyes had widened in surprise, little lines crinkling into the creases of his eyelids. He had looked happy, ecstatic even, his eyes gleaming and lips splitting open into his crooked grin. He had grabbed Hanbin in his arms, fingers light against his back like butterflies and kissed him hard and Hanbin had smiled back into the kiss. When they’d pulled apart Jiwon had cupped Hanbin’s face in his long slender fingers and stared hard into his eyes and asked

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”

And even though they’ve been dating for three years Jiwon could still make Hanbin’s stomach flip like the first day he’d seen him so he’d shrugged and kissed him again as a reply, letting himself relax into the embrace. After they finally broke apart they sat and ate and finished their bottle of wine and Jiwon had told Hanbin about his day at work, how one of the producers he’d sent his music into had emailed him back saying he was interested and Hanbin had smiled and laughed and listened. It had all been good till it wasn’t (and that’s always was with Jiwon, it was either so good or it was so bad) and now they’re fighting again and Hanbin’s exhausted of the fighting, the fighting and shouting and the angry words they throw like knives at each other.

Jiwon is standing across the room every line of his body tense and silent and Hanbin tries to remember when their love didn’t feel like this. Tries to remember when they smiled at each other more then frowned and Hanbin looked forward to coming home at the end of the day. The memories are there but they seem so far away, tinted pink by new love and innocent hearts and the gentling haze of nostalgia. Jiwon’s voice cuts through his faraway thoughts and pulls him back to their apartment and their love that’s slowly falling apart. Hanbin sometimes thinks the problem is they know each other to well, and they know all the tender places on each other where it will hurt the worst to jab and it’s slowly tearing them apart.

“Are you even listening to me Hanbin?”

Hanbin shakes his head wearily, pushing the cobwebs to the edges of his mind.

“Yes, yes I am Jiwon.”

“So you understand why we can’t move to the U.S. then?”

And this is the crux of the matter, this is what they’ve been circling for the past month and a half.

“Jiwon I understand, but it will only be a year okay? Just one year and then we can come back. You know how important my art is to me.”

Jiwon shakes his head, “I get it Hanbin, but you know why I can’t go! I finally got producers interested in my music, things are finally picking up and I can’t afford to leave right now. I need this Hanbin, don’t you understand that?”

And Hanbin almost tells Jiwon how many times ‘things are finally picking up for him’, how many times he thinks he’s made it, and that sometimes he thinks Jiwon’s chosen an impossible dream. But that’s too cruel even for this fight, and there are some lines Hanbin will never cross so he doesn’t say that.

“Look, America has a huge music industry! You don’t have to give up, it could even be good for you to get into a new scene! If I don’t take this scholarship now Jiwon they’ll give it to somebody else, I probably won’t get this chance again ever.”

And even as he says the words Hanbin can see the stubborn tilt to Jiwon’s chin, see’s the look in his eyes and he knows he isn’t going to win this argument. Sometimes he wonders why he even tries. And Hanbin is tired, he feels exhaustion in his bones like an ache and all he wants to do is sleep and forget about this, and when he speaks again his voice is so quiet he wonders if Jiwon will even hear it.

“Please, Jiwon. For me.”

And for a second Jiwon’s eyes waver, for a second he looks hesitant. The words hang in the air between them and Jiwon shifts and looks at Hanbin, really looks at him for what feels like the first time in a while and his mouth opens and Hanbin is holding his breath because maybe finally Jiwon will bend before he breaks, but then the moment shatters and Jiwon’s face hardens again and Hanbin knows the argument is over.

“Look, it’s obvious neither of us are going to change our minds about this tonight. I’m going out.”

And Hanbin already knows how this will go. Jiwon will go out, get hammered and crash at Junhoe or Donghyuk’s place and won’t stumble back to their apartment till late afternoon the next day but he asks anyways (because he’s naïve, because he wants so badly to believe they might still have what they once did)

“When will you be home?”

Jiwon just pulls on his jacket, not looking at Hanbin.

Hanbin sighs, “At least text me, okay?”

Jiwon nods at him and Hanbin can see that he won’t. Then he’s walking out the door and even though Hanbin knows he’ll be back something seems so final about the moment. The door starts to swing shut and all he can see is Jiwon’s back and he doesn’t know why but he calls out.

“I love you,”

And it sounds almost like a question. Jiwon’s reply is quiet.

“I know.” And then the door slams shut and Hanbin is left in the empty apartment with empty dreams.

And suddenly he’s so angry, because this is so like Jiwon to run away when things get hard. And sometimes he feels like Jiwon always wins, Jiwon decided to move in together, Jiwon chose their apartment, Jiwon chose everything and Hanbin always follows. Hanbin always say yes and he’s so tired of saying yes, so tired of being dragged along. He looks around their home (it feels cold and dark and lonely even when Jiwon is there) and wonders where things went so wrong. He lets himself be angry for a second, lets the fear and frustration and everything wash through him and closes his eyes tight, grips the back of his chair so tight he feels the wood creak in his fist. When he opens them he isn’t angry anymore (he’s just exhausted). He sighs, scrubs at his eyes, and starts the dishes from a dinner that was meant to make things better again and just made things worse.

Later that night he’s laying in bed, trying to sleep but all he can think about is Jiwon out at some bar, about how he’s going to lose the biggest opportunity he’s ever been offered. Thinks about a plane ticket he already bought sitting hidden in the pages of an old worn textbook Jiwon would never even look at on his bedside table. This scholarship only goes to one or two students a year, the opportunity to study the art form of your choice at Columbia and an exhibition at a gallery in New York at the end. It’s a once in a life-time chance and Hanbin knows it. He still loves Jiwon, truly does but he’s done with putting himself second. He’s not going to give up on this. And something shifts inside him, and as he lays in the dark and quiet he makes a decision. 

He throws off his sheets and gets up, breath catching in his throat. Walking to the closet he pulls down his suitcase and throws it open on the bed. Before he really knows what he’s doing he’s pulling clothes out of his wardrobe and tossing them in the bag. Half an hour later he sits in front of a packed suitcase and his chest is tight with excitement. He casts a glance around the small room and his eyes land on the photo that stands on his bedside table. It’s him and Jiwon, standing arms wrapped around each other. He’s staring at Jiwon in the picture, smiling and unaware (and it hurts to see how in love he looks) but Jiwon’s eyes are locked on the camera, stare dark and sharp like he’s looking through the picture to whoever’s looking at the photograph. And maybe that’s always just how their relationship has worked, Hanbin happy with what they had now and Jiwon always hungry for the future. He picks it up, fingers tracing the way their bodies fit together and smiles wistfully at the way they still look so happy. He almost packs it, but he thinks about Jiwon’s back standing cold and aloof in their doorway and he puts it back on the table.

The next morning he wakes up and for a second he’s confused by the suitcase standing by his bed, and then everything rushes back and it’s like an electric shock. He’s up and dressed in record time, throwing last minute items into a backpack. Hopefully he can get Jinhwan to send him anything he forgets. He thinks about Jiwon coming back to their empty apartment and he feels a little guilty but then he thinks about New York and the bright lights he sees when he closes his eyes burn away any last vestiges of doubt. He writes a letter to Jiwon, and when he’s finished he slips his key in between the folds, tucks it under the empty vase on their kitchen table. He stands by the door and gives a last look to the room where he and Jiwon loved and lost and fought and picked up each others pieces and it hurts a little. But he slips his hand into his pocket and the plane ticket in his pocket feels like a fresh start. He turns and switches off the lights and when he leaves he doesn’t look back.


	2. Chapter 2

One Year Later

He’s been gone a year but stepping off the plane it almost feels like no time at all. He can’t put his finger on why but there’s something about Korea that feels different then the US, and walking through Incheon airport he breathes in the smell of home. 

As he reaches the exit gate he looks around for Jinhwan. At first Hanbin almost misses him, hidden behind the crush of people waiting but then he pushes forward and Hanbin can’t help but smile at the homemade sign he holds

Welcome Home Hanbinnie! 

He waves and Jinhwan’s face lights up, when he reaches him Jinhwan doesn’t even wait to say hello before pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Hanbin had forgotten that despite his diminutive stature Jinhwan’s capable of very tight embraces. Jinhwan finally releases him and steps back, wiping at his eyes. Hanbin laughs,

“Are you crying Jinwhan? You know I was only in America, not Mars.”

Jinhwan shoots him a rather watery glare and slaps him lightly on the arm

“It might as well have been! You barely let us know you were alive! Anyways, it’s really good to have you back. We’ve missed you.”

And Hanbin smiles gently at his best friend

“Yeah, it’s good to be back.” he doesn’t let himself think about who we meant.

Since Hanbin hasn’t found a place to stay yet Jinhwan offered to let him crash on his couch as long as he needed. The ride back to his apartment is a recap of what Hanbin missed in the year he’s been gone. Graduation’s, break ups, promotions, Hanbin’s missed them all and he can’t feel a little sad because life went on without him and now he’s been left behind. Jinhwan’s still talking, eyes focused on the road ahead but Hanbin’s not quite paying attention anymore. His mind drifting to everything (everyone) he left behind.

“Chanwoo and his girlfriend got back together again, can you believe it?”

Hanbin’s silent, and Jinhwan looks over at him.

“Yah, Hanbin, are you asleep?”

Jinhwan’s voice pulls Hanbin back to reality and he shakes himself awake

“Uh yeah, sorry, what were you saying?”

Jinhwan sighs and shakes his head,

“I was giving you the highlight reel of the reality TV show that is Chanwoo and Ji-hye’s relationship but I can see you’ve got something else on your mind. So spill.”

Hanbin avoids Jinhwan’s gaze, instead staring out the window at the bustling sidewalks of Seoul.

“No, I’m fine it’s nothing.”

Jinhwan tsk’s at Hanbin and he has to restrain a laugh at how much of a mom Jinhwan is.

“Nothing never means nothing. We’ve been friends for years Hanbin, I can tell when something’s bothering you.”

And Hanbin knows he’s right, and the problem is what Jinhwan’s been carefully avoiding this whole time. He’s told Hanbin everything about everybody except for one person. Jiwon. As much as Hanbin wishes he could pretend he didn’t want to know, the truth is he does. So he turns to Jinhwan, takes a deep breath, and asks  
“How’s…how’s Jiwon?”

Suddenly Jinhwan falls quiet and it’s his turn to look away. He’s been smiling the whole ride but now his face is solemn, and a little sad. Hanbin feels something in side him twist. Jinhwan’s silence stretches on and even though it’s just a few seconds it speaks more then his words ever could. Hanbin laughs nervously and the noise sounds harsh and loud against the empty air. “Come on, how bad could it be Jinhwan. It’s not like he jumped off a bridge or anything right?”

The look on Jinhwan’s face when he finally turns to Hanbin makes him swallow hard, laughter disappearing as quickly as it had come. It’s the look of someone with bad news. Hanbin has seen this look before, on his dad’s face when he told him his first dog got hit by a car, the look the doctor’s gave his mother when her grandfather passed. But now it’s not a dog, or an ancient relative he barely knew. Now it’s Jiwon. Jinhwan shakes his head

“Jiwon…”

he pauses and bites his lip, fingers tightening on the steering wheel. “He didn’t take you leaving well, Hanbin.” 

“What does that mean, didn’t take it well. How would someone-“ His voice trails off as a thought occurs, one to terrible to even imagine and he’s almost afraid to ask but he can’t not know.  
“Holy shit, he didn’t actually jump off a bridge did he!?”

Jiwon makes a little choked noise and the car swerves abruptly, earning them a honk from the driver behind.

Jinhwan turns, his face a mixture of amusement and shock

“God no! Jesus Hanbin, don’t give your self to much credit. People aren’t going to go around throwing themselves off bridges as soon as you leave the country.”

Hanbin shrugs sheepishly, his face a little warm.

“Jeez I’m sorry, but you were kind of acting like somebody died you know.” And then, “But really, what happened?”

Jinhwan stares pointedly at the road ahead.  
“We can talk about Jiwon later, for now lets get you home and get a real meal into you okay?” 

His voice has that forced cheeriness of someone who is trying very hard to pretend that everything’s fine when it isn’t, strained and tense and bright. Hanbin can sense that the conversations over so he smiles and nods and doesn’t press again. The whole car-ride home though Jinhwan’s words sit at the back of his mind. 

It’s funny, because he’d never really considered the possibility of Jiwon being upset. Sure he’d imagined Jiwon coming home to the empty apartment thousands of times, imagined the look of shock, the anger (maybe even the grief) that came as he read Hanbin’s note but he’d never gone further then that. Never thought that maybe Jiwon wouldn’t just move on, and he thinks that’s because going further would hurt too much. Imagining Jiwon’s pain would make him doubt his choice and that was something he couldn’t afford to do so even as he’d painted oil onto canvas he’d painted a world where Jiwon had moved on, forgotten him. Even though the thought of Jiwon with someone else hurt, it hurt worse to imagine a world in which he didn’t. So he hadn’t, and he’d never contacted Jiwon, he’d told himself that it was up to Jiwon to reach out first because it was his job to fix things but maybe he was just being a coward. And Hanbin had always thought Jiwon was selfish, maybe he was the selfish one in the end. 

So Jinhwan chats and Hanbin smiles and all the while he wonders if maybe he’d made a mistake. 

They finally pull up to Jinhwan’s apartment complex, it’s a modern looking building fairly close to the edge of downtown Seoul with a nice view of the Seoul Tower in the distance. Jinhwan pulls carefully into a cramped space between two cars on the street in front. Hanbin climbs out of the car, stretching out his back and cranes his neck up,

“Don’t tell me, you live on the twentieth story and the elevator is broken.”

Jinhwan laughs as he pulls Hanbin’s luggage out of the trunk and sets it on the sidewalk beside him

“No, I’m on the sixth floor and the elevator works fine. And for your information this building only goes up eight floors.”

When Jinhwan unlocks the door to his apartment Hanbin raises his eyebrows and whistles

“Well, you’ve certainly moved up in the world!”

Jinhwan steps aside to let him in and smiles

“It certainly is a lot nicer then where we used to live during university isn’t”

Hanbin laughs,

“That’s setting the bar pretty low, that place was a shithole. I’m still amazed we made it through college with out structural collapse. But seriously, this is a really nice place Jinhwan.”

And it is, the walls are a creamy off white and the floors are some kind of pale honey colored wood. The small space looks spacious and light, with tasteful art and family photo’s decorating the walls. As he stands in the narrow entrance and looks around Jinhwan brushes past him, throwing his keys in a bowl by the door.

“So, quick tour. This is the living room” he says gesturing to the open room in front of them “The kitchen is through there, my bedroom is over there, and the bathroom is the door to the right of it. I went and bought a little folding bed so I figure we can just set you up in the living room.”

Hanbin nods as he surveys what is going to be his home for the foreseeable future.

“Okay sounds great. And Jinhwan, thanks again for letting me stay with you while I get my feet under me it really means a lot.”

Jinhwan turns and smiles that gentle smile of his

“It’s no problem. Anything for my best friend you know. Anyways, this will give us lots of time to catch up!”

And Hanbin feels his heart swell and ache with gratitude towards his best friend who welcomed him into his home and back into his life like it was nothing, who never turned away from him even when Hanbin was kind of an asshole. Who, when Hanbin had called him half sobbing half laughing from the airport in New York, hadn’t asked any questions or passed any judgment and instead just listened as Hanbin struggled to get the words out. Jinwhan places a gentle hand on his shoulder before he turns and heads into the apartment. Hanbin follows and smiles again, it feels good to be home.


	3. Chapter Three

That night Jinhwan makes Hanbin dinner, he tries to help but Jinhwan just brushes him aside indignantly, “what kind of host would I be if I let my guest make dinner their first day back!” Hanbin smiles and eventually gives up, Jinhwan can be so damn stubborn about some things. So instead he wanders around the apartment idly flipping through books and photo albums, he’s looking at the pictures Jinhwan has pinned to a corkboard hanging in his living room when one in particular catches his eye. It’s Jinhwan, smiling wider then he’s ever seen him before, hand linked with that of a handsome man. Hanbin raises his eyebrows and turns towards the kitchen 

“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend!”

Jinhwan appears, wooden spoon in hand and a sheepish look on his face. He scratches his head and looks at the floor

“Oh, well, it just didn’t seem that important.”

Hanbin raises an eyebrow, and looks back at the picture.

“So when did this happen?”

It turns out Jinwhan met Yunhyeong a few weeks after Hanbin had left, he was a barista at a coffee shop and Jinhwan was the customer who couldn’t stop coming back. 

“He asked me out by writing it on my coffee cup, he’s such a sweetheart. I’m really lucky to have him.”

Hanbin smiles at the dreamy look in his friends eyes, and ignores the ache when a little voices whispers that Jiwon used to look that way at Hanbin. He brushes it aside because Jinhwan is one of his best friends, and he should be happy he’s happy, not jealous. The sound of a pot boiling over from the kitchen snaps Jinhwan out of his reverie and he dashes off with a muttered curse. 

Later they sit and eat, a comfortable silence settling between them. Hanbin almost forgot what real kimchi (not the stuff that comes out of a jar) tasted like and he savors the homecooked taste of Jinhwan’s samgyeopsal and japchae. There’s a bottle of soju sitting on the table, now mostly empty, and Hanbin feels warm and comfortable, belly full and tongue comfortably heavy with alcohol. The small kitchen is bright and cozy, and the walls draw in a way that makes Hanbin feel at home. After they finish eating Jinhwan gets up to start clearing dishes but Hanbin waves him back,

“You’ve already cooked an amazing meal, let me clean up.”

He can see Jinhwan open his mouth to protest and quickly shushes him, grabbing their plates and heading for the kitchen. He doesn’t mind doing the dishes (he did plenty in the US by himself) quickly settling into the familiar routine of wash, rinse, dry. Jinwhan moves around in the other room, turning on music and putting sheets on a little fold out bed for Hanbin. It’s nice, to be with another person. The quiet silence of being alone together is comforting and familiar. It’s not that Hanbin didn’t make friends during his year over seas, he made plenty, but there’s a difference between being with friends and living with someone. Having someone always on the edge of your vision, brushing the periphery of your senses, out of sight but close enough to call. He remembers when it felt like that with Jiwon, when he felt his presence even when he was gone in the jacket thrown across Jiwon’s favorite overstuffed armchair, in his cd’s stacked to tipping all around their little apartment, in the smell of his cologne lingering in the air. In the their last months together before Hanbin had gone to the states it had felt different, colder and emptier. Even when Jiwon was there he felt like he was always a little bit somewhere else.

Before he knows it their dishes are washed and stacked in the little drying rack on the counter and Hanbin dries his hands on a tea towel before joining Jinhwan in the living room. They settle into Jinhwan’s couch and pour the last of the soju. The soft rhythm’s of some R&B ballad play in the background and the singers gentle crooning combined with the alcohol lull him into a gentle trance. Hanbin sips his drink and lets his head sink back into the couches, savoring the feeling of finally being home. They sit like that for a while, quiet except for the music in the background. When Jinhwan finally speaks his voice is soft and unsure, breaking the silence.

“I should tell you what happened with Jiwon.”

He sounds like he did earlier talking about, sad and hesitant. It makes Hanbin’s stomach twist uncomfortably and he sits up, setting down his glass. Laughing nervously he says,

“You’re really making me that worry with all this, don’t tell me he went and tried to join some entertainment company?”

Jinhwan doesn’t laugh though, just looks at his hands, at the wall, anywhere but Hanbin. And now Hanbin’s past concern and bordering on fear, the Samyeopsol churns in his belly and he feels sick. Jinhwan’s face when he asked about Jiwon earlier in the car flashes through his mind. 

“Jinwhan, please tell me. You’re really scaring me now.”

Jinwhan sighs, and finally looks at Hanbin and his eyes are sad when he does. 

“Please just… just promise me you won’t blame yourself for any of this? Jiwon made his own decisions.”

Hanbin’s heart thumps uncomfortably in his chest and suddenly the warmth of the room feels suffocating instead of cozy.

“Jesus Jinwhan I promise just tell me what he did, what happened.”

Images of Jiwon, hurt, suicidal, drinking himself slowly to death in dimly lit bars whirl through Hanbin’s mind like a series of bad dreams and he stares at Jinhwan, expectant. 

“Jiwon, well like I said he didn’t take you leaving very well. He was so upset for so long… everybody tried to help him but he just… withdrew from all of us. Wouldn’t respond to texts, stopped showing up to dinners or to go out. Eventually, Junhoe went over to your-

Jinhwan pauses here, tongue tripping over the unfamiliar phrase and Hanbin tries to ignore the stab of pain in his chest.

“his… apartment to confront him. Found him high on prescription drugs he’d bought god knows where and more stashed in the medicine cabinet. We tried to talk to him, get him help but he just pushed us out even more. We can barely get him to speak to us anymore.”

For a moment Hanbin just sits, frozen and shocked. The feeling starts somewhere in his stomach, icy and biting it spreads down his legs and up his back and neck till all he feels is numb. He doesn’t reply, can’t, because of all the things he expected to hear this isn’t one of them. This was never one of them. So many emotions flip through his head like an ipod on shuffle, fear, confusion, shock, concern, but eventually he settles on rage, and it burns the ice away and suddenly everything feels sharp and clear. Jinhwan looks concerned, hand hovering above the couch cushions like he wants to reach out and touch Hanbin.

“Hey, I just… don’t feel like this is your fault Hanbin.”

Hanbin stands suddenly, feeling like he has to move.

“That asshole.”

The words come out bitter and loud and angry (and he doesn’t feel like any of this was his fault) and Jinwhan looks a little shocked. He’s pacing now, prowling through Jinwhan’s furniture like a wild animal.

“How could he do this? To himself, and to all of us Jesus Christ he always thinks of himself first doesn’t he.”

Jinwhan looks at his hands

“Look, I get that you’re mad Hanbin it’s totally understandable and Jiwon has made some bad choices but just try to remember addiction isn’t a choice. He really needs help.”

Hanbin just shakes his head, and some small part of him knows that Jinwhan is right but the anger drowns that out (and he’s angry at Jiwon not himself, because what did he do but leave?)

“But he decided that drugs was a good way to handle his problems. Don’t you see, he always just takes the easy way out. Always. How could he be so stupid?!”

Jinhwan just stares at him with wide sad eyes and says nothing. Hanbin feels this energy building up inside of him, frantic and hot and urgent. He paces, fists clenching and unclenching and he feels like punching something and he doesn’t feel guilty, that’s not what this is, not guilt not shame because all he did was make the right choice for himself for once. He doesn’t think about how the taste in the back of his mouth is bitter and bright and filled with regret. 

Jinhwan lets him stew for a little bit before he speaks again,

“Maybe you should go and talk to him.”

Hanbin whirls

“No, I’m done with him okay. I don’t want to go see him.”

Jinhwan sighs

“I’m not saying you should get back together or anything, but I think you need some sort of closure or at least an ending with him. Just letting things linger and die like this can’t be healthy”

Hanbin shakes his head

“No. No, I can’t go see him. Especially not after this. I’m just… I’m tired Jinhwan. Tired of trying to make him happy, tired of always putting myself second. If Jiwon really wanted to try, he had a whole year to reach out to me and he didn’t. He’s obviously made his choice and I’ve made mine.”

Jinhwan sighs again and rubs at his temple. 

“Okay. Okay. But please, for me, just think about talking to him okay?”

And Hanbin loves Jinhwan and wants him to be happy so he nods his head and sits back down on the couch and Jinwhan smiles a little, but inside he’s already made up his mind.

Later that night Hanbin lies on his little cot-bed and watches moonlight filter through gaps in Jinhwan’s corn flower blue curtains. The light casts everything into high contrast, the pale furniture turning the color of bleached bone. The air is thick and heavy, the curtains lie still against the window frame and Hanbin feels like has time has frozen. If it weren’t for the soft ticking of the second hand on the clock hanging on the wall Hanbin could almost imagine that this was a freeze frame of a moment, like he’s the only thing still moving while the rest of the world slows and stills. Lying there Hanbin feels lonely in a way he hasn’t in a long time, even with Jinhwan sleeping in the next room.


	4. Chapter Four

When Hanbin woke up and rolled out of bed it was already half past 12. Groggily he stretched and rubbed his eyes and remembered how much of a bitch jet lag was. Pulling on an old university tee worn soft by time and wear and a pair of sweatpants over his boxers he padded into the kitchen. Jinhwan had already left for work but there was a note on the fridge. Squinting a little blearily Hanbin read Hope you slept well! There’s coffee in the coffee pot and some left overs in the fridge for lunch. I’ll be back around 5:30 but make yourself at home in the meantime. –Jinhwan Hanbin turns, pouring himself a cup of coffee and searches for a minute for sugar, he’s never been able to take his coffee black. Pulling open the fridge doors he grabs the Tupperware container of left overs, smirking at Jinwhan’s overly organized shelves of food. Scraping the cold japchae onto a plate he sticks it into the microwave. As his food heats he rummages in Jinhwan’s drawers till he finds a clean pair of chopsticks. When he has everything he sets his plate and cup on the small kitchen table and pulls out his laptop. As he eats he replies to his emails and scrolls idly through Facebook, when he’s done he sets his dishes in sink, grabs a clean set of clothes and goes to shower.

It feels good to wash off almost 14 hours of travel, sweat and grime and god knows what else from grubby airport seats. Hanbin tilts his head back and lets hot water beat a rhythm against his face, scrubbing hard at the bags beneath his eyes. He couldn’t bring his own shampoo from the US but he figures Jinhwan won’t mind if he steals some of his. When he reaches for the shampoo though he sees two bottles side by side, and he smiles. He grabs one, hoping it’s Jinhwan’s not Yunhyeongs. Stepping out of the shower he grabs a towel off the rack and dries himself off before getting dressed. Checking the time he sees it’s barely one, meaning four and a half hours of nothing to do till Jinhwan gets home from work. Hanbin sighs and resists the urge to just crawl back into bed and fall asleep. He ends up blasting terrible rap music and cleaning the kitchen from floor to ceiling (not that there’s much to clean, Jinhwan’s always been a bit of a neat freak) starting with his dirty dishes in the sink and ending with scrubbing every surface in the small space till it shines but that only eats up about 45 minutes. So, he moves on to the rest of the apartment.

A little bit of rummaging around and he finds a small closet with a vacuum, duster, and a bucket of cleaning supplies. As strange as it is Hanbin actually enjoys cleaning, there’s something cathartic about it. He likes the fresh smell of detergent, and the simple but methodical labor that leaves him with a feeling of productivity. Likes something to do with his hands, he’s always been a tactile person. So he doesn’t mind this so much, plus Jinhwan’s letting him stay in his house so he owes him anyways. As he cleans Hanbin takes in the life that Jinhwan’s built for himself in the time that he’s been gone. He sees it in the framed photos on desks and bookshelves with new faces, the t-shirt emblazoned with the call of duty logo Hanbin finds under the couch that he knows Jinhwan would never wear, the extra toothbrush and cologne in the bathroom cabinet. It makes him a little sad, that this is what he left behind, to think that this is what he might have had if he’d stayed. But as his mother always said if’s and might’ves never did anyone any good so he brushes the thought aside and scrubs a little harder at a stain on Jinhwan’s coffee table. Two hours later the apartment is sparkling, he’s changed the sheets on his little cot bed, and there’s a load of laundry going. He pulls out his phone and groans, still over an hour alone. 

Figuring he’s gotten in his daily dose of productivity in he collapses onto the couch and switches on the TV. Flipping through channels he discovers that a year away hasn’t made South Korean television any better so he finally settles on a random soap opera. He’s only half paying attention to it, idly flipping through his phone and his mind finally starts to wander. He’d been very careful not to think about Jiwon the whole day, distracting himself with cleaning but now as he sits and listens to some pretty actress drone on about her eternal love for a handsome but bland man there’s nothing to keep his mind off Jiwon. He thinks about what they had and what they lost and it hurts more then he wants to admit (even to himself) because loving Jiwon was like loving a star. At first Hanbin to blinded by Jiwon’s passion, his fire, to really think about what he was doing and before he knew what he was doing and before he knew what had happened he was pulled into Jiwon’s orbit like planetary dust and he didn’t know how to escape (didn’t want to). But the trouble with loving a star is that no matter how bright shines it is a cold light, a distant one. And it’s hard to love someone who doesn’t really know how to love you back. 

Shaking thoughts of the past from his head Hanbin feels his fingers start to itch, like they always do whenever he thinks too much, feels to strongly. Reaching for the remote he turns of the soap opera, cutting of the pretty girl mid proclamation of passion. Standing he walks over to his larger suitcase, pulling it out from under his bed and unzipping it. He rifles through messily folded clothes and books till he finds his bag of oil paints, and a middling sized scrap of canvas, and his brushes and palate. Hanbin had learned long ago the feeling of being struck with inspiration and having nowhere to paint it so he’d got into the habit of bringing canvas everywhere with him. It’s not very good quality and he doesn’t have any tools to stretch it onto a frame but it’s better then nothing. He pulls a few old newspapers out of Jinwhan’s recycling, spreading them across the kitchen table and sets his supplies on top. He pulls a glass out of Jinhwan’s cupboard and fill it with water, grabbing a paper towel for blotting as well. 

He takes a while to choose his brush, finally settling on a medium sized flat brush. It’s new and unused, part of a set his art school friends got for him as a going away present and fairly high quality. He spreads his hand out and runs the brush against his palm, letting the fine hairs tickle his skin, feels a shiver run up his arm and down his spine. Setting it down beside his canvas he empties his bag of tubes onto the table. Hanbin’s always loved the names of the paints he buys and he mouths them to himself, letting his lip shape the words and savoring their flavor as he squeezes the thick paint onto his palate: navy, slate blue, midnight, indigo, goldenrod, lemon chiffon, ivory and old lace. Picking up his brush again, he takes a deep breath, dips the tip into the paint, and begins. 

Hanbin lets the world fall away around him as his arm moves bends and shifts, paintbrush dancing like a ballerina across the surface of the canvas. He doesn’t quite know what he’s painting till he finishes, sometimes it’s like that when inspiration strikes. Most of the time it’s a long laborious slog through artists block, botched lines, too many colors mixing to nothing but muddy brown. Half of the time it ends in him painting the canvas over with white for a second use, but then there are times like this. Times when the picture in his head runs down his arm and through his paintbrush and onto paper like water and everything comes together just like it should. Times when inspiration hits like lightening and he can feel it in his skull, his spine. Times like these are why Hanbin loves to paint.

When he finishes he sits back, hands a little shaky and looks at the canvas in front him. It’s a night sky, inky black fading to deep blues and purples. The dark background punctuated by bright golden yellow stars. One large starburst takes up most of the upper right corner, painted with pale yellows and icy blues this one seems different then the others, colder maybe. It looks lonely to him, but beautiful and bright. He’s pulled from his thoughts by the sound of the front door creaking open. Glancing at the stove top clock he sees it’s 5:35, he smiles and calls out

“You’re five minutes late!”

Pushing back his chair and standing he walks out of the kitchen and sees Jinhwan standing in the hall, two take out bags in his left hand and keys in his right. Seeing Hanbin he snipes back

“Do you not know what ‘around 5:30’ means?”

Jinhwan looks around at his now sparkling apartment and raises an eyebrow

“You really did a number on this place. Looks like I won’t have to hire a maid after all.”

Hanbin shrugs and replies,

“I was really bored.”

Jinhwan laughs and drops his keys in a bowl on a little table by the door before holding up the plastic bags

“Well are you hungry? I brought chinese.”

Hanbin nods,

“Let me just go grab some chopsticks.” 

As he walks to the kitchen Jinhwan follows him, and he hears him stop at the kitchen table and let out a deep appreciative breath.

“Damn, sometimes I forget how good you are.”

Hanbin turns, chopsticks in hand, and rubs at the back of his head a little embarrassed. He’s been painting for years now and he still doesn’t know how to react to praise, whether it’s from his mom or from a professor. 

“Oh it’s nothing, like I said, I was bored.”

Jinhwan stares at the painting a little longer, a look Hanbin quite place in his eyes. 

“You know, I can’t quite say why but that star” he points to the large one in the corner “it looks sadder then the rest for some reason.” 

He shakes his head and laughs

“Maybe I’m crazy, stars can’t really be sad can they.”

Hanbin shrugs, and says quietly

“I don’t know, I think anything can be sad. Seen plenty of sad stars in my life.”

And Jinhwan gives him a look, forehead a little crinkled and eyes searching like he sees something in Hanbin’s face that goes beyond a throw away comment. It’s a little to piercing for Hanbin’s taste so he shrugs again uncomfortably and tries to change the subject.

Anyways, let me just clean this up so we can eat.”

Jinhwan shakes his head and waves him off

“Don’t worry about it, we can eat on the couch. It’s just take out anyway.”

So they sit on the couch, take out boxes in hand and feet up on the coffee table. Something about it brings Hanbin back to their college days, when he and Jinhwan were living in a shitty little apartment right off of campus. They barely had furniture back then, no coffee table or nice couches but they had been happy and content and excited for the future. Now everything’s different, things changed as they always do and Hanbin can’t help but miss the simplicity of those days. Not that what he had now was bad, he was so lucky with so many things in his life, but with all those good things came complications and he couldn’t help but long for the days when the biggest worry on his mind was whether or not he would finish an essay in time for the deadline. Jinhwan’s voice brings him back to reality

“Earth to Hanbin! Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”

Hanbin shakes his head, realizing he’d spaced out with a bite of jjangmyeon halfway to his mouth. Hurriedly he takes a bite and swallows

“Sorry, still a little jet lagged I think.”

Jinhwan just rolls his eyes.  
“I was saying, I was talking to the guys and we made plans to meet up at Woodstock tomorrow night. Sound good?”

Hanbin nods and smiles, 

“Yeah, sounds great! Will I finally get to meet your tall dark and handsome boyfriend?”

Jinhwan rolls his eyes and looks away but Hanbin sees the faint blush on his cheeks and smiles. “I’ll take that as a yes then.”

Jinhwan throws a pillow at him, he barely dodges it lifting his box of noodles into the air to save it and laughs and for a moment he feels young again.


	5. Chapter Five

He wakes up early enough the next morning to sit hunched in the kitchen and eat a bowl of cereal while Jinhwan showers and dresses for work. Jinhwan waves a goodbye as he rushes out the door and Hanbin calls out

“Have a good day at work honey!”

Jinhwan doesn’t look back, just grabs his keys and flips him off over his shoulder. Hanbin smirks into his spoonful of cheerio’s, Jinhwan might be a sweet heart but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have teeth. 

After he finishes his cereal and washes out his bowl he shuffles over to the couch and falls onto it, retreating into his oversized hoodie like a turtle. He ends up watching weird cartoons for way to long before he shakes himself awake and gets ready for the day. He showers, dresses, and looks around the apartment, it’s still neat and anyways there’s only so much cleaning a person can do. Anyways he feels cooped up in the house, Jinhwan’s apartment is nice but it’s fairly small and Hanbin has barely left the house for almost 2 days. Throwing a sketchbook, a case of charcoal pencils, and his laptop into his backpack he grabs his jacket and Jinhwan’s spare key and heads out. He wanders for a little, headphones in and just taking in Seoul. He’d missed it while he was in the US, the hustle and bustle, the little markets and huge glass and steel shopping malls, the feeling that the city was almost alive. Sometimes Hanbin thought about Seoul like a giant body, the buildings and skyscrapers are the bones, the roads and bridges are Seoul’s veins, the traffic and people flowing through them like millions of blood cells. He wonders if the buildings are the bones, what makes the heart. 

After a little more walking he finds a nice little café and decides to take a break. It’s not to far from Jinhwan’s apartment, maybe a fifteen minute walk or so. The front of the store is all window, on one side looking out on a little park and on the other side there’s a view of a quiet street. Hanbin walks in, a little bell tinkling the news of his arrival, and goes up to the counter. He orders a vanilla chai latte, all of his friends always make fun of him for liking it, saying it’s not really coffee but Hanbin doesn’t care. He finds a table in the back corner that gives him a view of both the park and the street view and settles in. He’s alone in the café except an old man reading a book, a woman who looks to be around his age, and the barista. It’s cozy, lit by warm yellow lamps all around and quiet music plays in the background. When Hanbin inhales it smells of coffee and very faintly of lavender. 

He pulls out his laptop and takes care of some business, checking his bank account (he winces at the balance) and emailing one his old professors about any work opportunities at the university. As he sits at his laptop people filter in and out of the coffee shop, but most of the orders are to go leaving the place mostly empty. At first the little jingle of the bell distracts him but after a few times it starts to fade into the rest of the background noises in the shop. Work done he closes his laptop, stretching his back out with his arms over his head, and pulls out his sketchbook and pencils and looks around the coffee shop. The old man got up and left at some point leaving just him and the girl. 

She’s sitting at a table right in front of the window, facing into the café. She has a laptop in front of her and a notebook open beside it, headphones in her ears. She holds a pen in her hand, the tip clasped between shining white teeth. Hanbin examines her with an artists gaze. She’s pretty, beautiful even, with long dark hair and a round pale face. Her lips are full and sculpted with a small rounded nose and stubborn chin, but the most striking thing about her is her eyes. Almond shaped and framed by thick lashes they are dark and clear. She glances over at him and he hurriedly looks down, busying himself with rearranging his pencils. When he sneaks a peak in her direction again she’s still looking a slight smile curving her lips, her gaze so intense Hanbin can feel his neck start to redden. He ducks his head again and shifts uncomfortably, he imagines he can still feel her eyes burning into the top of his head.

He sketches a little after that, the mother and child playing in the park, the store across the street with their bright signs and inviting front windows but none of it quite grabs him. Every now and then he’ll glance over to the girl and sometimes he catches her still looking at him, she’s never the one to turn her eyes away. Eventually though she starts to pack her things and gets up to leave. Hanbin knows that if he were to go over now and ask for her number he’d probably get it. Knows that she’s beautiful and knows he should but something (someone) stops him. And even as he watches her walk out of the little café he can feel Jiwon’s fingers twisting under his skin and knows he hasn’t moved on. 

A little after she leaves Hanbin glances at his phone and realizes he’s been here for almost three hours and should probably head back. Throwing his sketchbook and pencils back into his bag he steads and leaves, nodding to the barista on the way out. He decides as he’s walking out that it would be a nice surprise to have dinner waiting for Jinhwan when he gets home so he stops by the little grocery store he saw on his walk in the morning. He wanders through the store and throws chicken, potatoes, and onions into his cart. He may not be a master chef but he figures he can make pretty good chicken stew. On his way out he stops in the wine section and grabs a bottle of red that’s on sale. 

When he gets back to Jinhwan’s apartment building the elevator is out of order and he has to climb the six flights of stairs to Jinhwan’s floor. As he wheezes his way up he makes a mental note to start going to the gym. Once at the top he juggles his plastic bag of groceries and backpack, fishing the key out of his back pocket and unlocks the door. Once he unpacks the groceries he realizes how hungry is when his stomach rumbles loudly, it is almost two hours past noon. He rummages through the fridge and finds nothing appealing, so he looks through Jinhwan’s cupboards till he finds a packet of ramen. A few minutes later he’s sitting at the table with a hot bowl of ramen and pulls up a movie on his laptop to watch as he eats. After he kills an hour he figures it’s time to start dinner. Setting his speakers to loud and playing some upbeat indie rock he rolls up his sleeve and gets to work. He washes the vegetables first, then cuts up the potatoes and throws them into a pot to boil. While they cook he starts to pull apart the chicken and brown it lightly. With the help of Jinhwan’s well-stocked cupboard of spices the stew comes together nicely, filling the house with the smell of ginger and gochujang.

He’s just putting out bowls on the table when Jinhwan get’s home. He hears him rattling keys and shedding his jacket in the hallway and goes to grab the wine and two glasses. Jinhwan walks in and surveys the kitchen with a slightly raised eyebrow,

“You make a pretty good housewife after all Hanbin. Maybe you should forget about art and plan on marrying rich.”

Hanbin snorts as he uncorks the wine and pulls the pot of dakdoritang off of the stove and puts it on the table

“My future husband will have to get used to the same three dinners on repeat.”

The stew is good, rich and warm and flavorful and the wine complements it well. By the end the their bowls are scraped clean and pushed to the side and the bottle of wine is mostly empty. Jinhwan is curled up in the chair across from Hanbin, legs tucked under him and his fingers playing idly with a loose thread in his napkin. 

“So, have you thought about going to talk to Jiwon?”

Immediately Hanbin can feel himself tense, because the truth is he has. He has been thinking about Jiwon and even though he’s furious he wants so badly to see him again, to touch him, to run his hands through Jiwon’s dark hair and let his fingers trace the lines of his face. But he doesn’t say that, just shrugs and stands. Grabbing dishes he walks over to the sink and places them inside. Jinwhan’s voice comes from behind

“Please Hanbin. I think it would be good for both of you.”

Hanbin’s fingers tighten on the edge of the sink and he takes a deep breath, he can’t keep listening to Jinhwan because if he listens enough he might convince him and he’s determined not to break on this one.

“Look, can we not do this right now? I… It’s supposed to be a fun night okay, let’s not ruin it.”

And Hanbin doesn’t look at Jinwhan but he can imagine the look he sees there, a little disappointed, a little sad. He can hear it in Jinwhan’s voice when he speaks. 

“Are you ever going to want to talk about this?”

Hanbin doesn’t answer and he doesn’t think Jinhwan expected him to. After a moment he hears Jinhwan stand up and walk over to help him with the dishes and even though he’s glad Jinhwan dropped the subject he’s left with a bad taste in his mouth and a lump in his throat.


	6. Chapter Six

 

They take the subway to meet the rest of the guys, there’s no point in taking Jinhwan’s car because they’ll almost definitely be too drunk to drive it back. It’s a little chilly, and Hanbin pulls his jacket tighter as they make their way down the block. Jinhwan walks quietly beside him and Hanbin sneaks a glance at him. Things have felt strange since dinner, a little tense and uncomfortable. He doesn’t think that Jinhwan’s mad at him, but he just seems disappointed almost and Hanbin can’t help but feel guilty. He hopes seeing their friends and a couple of drinks will smooth out any wrinkles in the night.

 

The sun is just sinking behind the tops of the buildings and the street is dyed bright orange red, store-fronts and skyscrapers glittering gold in the dying light. It’s beautiful, in the way that endings generally are. He remembers long walks and cold hands and fingers interlacing and light dancing along the line of an arched throat. A little knot forms deep in his stomach, hard and cold and sharp, it feels like heart break (it feels like Jiwon) and suddenly he wants to be drunk, wants to forget. He quickens his step and Jinhwan gives him a questioning look but doesn’t say anything.

 

The subway is crowded, full of people heading out at the end of the work week and they both end up standing. Hanbin let’s himself move with the twists of the train, the tightly crammed bodies around him holding up. He and Jinhwan chat, over the sound of quiet conversation and the rumble of the train. About how different American subways are to Korean ones, Hanbin had seen just about everything in the New York subways, the good the bad and the ugly. He’d seen homeless men and women with empty eyes and empty signs and hollow sunken cheeks that had made him shiver and turn his eyes away with guilt. He’d seen just about any bodily fluid you could name spread out on the train platforms, but he’d also seen beautiful things too. A girl who couldn’t have been more then 17 or 18 playing guitar and singing clear and sweet and true. The colorful mosaics in one of the subway stations in the Bronx, a man with dark hair and dark eyes rapping with an upturned hat in front of him (and he’d turned his eyes from this too, with a different kind of guilt).

 

When they get off the train and walk up the stairs to the street the sun has disappeared and the street lamps have flickered on, the artificial light blending with dusky shadows. Luckily the bar is only a few blocks from the subway station and they make it in a few minutes. The bar isn’t usually crowded, it’s not in the one of the trendier parts of the town and it’s definitely not a tourist trap but it’s nice. All dark wood and dim lights, with pop music playing in the background just loud enough to be danceable but not loud enough to be deafening. It’s always been their groups go-to ever since they discovered it one drunken night of exploration. True to form it’s not packed on this particular Friday night, a few couples tucked into dark corners and small groups scattered around at tables. After scanning for a second Hanbin sees Junhoe and Donghyuk sitting at the bar and they wave at he and Jinhwan.

 

Donghyuk stands and gives him a warm hug when he walks over. Junhoe claps him on the shoulder and lets his fingers linger for a few seconds when he takes a seat on the bar stool next to him which is the Junhoe equivalent of a hug.

 

“So, does Korea still compare to the wonders of the US of A or are you going to leave us again for the bright lights of New York?”

 

Junhoe asks with his usual level of sarcasm. Hanbin laughs

 

“You know, I think I’m home to stay this time.”

 

The next few minutes are spent catching up, and exchanging stories about the time they’ve missed. Hanbin is just finishing up a story about how seriously students in America take april fool's day when a pretty girl with a kind face and long silky black hair walks towards them from the direction of the restrooms. Junhoe stands immediately and puts an arm around her waist

 

“Hanbin, this is my girlfriend Soohyun . Soohyun this is Hanbin.”

 

She reaches out her hand, smiling brightly.

 

“It’s good to finally meet you! I’ve heard a lot about you from Junhoe.”

 

Hanbin stands and shakes it

“All good I hope?”

 

She laughs, and says with a wink

 

“Oh you know, most of it. But don’t worry I didn’t believe any of the bad”

 

After introductions they all sit again but Hanbin notices that Junhoe’s hand doesn’t leave Soohyun’s waist and when he thinks no one’s paying attention he stares at her with a look that sharpens some of the hard lines in his face.

 

“So, when is the rest of the crew getting here?”

 

Donghyk glances at phone before replying

 

“Last I checked Chanwoo was on his way here, so should be any minute.”

 

No sooner do the words leave his lips then the door to the bar creaks opens and in walks Chanwoo talking to a man Hanbin recognizes from the photo in Jinhwan’s apartment. Jinhwan calls out and they look over and wave as they walk towards the group. Yunhyeong makes a beeline for Jinhwan, kissing him gently before pulling away and murmuring something in a quiet voice. There’s something so intimate, so private about the moment that Hanbin can’t help but feel uncomfortable watching, like he’s seeing something he’s not meant to so he busies himself with greeting Chanwoo. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns back to Jinhwan

 

“Hanbin I want you to meet Yunhyeong.”

 

Hanbin smiles and shakes his hand. Yunhyeong is even more handsome in person, with full sculpted lips and even almond shaped eyes. He smiles back at Hanbin and it is bright and broad and friendly.

 

“I’m glad I get to meet the guy I’ve heard so much about from Jinhwan.”

 

Hanbin laughs a little

 

“I could say the same about you.”

 

Junhoe interrupts loudly

 

“So now that everybody’s here can we start drinking please?

 

There’s a murmur of assent from the group and Junhoe continues

 

“I propose since this celebration is in honor of Hanbin’s return that he buy the first round!”

 

There’s a louder cheer this time and Chanwoo pounds him on the back excitedly.

 

“Okay, okay, first rounds on me. You guys are gonna bankrupt me y’know.”

 

He’s joking, but he can’t help but wince a little as he thinks of his steadily draining bank account. Junhoe taps on the bar to get ahold of the bartender and holds up seven fingers. On tonight is Mino, who they knows them from their regular visits to the bar. He’s a nice kid, still working his way through college, and also a notorious flirt. When he learns Hanbin just came back from the states he gives them the first round free, and winks

 

He throws back his shot and watches as his friends laugh and joke. Despite his absence they’re still pretty much the same. There’s a few new faces, different hair cuts but at their core they’re still the same group of people he left behind a year ago and it’s nice to have some familiarity to cling to. It’s nice to be able to fall back into the spaces he used to fill so easily again. It was only a year, Hanbin knows that but a year can feel like a long time, a year can be a long time for people to move on. Part of him had been afraid that when he came back he would find himself looking in from the outside, watching his friends but feeling apart like a round peg in a square hole. He doesn’t though, they still smile and laugh and throw and arm around his shoulder like nothing’s changed and he’s so grateful for it.

The night goes on and the empty glasses stack in front of them and the world around Hanbin begins to spin and bob and blur to a haze of sound and color. It’s fun, a good night and it’s nice to see his friends again but as familiar as it all seems there’s something missing. Nobody mentions it, everybody pretends not to notice but Hanbin feels it like an ache in his side. There’s a Jiwon shaped hole and it hurts. Sometimes Hanbin will turn, to tell a joke or something and find nothing but an empty stool where Jiwon should be. In the US at least there was no one familiar, so he could pretend Jiwon’s absence was normal, but here it sinks in that Jiwon isn’t his anymore. That he’s not going to be there when he wakes up, not going to be next to him on the bar stool or in the kitchen, around the corner. Jiwon is gone, at least from his life and that stings more then Hanbin cares to admit.

 

At some point Junhoe and Soohyun both disappeared. Hanbin finds them when he gets up to go use the restroom. They’re tucked into a dark corner in the hallway to the bathrooms, hands wrapped in each others hair and eyes closed as they kiss. He remembers the first time he kissed Jiwon.

 

It was their junior year of college and Junhoe was having a house party. He didn’t really know Jiwon that well, but they had a few mutual friends and Hanbin would see him around campus a lot. He would always flash a smile as he passed that made butterflies tremble in Hanbin’s stomach. They were both drunk and shoved together by the waves of people rushing through the cramped house they’d started talking, about music and art and travel and the places they loved most, the places they’d been loved the most. They ended up on a balcony sharing a cigarette between the two of them (Hanbin didn’t even smoke) and they talked in the chilly night air, breathing smoke and mist into the air as water soaked through their socks.

 

Later, they stood in the darkened kitchen alone and afraid and excited all at once. Hanbin can never remember who leaned in first, no matter how many times he replays the moment in his head its all just a blur but in the end it doesn’t really matter who did because they’re kissing hard and rough and so gentle it hurts. Jiwon bites at his lip hard enough to draw blood and their teeth scrape and scratch against each other. He doesn’t know how long they stood in that kitchen, kissing among empty bottles and half full cups but he knows that when he pulled away both their breathes were gone. Then he’d grabbed Jiwon by the hand and they’d run through the house pulling open doors but every room was already full of people kissing or sleeping or throwing up. Hanbin remembers he had felt like a giddy teenager, laughing and dancing across hardwood floors. Eventually they’d found themselves in a closet, the only unoccupied room with a door and they’d giggled against each others mouths as they rattled hangers and knocked down clothes .

 

Shaking himself he keeps walking and tries leaves them with their wandering hands and tangled hair, tries not to think about what he used to have. It’s a losing battle.

 

When he walks back out the shadowed little corner is empty and he has to wonder if even saw them at all or if his mind just pulled ghosts out of the past. Walking out back into the main room he sees them standing with the rest of the group by the bar, sees the hair that’s been carefully put back into place and the little smudge of red lipstick on Junhoe’s mouth and grins to himself.

 

Junhoe and Soohyun are the first to leave. They excuse themselves with hugs and promises to meet again soon. Junhoe says that Soohyun is tired and needs to go to bed and as Hanbin watches them leave he knows they might be going to bed but they won’t be going to sleep.

 

It’s pushing one o’clock and everybody is slowing, the night winding down. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong are in their own little world, foreheads almost touching and eyes soft and hooded. They whisper things quietly to each other as their hands lay interlaced in front of them. Chanwoo is the next to go, and Donghyuk leaves with him to make sure he gets home in one piece. He taps Jinwhan’s shoulder a little awkwardly and Jinhwan looks up surprised, like he’d forgotten where he was. Hanbin gestures to his watch,

 

“We should probably head back. It’s getting pretty late.”

 

Jinhwan nods distractedly but makes no move to get up. For a moment Hanbin just stands, not knowing what to do. Eventually Yunhyeong leans down and whispers something into Jinhwan’s ear, he smiles at whatever it is and pulls him down into a kiss. Then he stands and turns to Hanbin

 

“Okay, let’s get going.”

 

They end up taking a taxi back, neither of them feel like dealing with the subway right now. It’s a silent ride, both of their minds are obviously elsewhere. Hanbin stares out the window and watches the street blur by. He thinks about Jiwon, thinks about what they used to have. And he loved Jiwon, he thinks, because he was never really sure if Jiwon loved him back. Not like it’s obvious Jinhwan and Yunhyeong love each other, the affection flowing off them in warm gentle waves. Jiwon’s love was always a little harder to find, buried beneath the surface of his diamond hard skin like precious metal. You had to work for it, find it in the little things that most people take for granted. And maybe that made it all the more precious in the end. And that much harder to lose.

 

“Did you have a good night Hanbin?”

 

Startled from his reverie he turns to Jinhwan

 

“Yeah, yeah I did. It was good to see everybody again…”

 

Jinhwan seems to sense the hesitation in his reply, sense the sadness behind it.

 

“It was great but?”

 

Hanbin sighs and looks out the window again, biting at his lip.

 

“It’s just… I didn’t expect to miss him so much.”

 

Lights flash by and Hanbin thinks of dark hair and pale skin and hungry, searching eyes.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N. I know everybodies really excited for Jiwon so I'm happy to let you know that he'll finally be making an appearence in the next chapter. Thanks for waiting everybody and enjoy!

The next morning both he and Jinhwan struggle out of bed well after the sun has risen. He finally wakes to the smell of black coffee and stumbles his way into the kitchen. Jinhwan’s sitting at the table with a mug and an open bottle of advil on the table in front of him. Hanbin grabs a mug from the cupboard and pours himself a cup as well, forgoing the sugar for once. He sits down opposite Jinhwan pulls his hood down low before taking a gulp of his drink. Jinhwan finally speaks,

 

“I feel like such an old man right now. I’m only 26, why do I feel like I’m dying”

 

Hanbin smirks into his mug,

 

“Maybe it’s because you’re getting old you grandpa.”

 

Jinhwan gives him a glare and lightly chucks the bottle across the table, it hits Hanbin on the shoulder and bounces down landing in his lap. Mockingly he grabs his shoulder and collapses forward groaning dramatically. Jinhwan just shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

 

“I swear it’s like living with a four year old…”

 

A hot shower and some oatmeal later and Hanbin is feeling more like a real person. Toweling his hair off he walks into the living room and falls onto the couch next to Jinhwan, who’s typing something on his computer. He looks up when the couch squeaks.

 

“Hey, so Yunhyeong and I were planning on having dinner tonight. I don’t know if you’d want to come but you’re welcome too.”

 

And Jinhwan invited him, because Jinhwan would never even think not to, that’s just the kind of person he is but Hanbin can hear the strain in his voice and knows that he doesn’t really want him to say yes. Not that he’d want to intrude on their night anyways.

 

“Thanks for the invite but I’m good, you go and have fun.”

 

Jinhwan looks at him, mouth a little tight and lines creasing his forehead

 

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright here all alone?”

 

Hanbin sighs, a little exasperated and throws his towel across the coffee table to his cot bed.

 

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I am actually an adult Jinwhan believe it or not. I can survive one night on my own.”

 

Jinhwan gives him a look

 

“I know that Hanbin, I just worry. You know I do.”

 

And Hanbin does know, Jinhwan worries about everybody. Sometimes he thinks Jinhwans taken it upon himself to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, even though nobody ever asked him too. That’s part of why he loves his friend.

 

“I know you do. But seriously I’m good. Take your night out with Yunhyeong, you deserve it.”

 

Later after Jinhwan leaves boredom does set in so he texts Junhoe and invites him over for video games and pizza. If there’s one thing he misses most about the states it’s the pizza, thick and doughy and greasy it’s nothing like the pizza here in Korea. He tells Junhoe as much as he throws a half eaten piece back into the box with a look of distaste. Junhoe snorts,

 

“The US has spoiled you after all, I always knew it would. Come back from New York and suddenly you’re too good for us and our pizza!”

 

Hanbin laughs and gives him a shove. For a while they play, silence punctuated only by the occasional curse or shout of triumph. After a couple games though Junhoe speaks, and his words are like a bucket of cold water.

 

“I think you should go see Jiwon.”

 

It take Hanbin surprise, Junhoe has never done well with relationships or relationship advice and of all his friends Junhoe was the last person he expected to hear this from. He sets down his controller and turns to Junhoe

 

“Did Jinhwan put you up too this? He should now by now not to-“

 

Junhoe cuts him of with the shake of his head, setting his down his own controller on the coffee table.

 

“No, he didn’t put me up to anything. I just agree with him about this one.”

 

Hanbin sighs and runs a hand through his hair, tired of having this conversation over and over again.

 

“I’ll tell you what I tell him then. I’m not going to. I appreciate the concern but this is between me and Jiwon okay.”

 

And now Junhoe’s eyebrows pull together and his voice when he replies is tight and a little angry.

 

“Bullshit. You’re blind if you think this is just about you Hanbin. I’m Jiwon’s friend too okay, and I was around to watch him spiral into the hole he’s in now. This is about all of us, don’t forget that. We all care about you, but we care about him too.”

 

And for a moment Junhoe’s comment shuts him down. It’s true, in a way he’d been so wrapped up in his own drama and pain and hurt that he’d forgotten that he wasn’t the only one who cared about Jiwon. Forgotten he wasn’t alone.

 

“Okay you’re right. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say you aren’t his friend. But that aside, what can I do? What would me going to see him do? I’d probably just make things worse…”

 

“Come on Hanbin. Like it or not you two were a big part of each others live, and you can’t pretend that’s not true. We’ve all tried to help him but he won’t let us, maybe that’s because he’s waiting for you. I think you owe it to him to try”

 

Hanbin shakes his head, fingers playing with the hem of his t shirt.

 

“I don’t know Junhoe. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him ‘hey sorry I left you a year ago without even saying goodbye, but I’m back so stop doing drugs’ I don’t think that’d go over very well. Anyways, he probably hates me now.”

 

Junhoe looks at him and his eyes are sad and soft, and Junhoe never gets that look in his eyes. Hanbin fidgets and looks away, suddenly uncomfortable. When Junhoe finally replies his voice is soft.

 

“You don’t really believe that do you?”

 

And Hanbin doesn’t answer, because when he really thinks about it he’s not sure of his answer.

 

When it starts to push eleven o’clock Junhoe heads out, saying Sooyoung doesn’t like it when he gets home late. Hanbin jokingly comments that she has him thoroughly whipped, and Junhoe just smiles and shrugs and tells him

 

“There are worse things to have to come home early for.”

 

Hanbin nods in agreement, thinking about waiting for Jiwon to come home, never quite sure if he would. He sees Junhoe off with a hug and a promise to do this again soon and then the door swings shut and he is alone. For a while he finds things to keep him busy, cleans up the remnants of the pizza and browses the internet for a bit. He ends up watching TV and waiting for Jinhwan to come home, when he glances at the clock and sees that it’s twenty past one he realizes he’s not coming back tonight. And as he gets ready for bed, washes his face and brushes his teeth he thinks about how similar this feels to all these nights he stayed waiting for Jiwon. Waiting and wondering and watching the minutes tick by on the clock. It’s a feeling he doesn’t like to remember.

 

The next morning Hanbin wakes to the smell of coffee and bacon. Getting up he wanders into the kitchen, yawing sleepily. Jinhwan’s standing at the stove, spatula in his hand and bacon sizzling in the pan in front of him. Without turning he greets Hanbin

 

“Morning sleepy head. There’s fresh coffee for you, and breakfast is just about done.”

 

Hanbin walks over to the cabinet, pulling out a mug and helps himself to the coffee. Taking a sip, he hops up onto the counter beside Jinhwan who shoots him an exasperated look.

 

“So how was dinner?”

 

Jinhwan focuses on his bacon but he cant help the smile that slips onto his face, soft and small and tender.

 

“It was good.”

 

Hanbin smirks and raises an eyebrow, smiling at Jinhwan over the rim of his coffee cup.

 

“Oh, just good? I noticed you didn’t come home last night.”

 

Jinhwan doesn’t look at him, but the smile grows and spreads.

 

“If you want breakfast I suggest you get your butt off my counter and into a chair.”

 

Hanbin laughs and slides down, grabbing a plate and ambling over to the kitchen table. Jinhwan walks over with the bacon and a big plate of scrambled eggs, setting both on the table before sitting himself. Hanbin helps himself to the food, and digs in. Jinhwan just watches him, sipping on his coffee.

 

“So I was talking to Yunhyeong last night, he said he could probably get you a job at the place he works at.”

 

Hanbin stops mid bite and looks up

 

“Seriously? I would really appreciate that. Gotta start getting some money in the bank before or I run out of paint or something.”

 

Jinhwan smiles and nods.

 

“Yeah, I’ll give you his number. You can text him about it if you’re interested.”

Hanbin nods his head.

 

“You know, I’m really starting to like your boyfriend.”

 

It’s a lazy afternoon, Jinhwan has a day off and they’re both lying curled up in his living room with cups of tea. Jinhwan’s reading a book, head tilted in concentration, and the sun filtering through the living room curtains gilds his hair a thousand shades of gold. It’s been a while since Hanbin has done a portrait so he asks Jinhwan if it’s alright if Hanbin sketches him while he reads. Jinhwan distractedly nods his consent and turns the page and Hanbin pulls out his sketchbook and pencils. He’s a little rusty, pencil isn’t his favorite medium and it’s been a while but after a few false starts he settles into an easy rhythm, gets lost in the sound of pencil scratching on paper. When he finishes he looks at his sketch and his stomach twists. It’s good, very good, that’s not the problem. The problem is that it’s Jiwon’s face he’s staring at, not Jinhwan’s.

 

Jinhwan looks up from his book, “Oh, are you finished? Can I see?” Hanbin shrugs awkwardly, “I don’t think it’s worth looking at, it’s not great” The lie sounds flat, even to him. Jinhwan huffs

 

“Come on, if you’re going to draw me you have to let me see the finished product!” Standing smoothly he deftly grabs the sketchbook out of Hanbin’s hands before he can protest. Hanbin watches as Jinhwan’s eyebrows raise, and then fall. When he looks at Hanbin there’s pity in his eyes. “You know Hanbin, maybe you should try and talk to him again.”

 

Hanbin stands, a little angry and snatches the notebook back.

 

“Screw him. I’m not going to try again with him, okay. It’s over.”

 

“Even so, you obviously need some kind of closure. Or you’re never going to be able to let him go.” Jinhwan says, gesturing to the sketch.

 

Hanbin just shakes his head

 

“This doesn’t mean anything, I just let my mind wander.” And then turns to walk away, clutching the sketchbook in his hands.

 

“You let your mind wander and he’s the first thing you find. Maybe that means something.”

 

Hanbin pretends not to hear because Jinhwan’s words ring with truth and it’s not a truth he wants to listen to.

 

After that he tries again and again, he draws himself, Jinhwan, pulls up pictures of strangers and old friends alike but in every drawing he finds Jiwon. The shape of his lips, the line of his nose, the sharp curves of his cheek, he can’t escape Jiwon. Eventually he throws the sketchbook across the room and tries to sleep, but even then he sees Jiwon’s eyes, dark and brooding hanging in his dreams.

 

It’s funny how everything always comes back to Jiwon.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence! Things got kind of crazy, and school just started up again which kept me busy. I'm settled in now though and have a little more time. I can't promise super regular updates but no more super long breaks!

It takes another three days and a sketchbook full of Jiwon before Hanbin finally breaks. When he tells Jinhwan he just shakes his head and tells Hanbin

 

“You two’s stubbornness will never cease to amaze me, I hope you know that.” But he smiles and tells Hanbin he can take his car if he needs to.

 

It takes him another day to build up the courage to actually go. There’s a thousand times where he heads for the doorway, grabbing his keys and jacket with determination in his eyes. And a thousand times when he turns back, shoulders slumped in defeat. There’s always a good reason he can’t: he just put in a load of laundry, he promised Jinhwan he’d make dinner tonight, Jiwon probably won’t be home at this time. Once he makes it all the way to the street outside of the apartment before he realizes he forgot the car keys and has to turn back. And he doesn’t want to admit that he’s afraid, terrified, of what he’s going to find. Afraid that when he sees Jiwon he’ll realize he stills loves him (afraid to see him and realize he doesn’t) and the fear is heavy in his stomach.

 

When he finally does go Jinhwan is at work with the car and he has to take the subway. Jiwon’s still living in the same apartment, and the route to his house is one Hanbin has taken many times before. He doesn’t mind taking the subway so much, in a way it’s more freeing then driving. He doesn’t have to pay attention to anything, instead he stares out the window and watches the dark tunnel blur and the lights rush by into infinity. He tries not to think about what he’s going to find at Jiwon’s apartment, tries not to think at all and instead focus on the music in his headphones. Hard as he tries thought he can’t distract himself so he chews his lip and taps his fingers and tries not to feel so sick

 

The walk from the subway station to the apartment complex takes ages and no time at all. As he walks Hanbin tells himself it’s not to late to turn back, tells himself he can wait another day, tells himself a lie for every step he takes. And that’s what they are, lies. Because he knows he has to do this, do this now or he might never. Knows Jinhwan is right. Finally the walk ends though, as all walks do and Hanbin is faced with the familiar apartment complex he once called home. Jiwon’s apartment is on the third floor, the seventh door down the hallway. There’s a locked door at the front of the building but Hanbin still remembers the code and lets himself in. He’s glad, because he’s honestly not sure Jiwon would let him in if he heard his voice. Hanbin doesn’t take the elevator, walking past them towards the stairs. It’s a childish attempt to delay the inevitable, pushing each second as far as possible. It’s silly because there’s no turning back now and in all honesty this is something Hanbin knows he needs to do to be able to move on but he is still afraid. Of what he’s not sure.

 

Before he knows it he’s standing outside the door to what he called home only a year ago. It feels like a century ago. For a while he just stands there, staring. He can feel his heart pounding a steady rhythm in his chest He knocks once, twice, and just as he’s raising his hand to try a third time he hears a muffled voice call from inside

 

“I’m coming, just a second”

 

The voice is so familiar it aches and just hearing it makes Hanbin want to run and hide. But he doesn’t, instead he stands outside the door holding his breath and hands clenched tight in his pockets. There’s sounds of movement from inside, clatters and the rustle of paper being pushed aside and then the door opens and standing there is Jiwon. Jiwon, still beautiful and dark and distant and everything Hanbin wanted. Jiwon staring, pale and cold in nothing but a loose white t-shirt and boxers. For a while they just stand there and look at each other. Hanbin doesn’t know what to say so he says nothing, just takes the time to look at Jiwon. He drinks him in like a man in a desert whose dying of thirst. Like maybe his eyes can swallow him up and keep him safe and close and whole. He looks like he just woke up, eyes still a little bleary and glazed and shirt rumpled. His hair is a mess, sticking out and up, a few locks curving out from behind his ears and across his forehead (and the urge to reach out and brush them back is so great Hanbin’s glad his hands are still in his pockets) He notices he’s lost weight. Jiwon’s always been thin, but now he seems to be more made of angles and planes and crooked lines then flesh and blood, like if he turn sideways he might just disappear.

 

If Hanbin didn’t know Jiwon as well as he did he’d think there was no emotion on his face, just ice. But he does know him well and so he sees it, in the set of his eyes, the ways his brows pull together just the tiniest bit, sees it in his mouth tight and straight and flat like a string stretched a little to far. They’re both silent, and in the silence is electricity, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Eventually Hanbin gives in,

 

“Can I come in?”

 

For a moment Hanbin thinks Jiwon is going to slam the door in his face, but then he steps aside and with the tiniest dip of his chin invites Hanbin in. He steps past him and he’s close enough to feel Jiwon brush against him and it sends shivers down his spine. Once inside he glances around the apartment. It’s a mess to say the least, take out boxes litter every flat surface, old clothes lie discarded on the floor and there’s a stack of dishes in the sink Hanbin can see from here. He almost makes a crack about how Jiwon’s really let the place go but restrains himself at the last minute. It’s more a hysterical impulse really, trying to cope with seeing someone he loved (loves?) so clearly falling apart. And it’s something he would have done before, before he left, before things started to fall apart. A gentle affectionate joke, but now he doesn’t know where stands with Jiwon anymore (he’s not sure if he ever did) so he’s quiet. Eventually Jiwon speaks and his voice his flat and dull and cold

 

“So, you’re back.”

 

Hanbin nods uncertainly, not sure how to navigate his way around Jiwon.

 

“Yeah, been here for a couple weeks now.”

 

Jiwon just nods, silent and almost recalcitrant. Hanbin can hear the unspoken _you’re only visiting now_ and it stings a little. They stand there quietly for a little longer, and for some one as talkative as Jiwon normally is the silence is unnerving and unusual, it is not the same Jiwon from a year ago that faces Hanbin here in this dirty living room and the two blur together like overlaying pictures frames. It’s like a spot the difference game in a child’s coloring book, but now the differences are harsh and glaring and heartbreaking.

 

“Why did you come.”

 

The question is asked casually. Jiwon’s voice flat and unassuming on the surface,  but beneath the veneer of calm it is fraught with emotion like the deep currents that push and pull under the glassy surface of a mountain river. Hanbin chooses his words carefully, not really sure of the answer himself.

 

“I just wanted… I needed to see how you were.”

 

Jiwon shrugs and spreads out his arms wide, his face closes off and Hanbin senses this isn’t the answer he wanted but he doesn’t know how to give him one he does.

 

“Now you’ve seen. You can go back to the rest of your day.”

 

Hanbin doesn’t move however, just stands there.

 

Jiwon’s eyebrows furrow and his mouth tightens

 

“I said you can go. You’ve done the right thing, congratulations, now good bye.”

 

Hanbin pulls back a little, the harsh words like a slap.

 

“Jesus Jiwon, you’re not an item on my to-do list. I came because I wanted to know if you were okay after I- after I went away.”

 

Jiwon just snorts, and smiles a little and it’s a bitter humorless grin that stretches his mouth in a cruel twist. And Hanbin can already feel them falling back into their old patterns, can already feel Jiwon’s defenses rising as he pulls away.

 

“After you left me Hanbin. Just say it, you left.

 

And now Hanbin can feel his own walls rise, feels the anger start to bubble in the back of his throat because Jiwon’s tone is so accusatory, so one sided. But he pushes down the anger and pain and tries to remember why he’s here and when the white heat cools all that’s left is a feeling of exhaustion. So he repeats again quietly, like he’s trying to convince himself

 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

“You just fucking left Hanbin. I came home you were gone, and all you left me was that note. How was I supposed to be okay with that?”

 

“Jiwon, I’m sorry I hurt you. But I had to leave, I couldn’t miss this opportunity, not even for you. And I’m not going to apologize for my choice because it was what was best for me. You can’t blame me for that Jiwon.”

 

Jiwon scoffs, running his hands through his hair angrily. He’s pacing back and forth, shoulders tense and hunched.

 

“Stop making this about me Hanbin! This is about _you_ , about your decisions okay!”

Hanbin stares in shock, because after all this, after so long how can he not understand.

 

“Don’t you get it? It’s _always_ been about you Jiwon! I supported you for three years. I worked extra hours, I let you turn my room into a recording studio, I was always there for you Jiwon. And I don’t regret it, because it made you happy, and because that’s what you do for people you love. I don’t regret it, but the one time I ask for you to support me you can’t? The one time I asked for something you said no. Do you understand why I had to go, with or without you?”

 

And it’s all so painfully familiar, like their life is a play and the lines have already been written. This moment has already played out a thousand times before, the stony look on Jiwon’s face, the slight tremor in his voice have been perfected and Hanbin slips easily into his role. It’s all so familiar, and yet different, Jiwon’s a little thinner, a little hungrier, the apartment seems a more empty and cold then it used to, and the ache in Hanbin’s chest is a different kind of pain then it was before. He looks at Jiwon’s face and all the fight drains out of him, he’s done this a thousand times before and he knows how it ends.

 

“Maybe coming here was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

 

And then he turns to leave. Jiwon’s voice echoes behind him, sharp and bitter.

 

“That’s right, run. Just like you always do.”

 

For a moment he pauses, and part of him wants to turn, wants to fight back, wants to explain that he wasn’t just running away he was running towards something but he knows Jiwon won’t listen. His mind is made up and nothing that Hanbin says is going to change it. So he just whispers, more to himself then to Jiwon

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

And then he walks out the door.

 

He goes straight back to Jinhwan’s and tries to ignore the weight that feels a lot like guilt sitting in stomach. As soon as he gets inside he goes to the kitchen and gets a glass.  As he pulls it down he realizes his hand is shaking a little and sets it down quickly, grabbing cool plastic surface of the counter so tight his knuckles turn white he holds on until they cease to quiver. He makes a quick stop at the cupboard where Jinhwan keeps his alcohol and pulls down a half full bottle of soju. Then he sits at Jinhwan’s kitchen table staring at his glass and bottle and realizes three things.

  1. Jiwon is the same selfish asshole he was a year ago.
  2. Jinhwan is probably going to force Hanbin to talk to him again.
  3. Hanbin is still hopelessly in love with the aforementioned asshole.



He thinks about these three things for a bit and then pours himself a drink.

 

When Jinhwan comes back from work later Hanbin’s almost finished his bottle. He takes one look at Hanbin sitting at the kitchen table with a lost look and his face falls.

 

“I’m taking it that it didn’t go well with Jiwon.”

 

Hanbin slowly shakes his head, staring at the bottle of soju. It’s beautiful how the light filters through the liquid, casting shadows that dance and shift on the table in front of him. It’s easier to look at the shadows then to look in Jinhwan’s eyes so he stares down at the table.

 

“He’s never going to forgive me.”

 

Jinhwan sighs, and dropping his work bag on the chair next Hanbin grabs a glass from the shelf for himself. Sitting down he reaches over and pulls the soju over, pouring himself a drink. Throwing it back he sets the glass on the table again and runs his hands over his face.

 

“You two are so damn pig headed, you know that? He will forgive you, he just doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, never has…Just… Just promise me you won’t give up Hanbin?”

 

Hanbin stares into the bottom of his glass. Thinks about the sharp fierce look on Jiwon’s face, thinks about the bitter words he spit at him. Thinks about how his heart still sped up when he opened the door. He looks up at Jinwhan.

 

“Alright. Alright.”

 

And even as the words leave his mouth he wonder’s if he’s making a mistake.

 


	9. Chapter Nine

Hanbin thought Jinhwan would push for him to go see Jiwon again but he doesn’t even mention him the next day to Hanbin’s surprise. He doesn’t broach the topic because if he’s honest with himself he’s not sure he’s ready to see Jiwon again. The last visit ripped open too many old scars and he needs time to heal those wounds again. Despite Jinwhan’s silence though Jiwon lingers in the back of Hanbin’s mind, like a quiet ghost he stays and no matter how hard he tries to shake it him off he can’t. He tries to paint a little, as a way to calm himself mostly, but the paintings come out harsh and sharp and bitter as Jiwon’s face and he goes over most of them with white. With each stroke of thick paint he draws over color he imagines he’s painting away Jiwon, his dark eyes and wide hands, painting away Jiwon’s touch he still feels burning on his skin. One day, frustrated with the unrelenting lines on the canvas in front of him he crumples it tight in his hand, wet paint smearing across his palms like blood and throws it in the trash. After a few minutes though he wipes his hands on a paper napkin and fishes the canvas out. He’s learned better then to waste. 

True to his word Yunhyeong get’s Hanbin an interview at the little bakery/café he works at. He’s a little nervous, he hasn’t had to interview for a job in a long time and as he pulls on one of his nicer sweaters over a button down he’s borrowing from Jinhwan he’s suddenly unsure of himself. 

The first thing he notices when he opens the door to the café is the rich smell of fresh sweet bread that permeates the air. It’s warm and comforting and Hanbin breaths in deeply, letting the familiarity of it calm his nerves. His mother loves to bake and it reminds him of sunny mornings in their home and the sound of her gentle humming in the kitchen. It’s before opening hours and the place is empty, chairs stacked upside down on top of the little tables scattered across the open floor of the room. Cautiously Hanbin ventures further in, there’s a door behind the counter that he assumes must lead to the kitchen area and he heads towards stopping awkwardly in front of the glass display case. 

“Hello?”

At first he thinks nobody’s heard him but then the kitchen door creaks open and a tousled head sticks out quickly followed by a tall lanky body. 

“Hey, you must be Hanbin! You’re here for the interview right?”

Hanbin nods. The tall boy makes his way around the counter, wide smile stretched across his face to reveal white straight teeth. When he reaches Hanbin he sticks his hand out,

“Nice to meet you, I’m Taehyun!”

Hanbin shakes it, smiling uncertainly back. 

“Nice to meet you too.”

Taehyun throws the towel he was holding in his other hand over his shoulder, wiping his hands on his pants instead which Hanbin finds a little nonsensical. 

“Here, I’ll take you back. I think Yang Sajangnim is on the phone right now but he should be ready for in a few minutes.”

He turns and makes his way back through to door, holding it open for Hanbin to follow. The scent of sweet bread and icing is stronger in the kitchen, wafting from the large ovens set along one wall. There’s another person in the kitchen, a boy with a wide angular face and narrow eyes. He’s standing by a flour covered counter vigorously kneading a huge lump of pale dough. When the door opens and they walk in he turns and smiles at them, giving Hanbin a wave. Taehyun gestures towards him,

“This is Suenghoon, he bakes.”

Suenghoon nods happily at this succinct description.

“I’d shake your hand but-“

He wiggles his fingers to demonstrate, little webs of dough string and snap between his fingers. Hanbin laughs and nods understandingly and Suenghoon turns back to his dough. Taehyun keeps walking through the kitchen past pans of unbaked pastries and half decorated cakes. He makes his way to the back of the kitchen and Hanbin trails behind. At the end of the kitchen area’s there’s several large racks of flour, sugar, and anything else you could need for baking. Taehyun makes a right and walks down a little hallway at the end of which there’s a door. He turns back to Hanbin,

“Let me just check and see if he’s ready.”

Then giving the door a slight knock he cracks it open and slips inside. There’s a few seconds of muffled conversation in the room before Taehyun re emerges and gives Hanbin a bright smile. 

“Alright, you can head in. Good luck!”

Hanbin smiles back, thanks him and then he’s gone disappeared back in the direction of the kitchen. Hanbin straightens his collar, takes a deep breath, and opens the door. There’s a middle-aged man, maybe 45 or 46 sitting at a desk in the middle of the room reading some papers. When he hears the door click open he looks up, setting his reading aside. His face is broad and serious, with a flat nose and wide mouth. He gives Hanbin a small smile and gestures to a chair in front of the desk. Hanbin shrugs off his backpack and sits, folding his hands in his lap. 

The interview goes well, Yang Hyunsuk is more then a little intimidating but he seems to like Hanbin and at the conclusion of the meeting he smiles at Hanbin and tells him he can start on Friday. Hanbin had some barista experience from his early college days and so he’ll help Taehyun at the front of the shop. He and Jinhwan and Yunhyeong celebrate that night with expensive kalbi and too much soju. Seeing Yunhyeong and Jinhwan together doesn’t ache as much as it used too, and he falls asleep with a smile on his face and laughter still bubbling in his throat

It’s nice, he settles into his new routine easily. He gets up with Jinhwan in the morning and leaves for work with him, when he has a free afternoon he paints or cooks or heads to the little coffee shop he found his first day of wandering and draws. The girl he saw there that first day is apparently also a regular and he sees her every now and then, always in the same place by the window. He likes to sketch her, the smooth waves of her hair and the thick lashes that frame her eyes, the delicate curve of her lip. He’s aware it’s probably a little creepy but he figures she’ll never know. He’s wrong though.

It’s a sunny afternoon and he’s back in the café, a half finished latte in front of him and his sketch book open on the table. The girl is sitting at her customary table, laptop out and engrossed with something on the screen. She’s not paying attention so he takes the time to let his gaze linger, to perfect the lines of her face on paper. He glances down to adjust the curve of her nose and when he looks up she’s staring directly at him, face impassive and impossible to read. He quickly looks away, heat rising on the back of his neck. When he looks back though she’s still staring and then to his dismay she rises from her seat and starts making her towards him. With each step the heels of her boots clack against the floor and with each step his heart sinks lower. He scrabbles for his sketchbook, pulling it towards him but she’s faster and suddenly she’s standing in front of him with his sketchbook held in her hands. He wants to hide under a rock somewhere and he can feel his face go red but he can’t look as she examines the pencil sketch of her. He keeps waiting for the condemnation to come but she just examines the page with an almost discerning look in her eye. Finally she looks up at him and opens her mouth. 

“It’s not a bad portrait. Do you usually work in pencil?”

It takes a second for Hanbin to get his reply out, this conversation heading in an entirely different direction then he’d imagined it would. 

“Um- no… I mostly do oil paintings.”

She nods thoughtfully, hands back his sketchbook which he clutches protectively to his chest then takes a seat across from him. He stares, still completely bewildered. 

“I could sit for you sometime, if you’d be interested. Probably be easier then sneaking glances at me from across the coffee shop.”

If it’s possible Hanbin feels himself blush even harder. He looks away when he answers, not sure he can face her.

“I’m really sorry about this, I wasn’t trying to be creepy or anything.”

The words stumble out of his mouth and he winces internally, way to be smooth. She just smiles though, the first smile he’s seen from her. It makes her hard face even more beautiful when she does. 

“It’s alright. I don’t mind. I’m not an artist myself but I run a gallery, I know what you artist types are like. Never can resist an opportunity.”

She reaches across the table to where a few pens have spilled out of his case. She grabs one off the table with manicured fingers and then gestures to his sketch book. 

“Could I have some paper?”

He rips off a corner of an empty page and hands it to her. With neat boxy figures she writes out a phone number and name and hands the paper and pen back. 

“Text me if you’re interested.”

Then she gets up and heads back to her table, packing up her things and walking out. He doesn’t look at her name until after she leaves, it’s pretty. Lee Hayi. 

That night he tells Jinhwan the whole story and he nearly snorts water out of his nose, laughing so hard his face turns bright red. After he’s stopped wheezing and wiped the tears from his eyes Jinwhan says,

“Well, no one can ever say you don’t have a way with the women Hanbin.”

Hanbin has to resist the urge to throw something at him.

All in all things are good, things are better. Hanbin’s happy, and he’s managed to push away the hungry tired look on Jiwon’s face when he opened the door, to almost forget the way his bare skin felt as it brushed against Hanbin’s arm. Almost managed to forget that he’s still in love with a man he’s pretty sure hates him. In love with a person he’s afraid off. It’s a little over two weeks since the day he visited Jiwon when he comes homes from work. He’s a little later then he normally is, Taehyun was stuck in traffic and he had to stay and cover until he got there. He got to take home a bag of day old buns that didn’t sell though, and he knows Jinhwan will love him for it. He unlocks the door, discarding his workbag on the couch before heading to the kitchen. He hears two voices, and wonders if Yunhyeong is over, Jinwhan didn’t mention anything about him coming over that morning. 

“I brought home desser-“

The words die in his mouth though, fluttering like broken butterflies in the back of his throat because sitting in Jinhwan’s kitchen slight and pale and bent over a cup of tea is Jiwon. He freezes in the doorway, fingers loosening around the handle of the plastic bag in his hand till it slips free and lands on the floor with a soft thud. Jiwon’s back is to him, he can just see the line of his profile. Light dancing along the curve of his throat and reflecting off the soft curls of hair at the nape of his neck and Hanbin feels his breath catch and die because Jiwon’s here, Jiwon’s sitting here and he’s so close he could reach out and touch him and yet he feels so far away. Jiwon turns at Hanbin’s words and he looks tired, still so tired, and he doesn’t smile but there is a softness in his eyes when he speaks that wasn’t there before. 

“Hey, Hanbin.”


	10. Chapter Ten

For a few moment silence reigns in the small kitchen, the only sound Hanbin’s heart pounding in his own ears and the gentle hum of traffic from the street below. They are all frozen, like painted figures in a strange tragic tableau. Jinhwan is the first to move, setting down the cup he was holding on the counter beside him with a clatter that rings through the room. He glances at his watch, and then back at Hanbin and Jiwon.

“I told Yunhyeong I’d meet him at 4:30 and I’m already late, I should get going.”

He pushes himself out the counter and walks towards Hanbin, as he passes him on his way out he leans in and whispers softly in Hanbin’s ear.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trap you like this but it’s the only way to get you two to talk. Please don’t be too angry.”

Then he’s gone, and it’s just Jiwon and Hanbin alone. For what feels a long while Hanbin just stands there in shock, words still frozen in his mouth. Jiwon is the first one too move. He gestures awkwardly towards the discarded sack of pastries on the floor.

“You, uh, you dropped your bag.”

It takes a second for it to register and then Hanbin feels his face go red and he hurriedly leans down to pick up the bag and walks over to the counter, trying his best to avoid eye contact as he goes. He sets the pastries down and busies himself with getting out a Tupperware bin and carefully fitting them in. He doesn’t look at Jiwon because he’s not sure he can hold it together if he does so he keeps his back to him and fiddles and tries to stop his hands from shaking. He can hear Jiwon moving around behind him, hear the rustle of the fabric of his jacket as he shifts in his chair, the nervous tapping of his fingers on the ceramic of his mug, the rasp of his breath. He can see him too, a dark blur in the corners of his eye just visible in peripheral vision. In this moment he is intensely, painfully aware of Jiwon’s presence in the room, of his every movement. It feels like he’s suffocating, it feels like he’s learning how to breath again. Once more it’s Jiwon who breaks the silence and it nearly makes Hanbin jump.

“I can leave if you want me to.”

Hanbin doesn’t turn, just grips the counter and stares down at his neatly packed Tupperware.

“You don’t have to leave.”

Please don’t leave.

The words hang in the air, heavy and leaden and Hanbin almost wishes he could take them back. Jiwon doesn’t reply and quiet falls over the room again like a blanket. Sometimes it seems like his conversations with Jiwon are just long stretches of silence with words thrown in between. It wasn’t always like that, Jiwon used to talk too much and Hanbin was happy to listen to him but somewhere in between then and now that changed and now the quiet fills the moments between them.

“Please, Hanbin, look at me.”

And Jiwon sounds so broken, so resigned, so different from the bitter anger in his apartment that Hanbin finds himself turning around with out even thinking about it. Jiwon is standing now, hands loose and limp by his sides staring at Hanbin with wistful eyes and a look of hope and hurt on his face and Hanbin’s breath catches in his throat because Jiwon is still beautiful with the afternoon light filtering through the curtains and dancing across the lines of his face. And Hanbin thinks that Jiwon is beautiful in the way that winter storms and broken glass and tragic plays are beautiful. They are beautiful yes, but they are dangerous. And to love broken glass and winter storms and everything in between is to bleed. Jiwon is a tragedy wrapped up in a human skin and it’s hard to love a tragedy without becoming one yourself.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for how I acted before. I was hurt and I lashed out and it was wrong.”

Hanbin shrugs, rubs at a callus on his palm.

“I’m sorry too.”

Jiwon lets out a little laugh and there’s no humor in it.

“I guess we both have a lot to be sorry for.”

He sits downs again, letting out a sigh. There’s something boneless about the movement, like all of his strings have been cut and all he can do is fall. Hanbin follows him, sits down in the chair across from him.

“Why are you here, Jiwon?”

Jiwon looks down at the now cool cup of tea in front of him, looks out the window, at the ceiling, looks everywhere but Hanbin. Finally he swallows, and his voice is so quiet that even though he’s sitting just across the table he has to strain to hear him.

“Because I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

Hanbin’s mouth goes dry, because this is what he was afraid of (this is maybe what he wanted to hear all along)

“Jiwon- I can’t-“

Jiwon doesn’t let him finish though, eyes wide and desperate.

“What we had, we had something good. And a year apart can’t change that, you… do you still love me?”

Hanbin wants so badly to run, from this room and this conversation and Jiwon’s wild eyes. It’s strange, when they were together it always felt like a fight for Jiwon’s love. Felt like a struggle to hold them together but now Jiwon is the desperate one and he’s the one who’s falling away and Hanbin doesn’t know what to do. 

“It’s not about whether I still love you or not, Jiwon. It's not about love at all. You hurt me, and I know I hurt you too. You really want to risk all that pain again? For something that might fail all over again? Sometimes...sometimes just love isn't enough."

He doesn’t answer Jiwon’s question though, because he doesn’t want to say the words. And the truth is their relationship did hurt him. He bared the deepest parts of himself, the most intimate moments he could offer and he was never quite sure they were reciprocated.

“I promise I’ll change Hanbin, I promise it won’t be the same as last year. We can make it something good.”

Hanbin just smiles sadly and shakes his head.

“It’s not the first time you’ve said that. I just don’t know… I just don’t know if we can ever work out Jiwon. I don't know if we're right for each other.”

For a second it looks like Jiwon’s going to say something, a fire sparking in his eyes and face tense but then the moment passes and he deflates back into his chair and Hanbin let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He looks so defeated, shoulders slumped and hair falling like a messy curtain in front of his face and something in Hanbin’s heart aches. Jiwon’s hand is sitting on the table, curled into a loose fist. Hanbin reaches out, slow and careful and gentle and just lets his fingers graze the top of Jiwon’s knuckles. Jiwon looks up, just as careful, both of them moving like any sudden action could shatter this moment beyond all repair. Hanbin speaks, and the words are barely carried on his exhale.

“Maybe…Maybe we can try to start over? Start fresh? Not together…just learning each other again.”

Hanbin still has his hand on Jiwon’s knuckles and his skin is hot against his fingertips. Jiwon nods, just a little, just enough.

“This isn’t a promise, Jiwon.”

Jiwon nods again and something settles in the air like electricity and sitting there with his hand on Jiwon’s Hanbin wonders what he’s gotten himself into.

When Jinhwan gets home it’s late and Hanbin is sitting on the couch with the TV on in the background, but he’s not really paying attention to it. He doesn’t even realize Jinhwan’s back until he calls his name out making Hanbin jump a little. He looks concerned,

“Did it go okay?”

For a long time Hanbin doesn’t reply. There’s the muted mutter of the news in the background and even though Jiwon left hours ago he can still feel him in the space he left behind. Can still feel the hum of something in the air, lingering like expensive cologne.

“I don’t know.”

Jinhwan gives him a long searching look and seems satisfied with whatever he finds in Hanbin’s face.

“Alright. I’m glad.”

That night it takes Hanbin a long time to fall asleep and when he does sleep he dreams of white hands and slender fingers and the look in Jiwon’s eyes.

After he asks Jinhwan if it’s alright he invites Hayi over to sit for a painting. He sets up a space carefully in the kitchen, laying his paints and brushes out carefully on the kitchen table like a surgeon arranges his tools. Setting up the easel he feels his stomach tingle with anticipation and more then a little bit of nerves, it’s been a while since he’s painted with a real person as a model and his fingers jump with excitement.

He’s just pulling a chair out from the kitchen table for her to sit on when he hears a knock on the door. He opens it to find Hayi, immaculate in dark jeans and a flowing white blouse with her hair pulled back into an elegantly messy bun.

“Come on in.”

The hallway in front of the door is small and as she brushes past him he can smell the scent of floral perfume waft after her. He follows her into the apartment, gesturing toward the kitchen. She plops into the chair, gently tossing her bag on to the kitchen table. He follows her in, uncertain even though she’s the guest and he’s the host. He clears his throat, tries not to sound nervous when he speaks.

“Want anything to drink? There’s water, tea, I could make coffee.”

She smiles prettily,

“I’d love some tea.”

He’s glad she asked for something, it gives him something to do other then stand there awkwardly. As he busies himself with his task he hears her stand up and move around the kitchen. Once he has the kettle on the stove he turns around to see her standing by the table one examining the paintbrushes he’d laid out, running her fingers gently over the worn handles. She doesn’t turn to face him just asks,

“How long have you been painting?”

Hanbin shrugs,

“For as long as I can remember. I’ve just always loved it.”

She turns now, looks at him carefully in a way that makes him feel exposed and a little uncomfortable. She doesn’t say anything, just nods and even though there are no words Hanbin feels as though he’s passed some unspoken test. He can’t help but feel relieved as he turns back to take the water off the heat.

Finally after they drink their tea and chat it’s time. Hayi settles into the chair in front of the canvas and he grabs a pencil from his case. He gestures awkwardly towards her bun.

“Would you mind letting that down? I think it might work better for the painting.”

She nods, reaching up and pulls out the elastic band keeping her hair in place. Once freed it cascades down her neck and shoulders in a mass of dark curls. She shakes it out, letting it settle gently into place.

“What kind of expression do you want?”

“Just resting is fine, whatever face you’d normally have.”

She nods again, and lets her features settle into a neutral expression. Hanbin’s taken again with how striking she is. She’s not necessarily classically beautiful by Korean standards, her cheeks a little round and her nose a little wide, but there’s something about her eyes that stands out even in a room full of people, something that can make you shiver. She’s a good model, as Hanbin starts to pencil in the lines of her face she doesn’t fidget or shift, just stays perfectly still and calm. The afternoon fades away into a blur of soft light and the smell of paint. Hayi stays silent for most of the session, content to sit but at one point she speaks up. Hanbin is working on a particularly difficult lock of hair and he’s only half paying attention.

“Why did you sketch me in that coffee shop?”

Hanbin shrugs, not looking up from his canvas tongue pressed to the back of his teeth in concentration.

“I like to draw beautiful things.”

He misses the blush that stains her cheeks.


	11. Chapter 11

It’s a slow Thursday afternoon and the café is empty. A few people have wandered in but all of them order coffee and then leave. No ones come in for nearly 45 minutes though, the dreary weather keeping the streets empty. Hanbin stretches out his back, twisting his waist back and forth and restraining a yawn. A quick glance at the clock shows it’s nearly four which means it’s only an hour till he gets off. Taehyun’s in the corner cleaning the espresso machine and they’re chatting about weekend plans when Hanbin hears the door chime, he turns to the front a greeting already halfway out his mouth but it dies in his throat because walking through the door with a little half smile on his face and ruffled damp hair is Jiwon. Hanbin swallows hard and finds his voice again.

“Hey.”

It comes out a little weak and so he clears his throat and tries again. Jiwon smiles a littler wider. Taehyun can obviously tell there’s some tension between them, glancing back and forth between the two with a curious look on his face.

“What are you doing here?”

It comes out a little harsher then Hanbin wanted it to and he tries to soften the words with a smile. Jiwon just shrugs,

“Jinhwan told me you got a job here. It’s on my way to work so I thought I’d swing by.”

Hanbin nods, making a mental note to kill Jinhwan when he gets home. Tae-hyun chooses this moment to speak up.

“Hey Hanbin, I need to grab something from the back real quick. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Without even waiting for a response he disappears through the door to the kitchen with a subtle wink and then Hanbin is alone with Jiwon. He adds Tae-hyun to the list of people he’s going to murder once he gets off work. Hanbin clears his throat a little awkwardly,

“So… what can I get you?”

Jiwon looks surprised for a second, like he forgot he’s just supposed to be here for coffee but it disappears before Hanbin can be sure it was really there.

“Tall latte with an extra shot and caramel drizzle.”

There’s a little ache at that, because Jiwon hasn’t changed in some ways and Hanbin already knew what he was going to ask for. He’d always laughed when Jiwon had ordered it, teasing him about his ridiculous sweet tooth and Jiwon would just smile so wide his eyes disappeared. He shakes off the memories though and moves to make the drink, he works in silence for a few seconds before Jiwon speaks up.

“So, you like it here?”

Hanbin nods,

“Yeah. Everybody’s really nice, plus I get free cake. What’s not to love.”

Jiwon laughs a little at that,

“Sounds like a pretty good deal.”

Hanbin nods, and standing here with Jiwon across the counter it feels almost like old times. He hands him his drink and rings up the total on the cash register.

“Alright, that’ll be ₩4000.”

Jiwon fumbles in his pockets for a few seconds before he pulls out a crumpled 5000 won note and hands it over. Hanbin counts out the change and drops it into Jiwon’s palm, their fingertips brushing. Jiwon glances at his phone and immediately swears,

“Shit, I’m gonna be late again.”

Glancing up at Hanbin he flashes a dazzling, crooked smile.

“Sorry, I have to run. See you around soon?”

Hanbin barely has the chance to nod before he’s heading it out the door and then he’s gone leaving nothing but the scent of his cologne and a smile that’s burned into the back of Hanbin’s eye lids like sunshine. A few seconds later Tae-hyun appears from the back suspiciously empty handed and with a snarky grin on his face.

“Looks like you’ve got an admirer!”

Hanbin doesn’t turn to look at him, just grits his teeth.

“Taehyun, you’d better pray somebody walks in right now or I’m going to murder you.”

All Taehyun does is laugh.

It’s Friday night and Jinhwan has a work party and, of course, he forces Hanbin to come. Hanbin’s never been the type for parties, especially ones that consist almost entirely of people he doesn’t know. Jinhwan doesn’t listen to his protests, adamant that he needs to “get out more” often.

“All you do is work and paint and clean Hanbin, that’s not how life is supposed to be lived.”

Jinhwan says as he throws a clean shirt at Hanbin from his suitcase. Hanbin just raises his hands in front of his face just in time to catch it, he sighs heavily but doesn’t make a move to push himself off the couch where he’s sitting.

“I go out with Junhoe and Chanwoo and Donghyuk.”

Jinhwan just gives him a look.

“That doesn’t count and you know it, they’re already your friends. You need to meet some new people.  Anyways, Yunhyeong can’t come so you’re going to be my date. Now put that on and lets go.”

Hanbin sighs again and heads to the bathroom, he’s smart enough to know when he’s lost.

As soon as they’re in the door Hanbin regrets coming. Immediately several voices call out to Jinhwan in greeting and they’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Jinhwan introduces him to them one by one, and names slip through his head as soon as he turns to the next person. Eventually the painful process of greeting everyone is over and Hanbin is content to fade to the sidelines of the room and let Jinhwan socialize. He grabs a drink and finds himself a nice corner to lean moodily in and settles in for the long haul. He idly lets his eyes scan the room, finding Jinhwan in deep conversation with an older man and people chatting and talking everywhere. One figure draws his attention though, another person not part of the crowd of people mingling. Like him she stands to the side, simply watching the party. She’s tall and strikingly beautiful with a narrow cat-like face and silky dark hair trimmed to shoulder length. There’s something lonely to her, a still statue among the living. He watches her for a little, and his fingers itch for a sketchbook. After a few minutes though she turns and disappears into the kitchen. He’s about to follow when Jinhwan appears at his side.

“Hey, sorry to abandon you like that. You doing alright over here?”

Hanbin nods at him distractedly, eyes still wandering towards the doorway to the kitchen where the girl had entered.

“I’m fine.”

Jinhwan follows his gaze,

“I think there’s some snacks in there if you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll grab some.”

Jinhwan’s name is called out from the crowd and he tosses back a reply over his shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re alright by yourself?”

Hanbin throws up his hands in a reassuring gesture.

“Totally, go be the social butterfly I know you are.”

Jinhwan smiles and shoves Hanbin lightly.

“Alright, alright. Just let me know if you need anything okay?”

Hanbin nods and Jinhwan disappears back to his friends with a last smile. Hanbin turns and follows the girl into the kitchen.

He finds her sitting on one of the counters, feet swinging lightly against the cabinets beneath. She’s staring out the high window that’s cracked open just enough to let in a cool breeze, eyes fixed on something Hanbin can’t see.

“Not big on parties huh?”

She starts a little at the sound of his voice, head whipping around and delicate hand flying to her mouth. Hanbin lets out a little laugh at the almost comical look of surprise in her eyes.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

She lets her hand fall, a little exhale escaping her lips.

“It’s alright, I was totally spacing out. And no, I’m not a big fan of large groups of people.”

Hanbin walks a little closer, leaning on the counter across from her and folding his arms.

“Can’t say I am either.”

She lets out a light laugh and it rings like bells in the small space.

“And that’s why we’re the only two people hiding in the kitchen.”

Hanbin raises an eyebrow and shrugs, gesturing around the room.

“I mean it’s got everything, food, alcohol, a nice view. I think we have the best spot in the house.”

She laughs again, lips stretched wide and Hanbin can’t stop the smile that spreads across his own mouth. When her laughter quiets she leans forward, extending a hand across the space between them.

“I’m Jin-kyung by the way.”

Hanbin reaches out and shakes her hand,

“Hanbin. It’s nice to meet you.”

They chat a little after that, about work and hobbies. They discover that they both grew up in the same area of Seoul (her younger brother went to the same high school as Hanbin did) and that they both have an undying child hood passion for mickey mouse. She’s easy to talk too, and Hanbin finds himself actually enjoying the night. At one point she reaches up to brush a strand of hair behind her ear and Hanbin sees a gold band with a small but pretty diamond on her ring finger. He gestures to it.

“Congratulations.”

She looks confused for a second but then he sees it click in her head. Immediately she lets her left hand drop to her lap, covering it with the other almost like she’s embarrassed of it.

“Oh, um, thank you.”

Her voice is distinctly unhappy and flat, not the tone most girls would have talking about their engagement. Hanbin raises an eyebrow,

“Wow, try to reign your in enthusiasm.”

She laughs a little but it’s not the genuine one from before. He tries again to get a real one,

“Is he like a two headed monster or something? Is that why he’s not here tonight?”

She doesn’t laugh though, just smiles a little sadly.

“No, no, he’s just in Japan for business. He’s a good guy it’s just-“

She breaks off before she finishes her sentence though, shaking her head.

“Never mind… it’s nothing.”

Her denial is not convincing though and Hanbin’s interest is piqued. Gently he nudges her.

“Hey, you can tell me. I’m good at keeping secrets I promise.”

She looks at him out from under a curtain of dark hair, eyes bright and sharp. Finally she lets out a little sigh.

“I love him, I really do. And he is a great guy. He’s funny and successful and good looking it’s just… he’s just so absorbed in his own life it’s hard to be with him. Sometimes I feel like an after thought, instead of his fiancée.”

She laughs, but it’s a little bitter.

“I must sound like a bitch right now…”

Hanbin shakes his head, because he knows what she’s feeling all to well.

“No, you don’t. I understand what it’s like. It’s…it’s hard.”

She looks at him, something unguarded and intimate to her face. Her voice is quiet and just brushes against his ears.

“Really?”

And all of a sudden Hanbin’s telling her everything. Telling her about the night he met Jiwon, the butterflies in his stomach and how his lips tasted. Telling her about falling in love and then out of it, falling into something else harsh and cold and sad. Telling her about sitting in Jinhwan’s kitchen with his thumb against Jiwon’s knuckles, breathing a promise he doesn’t know if he can keep. Tells her about Jiwon’s smile, and how for a second it made him forget it all.

She sits and listens to all of it with a quiet look on her face. When he finishes she’s silent for a second, then she says,

“So you do understand.”

Hanbin nods.

“I know what it’s like to be more in love with someone then they are with you. I know how that feels. I know why sometimes you have to leave.”

Hanbin realizes now how close they are. At some point as he’s talked she’s slid off the counter and now they’re standing chest to chest, eye to eye, noses inches apart. Slowly, not breaking looking away she inches in closer and closer and Hanbin’s frozen in place.

Her lips are so close he can feel her exhales, warm and minty on his mouth, so close he can feel the heat radiating from her skin. They stay like that for a moment, neither moving, barely daring to breath. He’s the first one to break, angling his head away from hers, so that when she leans in her lips brush against his cheek like satin and silk and everything he wants but cannot have.

“I’m sorry. I’m just not…I can’t do this.”

She smiles, a little sad a little unsurprised

“It’s easy to see you’ve got a hole in you.”

He looks at her, confused.

“Not here, not outside.”

She says gesturing at his body.

“But here.”

And her cool, rose petal hand snakes under the hem of his shirt and slides up his chest to rest on his heart and it burns like ice and fire. It feels like condemnation, it feels like a verdict and the weight of its truth bows his back more then any physical burden ever could.

He breathes, quiet and fragile and wanting

“How do I fill it?”

Her eyes when she looks at him are dark and full of pity.

“I think you already know.”

There’s a noise at the doorway to the kitchen and they both jump apart like children caught doing something they shouldn’t be, her hand sliding out of his shirt. Hanbin turns to find Jinhwan standing with a confused and slightly concerned look on his face.

“Everything alright in here?”

Hanbin can only imagine how this looks and he feels his face start to burn. He nods quickly,

“Yeah, yeah everything’s good.”

Jinhwan looks unconvinced, eyeing the two of them with suspicious eyes but he doesn’t comment further.

“Well, I was thinking about heading home if you’re ready. It’s a little late.”

Hanbin glances at the clock on the wall and is surprised to find it’s nearly one. He turns back to Jinhwan,

“Yeah sounds good. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Jinwhan nods and gives them one last look before he leaves the kitchen. He turns back to Jin-kyung.

“I’m sorry about…that.”

And they both know he’s not talking about Jinhwan’s interruption. She looks down, her cheeks a little pink too.

“No, it’s alright. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds. And sorry for unloading all my problems on you…”

Hanbin shakes his head emphatically.

“No, don’t apologize. I don’t mind.”

“I’m still sorry.”

And they both know she’s not talking about over stepping her bounds. 

On the drive back home Jinhwan keeps giving Hanbin little glances when he thinks Hanbin not’s looking. Eventually Hanbin’s exasperation wins and he turns to Jinhwan rolling his eyes,

“What is it?”

“You know she’s engaged right?”

Hanbin stares out the window and thinks about her hand on his heart, thinks about Jiwon.

“It’s…it’s not like that.”

And it isn’t, even though it could have been. It’s not, because of Jiwon.

He asks about her, a few months later. He and Jinwhan are sitting in a coffee shop. It’s evening and the sun dyes the room pink and gold. Jinhwan glances at him,

“Jin-kyung? She got married in January. I heard it was a really nice ceremony.”

Hanbin takes a sip of coffee and watches the leaves shiver in the breeze outside. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Jiwon’s a regular customer now, after that first rainy afternoon he’s stopped by at least two or three times a week sometimes more. He always orders the same ridiculous drink and even Taehyun and Yunhyeong are starting to expect his visits. Even Suenghoon has caught on and teases him about his ‘admirer’. They chat, sometimes it’s busy and all they can do is greet each other but when the little café’s slow Jiwon likes to linger, just talking and Hanbin finds he doesn’t mind. He learns that Jiwon has a job as a waiter at a restaurant maybe 15 minutes away, learns he’s still working on his music, that he plays sets in clubs on his nights off when he can. There’s something safe about it, because Jiwon is a customer and Hanbin is a barista and he can pretend that’s all it is, pretend this is nothing more and even as Jiwon smiles and him and he feels his heart race in his chest he lies to himself. It’s never more then this, the little chats and stolen moments. Hanbin never asks Jiwon to do something outside of work and Jiwon never offers and so they exist in a strange halfway world between just friends and something more.

Hanbin’s growing antsy, camped out in Jinhwan’s living room. It’s not that he doesn’t like living with his friend, it’s just he itches for his own place, somewhere to call home that doesn’t feel quite so transient. He brings it up over dinner one night a little tentatively.

“So, I was thinking about moving out soon.”

Jinhwan looks up, surprised.

“What? Why? Is something bothering you?”

Hanbin shakes his head emphatically,

“No, no, you’ve been great Jinhwan it’s nothing like that. I just… I can’t sleep in your living room forever you know.”

(and he thinks about the nights Jinhwan’s spent at Yunhyeong’s, thinks that maybe it’s time his friend started a life of  his own)

Jinhwan looks down again, ducking his head to hide the hurt that flashes across it.

“You know you’ll always have a home here with me, right?”

Hanbin smiles gently and reaches across the table to squeeze Jinhwan’s shoulder.

“Of course I know that. But I think that this is the right choice for me. This was always going to be temporary anyways.”

Jinhwan nods and sighs.

“I know that… It’s just… I guess I didn’t want to lose you again you know?”

“You won’t. I promise, I’m not leaving again.”

Jinhwan smiles and nods.

“Well, if that’s what you want we better get looking.”

As it turns out there’s not much available in Seoul that’s both in Hanbin’s price range and not ridiculously far away from work. After almost a week and a half of searching Hanbin’s just about given up. He and Jinhwan are sitting in the living room scrolling through housing ads online and Hanbin slaps the lid of his laptop closed with a frustrated sigh and throws it to the side, letting out a deep sigh he lets his head fall back into the couch cushions and rubs at his face.

“Maybe I should just move back in with my parents. They probably won’t make me pay rent.”

Jinhwan hums distractedly, not looking up from his computer. Hanbin glances at him,

“Hey, you listening to me complain or not?”

Jinhwan nods, but he still doesn’t look at Hanbin intent on something on his screen. When he finally does look up there’s a look Hanbin can’t quite define on his face.

“I found something, but I don’t think you’re going to like it…”

Hanbin rolls his eyes,

“Jinhwan, I don’t think you understand how incredibly low my standards are right now. I’d literally take a walk in closet at this point.”

Jinhwan raises his eyebrows and shrugs, spinning his laptop to face Hanbin. He leans in, eyes scanning the page till he finds the address and then he recoils like he’s been burned.

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Jinhwan gives him a look, pulling his laptop back.

“See, I told you you wouldn’t like it.”

“Well that’s because I didn’t expect it to be the apartment literally right below Jiwon’s!”

It’s Jinhwan’s turn to roll his eyes now.

“Oh come on, it’s not like you’re moving in with him or something. It’s a nice apartment, reasonable price, and it’s close to work. Don’t let your pigheadedness get in the way of this alright?”

Hanbin sits back, chastened a little, and resists the urge to cross his arms and pout.

“You’re right… It’s just… weird to think about living in the same building as we did last year. A little close to home I guess.”

Jinhwan softens at that.

“I know. But it’s probably the best you’re going to do.”

He tells Jiwon the next time he comes into the café, trying to keep his tone casual. Jiwon freezes, a smile spreading across his face like the rising swell of the ocean. His voice when he speaks is so bright it aches and Hanbin swallows hard. Immediately he offers to help Hanbin move in and won’t hear any of Hanbin’s protests and so he gives in.

The interview is a breeze, the landlady remembers him from last year and is happy to have him back. It’s barely a week from when he finds the listing to signing the lease and no matter how strange it is Hanbin’s happy to walk back to Jinhwan’s with his own keys jingling in his pocket. They go out with boys that night to their usual bar to celebrate. As they’re getting ready to go Hanbin feels his phone buzz, it’s a text from Jiwon. It’s just one line. Just seven words, just 29 letters and a question mark, but it knocks the air out of Hanbin.

_Want to go for drinks sometime soon?_

He doesn’t open it, just lets it sit on his lock screen glowing bright. He puts his phone back in his pocket and when Jinhwan asks if everything is alright he smiles and nods. He tries not to think about it, tries to have fun but even as he jokes and laughs with his friends it lingers at the back of his mind.

When he and Jinhwan get home neither of them are ready to go to bed. They collapse bonelessly onto the couch, Hanbin throws his socked feet onto the coffee table and Jinhwan curls up beside him. He whispers to Jinhwan, they’re both sleepy and still a little drunk,

“You know how people always say there’s other fish in the sea?”

Jinhwan runs his hands over his face and lets his head fall to the side till he’s looking at Hanbin.

“Yeah, sure. Why?”

“What if he is my sea?”

Jinhwan shrugs. He doesn’t have to ask who Hanbin’s talking about.

“Then stop fishing I guess.”

The next day he texts Jiwon back,

_I’m crazy busy right now, moving and all. After I get settled maybe?_

The move goes smooth, he doesn’t have that much stuff at Jinhwan’s place and there’s only a few things in storage he has to get out. Junhoe and Jinhwan help ferry things over, and Donghyuk shows up later with cheap beer and chicken. By the time they’re finished the apartment still feels a little bare but it’s nice to be able to call a place his own again. Jiwon doesn’t show, but Hanbin doesn’t let himself be too disappointed about that. They all sit cross legged on the floor because Hanbin still doesn’t have chairs and reminisce about college days and hot summers and moments that seemed like they were going to last forever. As the sun sets Hanbin laughs long and hard, the kind of laugh that makes your ribs ache a little and he says goodbye to his friends with a smile on his face.

He’s just curled up on the couch with his laptop when he hears a knock on the door. Confused he looks at the time, past ten, nobody should be visiting. Slowly he gets up, figuring maybe someone forgot something. Instead he opens the door to Jiwon standing with a sheepish look on his face and a cardboard box full of things.

“Hey. Sorry I’m late.”

He doesn’t expect to see Jiwon standing there, but that’s the thing. He never expects Jiwon, can never tell what he’s going to do to next. He just stands there for a little, uncertain but with a cautious smile on his face. Hanbin stands there too, unsure of what to do. It’s just like Hanbin’s first visit to Jiwon after he came home to Korea but this time Hanbin’s the one on the inside and Jiwon is waiting expectantly. They stand there for a good minute before Hanbin steps aside and opens the door wider so Jiwon can slip past him.

He follows him into the apartment, watching as he takes in the room and suddenly feels a little embarrassed at the emptiness.

“I haven’t really got a lot of the stuff I need yet….”

He says lamely, scratching at the back of his head. Jiwon laughs a little, setting his box down on the couch.

“Yeah, I can see that.”

He turns to Hanbin, gesturing towards the chairless table by the kitchen.

“I think the restaurant I’m working at is replacing their chairs, I could probably get you some for free if you want.”

Hanbin looks at him, surprised,

“I mean, if it’s not a bother…”

Jiwon shakes his head, and shrugs in a smooth lazy movement that makes Hanbin’s throat tighten.

“It’s no problem, they’re just going to throw them away so I’m probably doing the environment a favor.”

Hanbin smiles, a little touched by the thoughtfulness of the gesture.

“Okay, yeah, that’d be great. Thank you. The deposit on this place kinda broke the bank.”

Jiwon smiles that wide dopey smile of his and runs a hand through his hair, pushing the floppy bangs out of his face.

“Of course. Anyways, I kind of owe you for not showing up to help with the move like I promised. I had to cover a shift for a friend.”

And it feels strange, so strange, to be here in his apartment with Jiwon in front of him laughing and smiling and talking about work. A sense of déjà vu hits Hanbin like a train and for a second he reels. Jiwon doesn’t notice though, instead he gestures to box behind him.

“I still had some of your things, thought I should bring them down now that you have your own place.”

Hanbin walks over and sifts through the contents, there’s a few art textbooks, some t-shirts and CD’s. Surprised he looks up at Jiwon,

“You kept all this stuff?”

Jiwon shrugs and looks a little embarrassed.

“It just… didn’t feel right to get rid of it…”

Hanbin looks down, and nods. They’re silent for a little because now they’re encroaching on sensitive topics, touching wounds that aren’t healed yet. Jiwon coughs uncomfortably and Hanbin fiddles with a loose thread on the couch. Eventually Jiwon breaks the silence.

“Well, I should probably get going. Early shift tomorrow.”

Hanbin stands, nodding.

“Yeah, yeah. Uh, thanks, for my stuff. And the chairs.”

Jiwon nods and turns, heading for the door. He opens it halfway in and halfway out, back framed by the light of the hall and Hanbin is struck by how similar it is to that night a year ago, and he feels sad for a reason he can’t really explain. This time though, Jiwon doesn’t leave. Instead he stops, turns back

“Hey, since you’re done with moving we should get those drinks sometimes. My treat, to celebrate.”

Hanbin looks up, not expecting the sudden request and his mouth moves before his brain does.

“Sure.”

Jiwon looks a little surprised at that, but the look of relief soon fades into a wide grin and Hanbin can’t help but smile back.

“Okay great! How does Friday sound?”

Still on autopilot Hanbin nods, Jiwon flashes him a quick thumbs up and then with a last goodbye he’s gone. The door swings shut behind him, and there’s a different kind of finality too it. Hanbin stares at the dark wood for a long time and hopes he just made the right choice.

Later that week Hanbin has Hayi over so he can work more on her portrait. Luckily Jiwon had kept his word and swung by with a few of the old chairs from his restaurant so they aren’t forced to sit on the floor but he still cleans his apartment thoroughly before she comes and hangs a few of his old paintings on the walls to brighten up the place. Beyond being an excellent model Hanbin’s discovered Hayi’s also good company. At first she seemed cool and reserved but as they spend more time together she opens up to reveal a sharp tongue and an unexpectedly silly side.

After Hanbin finishes his session she ends up staying, first for a cup of tea and then as the sun slowly sinks and the shadows lengthen for dinner. She’s a surprisingly resourceful cook and she relegates Hanbin to the sidelines as she digs through his mostly empty fridge and pulls together a noodle stir fry. Hanbin watches in awe as she skillfully flips the vegetables in his small dented pan.

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

She shrugs, not looking away from the stove.

“My mom’s a really good chef, she taught me a lot when I was younger.”

“Oh, so talent runs in the family?”

She gives him a sidelong look, a little smirk painted on her lips.

“Don’t you know Kim Hanbin? Flattery gets you everywhere.”

They eat dinner and chat. Mostly about art, because as much as Hanbin loves his friends none of them share his passion for crusty old European painters, but also about family and music and politics and food. Towards the end they trail off into a comfortable silence. Hayi breaks it though, a shy look on her face.

“Hey, I was going to a friends exhibition Friday. She does some really great sculpture work, would you want to come? You totally don’t have to, I just have an extra ticket and I figured you’d enjoy it.”

Hanbin smiles, it’s cute to see her flounder a little when she’s normally so collected.

“I wish I could, really, but I already have plans with someone on Friday.”

“Oh, okay. Like a date?”

There’s a strangely disappointed tone to her voice when she replies. Hanbin shakes his head though,

“No, not a date. Just catching up with an old friend.”

She nods, looking almost relieved. 

“Alright, another time then.”

Hanbin stretches out his pinky, and she locks it with hers.

“Another time, I promise.”


	13. Chapter Thirteen

n the days leading up to he and Jiwon’s meeting it’s all Hanbin can think about. He feels like a fresh faced teen before her first date and it annoys him that Jiwon still has this much control over him but there’s not much he can do about it. Hanbin ends up sitting alone at Woodstock on Friday, Jiwon’s working but he said he’d be able to get off early and so Hanbin waits. He didn’t tell Jinhwan he was meeting Jiwon, didn’t tell anyone because he’s still not sure how this is going to end and he doesn’t want to get their hopes up, he’s still trying not to get his up. He sits at the bar and nurses a beer, Mino’s not on tonight and the bartender is a new face Hanbin doesn’t know. When Hanbin orders another beer he asks,

“So, got a date tonight or are you drinking alone.”

Hanbin shrugs uncomfortably,

“I’m waiting for someone… a friend.”

He raises an eyebrow and smirks.

“A friend, huh.”

A half hour passes and still nothing, a part of Hanbin just wants to leave. Wants to go home and pretend this never happened but something keeps him in his seat, he’s not sure what. It’s pushing 9:00 and Hanbin’s about to give up when Jiwon walks in, hair slicked back and wearing a shirt that dips a little too deep. He looks around the bar and when he sees Hanbin his face lights up in a way only Jiwon can manage. The bartender follows his gaze and lets out a low whistle,

“Watch out with him, you could cut yourself on that one.”

Hanbin thinks that he already has. As Jiwon walks toward him all he can think is _what am I doing_ in an endless repeat inside his head. It’s the feeling of the slow climb to the top of a roller coaster, there’s fear because you know what’s ahead, there’s anticipation, but there’s also the rush of adrenaline and _want_ underneath it all. And when the rails fall away you don’t think at all, you just feel pure and wild and untarnished _._ Jiwon’s the slow climb and the drop at the end all at once.

Jiwon reaches him and drops into the seat next to Hanbin and orders a beer. He’s a little breathless and his skin glistens wet from the rain outside, drops running down the exposed curve of his collarbone. Hanbin’s mouth goes dry and he takes another sip of his drink.

“Sorry I’m late, my boss was being a dick and then I missed the bus so I had to run here.”

Hanbin shakes his head,

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

It starts out a little uncomfortable, a little stiff. They test each other’s boundaries, where they can and cannot go and there are more then a few awkward silences. Because even though they’re working on it they can’t pretend the last year didn’t happen, can’t gloss over the fights and the ugly moments. As the night goes on though the awkwardness fades away and they fall back into what they had before. It feels new and fragile and yet so familiar all at once. Jiwon’s careful to respect Hanbin’s space, keeps his hands to himself, but there’s a few times they brush together and Jiwon’s bare skin against his feels like fire.

They go back their building together, Jiwon walks him down the hall to his apartment which feels a little silly since Jiwon lives just a floor above but it’s a sweet gesture and Hanbin doesn’t mind so much. They linger outside his door, just talking and laughing and it feels so natural and Hanbin remembers why he fell in love in the first place. It’s easy to forget the fights and angry words and empty nights right now, standing here with Jiwon and even though Hanbin knows the danger it lingers in the corners of his mind and he ignores the voice in the back of his head that says he should say goodbye and go to bed and forget this whole thing ever happened. He ignores it because he wants just a little more, a few more seconds of this night. It’s always like this, because Jiwon’s an addiction. He craves him, wants him, needs him, even though he knows he’s dangerous. Jiwon is like playing with fire, except Hanbin’s not so sure he’d mind getting burned. So maybe Jiwon’s not the only addict here, maybe Hanbin is just as guilty.

He doesn’t know how it happens, he never does, but one moment they’re talking and the next Jiwon has him pinned up against the wall beside his apartment door, hands on the sides of his face and mouth pressed against his and Hanbin’s kissing back, letting his hands wander down the expanse of Jiwon’s back.  They stay like that for maybe 30 seconds tops but it’s the longest 30 seconds of Hanbin’s life. In the end it’s Jiwon who breaks away first, stumbling back with wide eyes, his fingers pressed to his lips so hard they go white.

“I’m sorry.”

Then he turns and almost runs down the hallway without waiting for a response. Hanbin watches him go, breath coming hard and fast. He stands in the hall for a long time after Jiwon disappears back still pressed against the wall and world spinning around his head. He wishes he could blame it on the alcohol, blame it on loneliness and lust and late nights but it was never just that with Jiwon, it was never _just_. It was something more, something deeper. Something so much more deadly.

Hanbin wakes the next morning to the memory of Jiwon’s lips on his and immediately groans and rolls over, pulling a pillow over his face. He lies there for a long time, replaying last night over and over in his head like a movie. This is why he should’ve have said no in the first place, because he’s starting down a path he’s not sure he wants to follow, not sure he’s ready to follow. When he finally gathers the energy to get out of bed he shuffles to the kitchen and makes himself a pot of coffee. After he has caffeine in his system and the pounding in his head recedes a little he calls Jinhwan. He answers the phone in a rough whisper,

“Hey, what’s up?”

Hanbin glances up at his clock in confusion, it’s past 10 and Jinhwan’s normally an early riser.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Yunhyeong’s over, he hasn’t woken up yet.”

Hanbin feels a little bad, he hadn’t even considered that Jinhwan might not be alone. He’s so used to his friend always being there when he needs him, he has to remember that’s he not always the only person in his life.

“I can call back later if you want.”

“No it’s fine, he sleeps forever. I’ll just get up.”

There’s the sound of rustling sheets and the creak of a door opening and closing. When Jinhwan speaks next his voice is at a normal volume.

“So, what’s up?”

Hanbin takes a deep breath and spills the whole story of Jiwon coming over to his apartment the day he moved in too the end of last night. After he’s done there’s a long pause on the other end of the line.

“Congratulations?”

Jinhwan’s reply is as uncertain as Hanbin feels. He lets his head fall against the back of his couch, examines the spots on his ceiling.

“That’s the problem, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not.”

Jinhwan sighs and the noise echoes like static through the phone.

“Look, Hanbin, did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Okay so then it was a good thing.”

Hanbin chews at the inside of his lip,

“I don’t know though, because I don’t know if I can do this with him again…if I’m ready.”

“Then it was a bad thing.”

Hanbin shakes his head, the sound of early morning traffic filtering through his window with the smell of gasoline and wet pavement.

“No, no….it wasn’t bad- it was just…I don’t know…”

Jinhwan’s tone when he responds is verging on exasperated.

“Hanbin, I love you, you know that. And I want you to be happy, so you have to make a decision about this. You obviously still love him, you just have to decide if you love him enough to try again. It’s that simple. You can’t keep flip flopping back and forth like this, it’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to you.”

The words sting a little, and Hanbin knows they’re true, but it’s not as easy as Jinhwan makes it sound. Not so easy just to decide, yes or no, especially not with the taste of Jiwon still on his lips. He ends the call just as unsure as when he started it.

After that night Jiwon doesn’t stop by the coffee shop for a while, long enough that his co-workers notice. Even Seunghoon who’s fairly clueless and rarely emerges from the kitchen ask where ‘bunny boy’ as he calls him is. It’s almost a relief, if Hanbin is honest with himself, because he’s still not even close to sorting out how he feels about the whole thing and seeing Jiwon would only make it that much harder. After the fourth day Jiwon is absent Taehyun asks,

“Did you two fight or something?”

Hanbin shakes his head, slowly wiping crumbs off of a dirty table.  

“No, the opposite really.”

Eventually, though, Jiwon texts him. It’s short and Hanbin can almost feel the embarrassment radiating through the screen of his phone.

_I’m really sorry about the other night. Can we just pretend that never happened?_

He taps out a reply.

_Okay._

Apparently Jiwon meant this very literally because he starts to drop by the coffee shop again and he doesn’t say a word about the kiss or any of that night in fact. He’s his usual self, all smiles and jokes and Hanbin sometimes has to remind himself that the whole thing wasn’t a dream. It’s for the best, he tells himself, for the best. Sometimes though he catches the look on Jiwon’s face when he thinks Hanbin isn’t looking and it’s harder to convince himself of that.

When he finishes her portrait he invites Hayi over to see it. She gasps a little when she sees it, eyes wide and Hanbin smiles. He’s not one to brag but he has to admit he’s proud of it. Her face dominates the canvas, expression somewhere between serene and wistful, eyes focused somewhere far in the distance. The background is consumed by full blooming roses in a hundred different shades of red and pink and yellow, framing her pale skin and dark hair. She stares at it for a long time silently, finally she asks,

“Why roses?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“They just seemed to suit you, beautiful but with an edge.”

She smiles, and her cheeks are a little pink.

“It’s beautiful Hanbin, really.”

Afterwards they go out to lunch at a sushi place down the street from Hanbin’s apartment. It’s a place he used to go all the time with Jiwon, they’re even sitting at their regular table, and it’s strange to be there with someone else. To look across the table and not see Jiwon sitting there, bright smile on his lips. He shakes the nostalgia off though and focuses on what Hayi’s saying, tries to separate the past from the present.

“I have a proposal for you.”

Hanbin looks up from his sushi, curious.

“What is it?”

She takes a sip of her water, sets the glass down on the table.

“I had an exhibition planned for the end of the month with this painter from Sweden. He had to drop out for personal reasons and now I have an exhibition date and no artist. Would you want to step in?”

 For a second Hanbin stares at her, mouth half open and wonders if he heard her right. She stares back, looking a little uncomfortable and finally snaps,

“Don’t sit there and stare at me like a idiot, just answer all right!”

Hanbin shuts his mouth and swallows, nearly choking as he struggles to get the food down.

“Yes, yes I’d love to! Of course I would!”

She looks relieved, brushing some hair out of her face.

“It’s really last minute so it’s going to be a lot of work to put together.”

“That’s fine, this is a really great opportunity. I would be crazy to turn it down.”

She smiles and reaches her hand out across the small table.

“Okay then, looks like we’re in business.”

Hanbin shakes her hand, smiling right back.

“Looks like.”

Hayi takes him to visit the studio a week after she gives him the news. It’s in one of the trendier parts of Seoul, Insadong, and as they walk the streets are lined with galleries and boutiques. Hayi’s is tucked in between a big gallery and an Italian restaurant, an eggshell white front with huge glass windows facing the street. The inside is white too, with honey colored wood floors and tall arched ceilings. Hanbin cranes his neck, spinning to take in the whole space. Hayi stands to the side and watches him silently.

“Wow, it’s really beautiful.”

And it is. Hanbin imagines the large empty walls filled with his paintings and can’t help but smile. Hayi interrupts his reverie,

“Have you thought about the theme for your exhibition?”

Hanbin nods, lets the white sear into the backs of his eyelids.

“Yeah, I think… New beginnings.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

After that lunch with Hayi Hanbin’s insanely busy. Whenever he’s not at work he’s at home painting or wandering around the streets looking for inspiration. He has some pieces he might be able to use already done but a majority will have to be new and it’s a daunting task. He doesn’t mind though, there’s something strangely cathartic about locking himself in his apartment, turning music on a little too loud, and just painting for hours. It’s not something he’s really done since he got back to Korea and it feels good.

Later that week Jinhwan organizes a dinner with the rest of the boys to celebrate his exhibition. Hanbin invites Hayi, telling her

“You’re the only reason there’s going to be a celebration. I think you deserve to be there. Anyways, I want you to meet my friends.”

She smiles and accepts.

Hanbin is a little worried that Hayi won’t get along with everyone at first, after all they aren’t always the best behaved but as it turns out there’s nothing to be worried about. Chanwoo’s immediately smitten, barely looking away from her the whole night much to everyone else’s delight and the rest of the guys take to her quickly. About halfway through the dinner Chanwoo asks innocently,

“So, are you two dating?”

Hanbin’s taking a sip of water and nearly snorts it out his nose.

“You mean me and Hayi? No way, we’re just friends. Plus, I’m pretty sure there’s a rule somewhere about not dating your boss.”

Everybody laughs and Hanbin misses the look of hurt that flashes across her face. It’s gone in a second and she retorts with a wink,

“You really think my standards are low enough to date him? I’m just using him for his art.”

Junhoe raises his eyebrows and lets out a whistle, elbowing Hanbin.

“Looks like she gives as good as she gets, huh.”

The rest of the night goes smoothly and Hanbin relaxes into it. As they’re leaving Chanwoo pulls him aside and shyly asks for Hayi’s number. Hanbin has to restrain a laugh at the earnest look in his eyes.

“Sorry, you have to be brave enough to ask her for it.”

Chanwoo glances at her, standing by the doorway, and swallows hard. At that Hanbin does laugh and pats Chanwoo gently on the shoulder.

“I’ll put in a few good words for you.”

It’s a sunny Wednesday afternoon and Hanbin is getting nowhere. He has an idea for a painting hanging around the edges of his mind but every time he tries to put it on paper it comes out looking wrong. What he really needs is a model, but everybody’s at work or busy and he sighs, frustrated, throwing his sketchbook on the floor a little petulantly. He sits for a while, tapping the tip of his pencil against his tabletop and wondering what to do when a loud thump echoes through his ceiling. His eyes drift upwards and an idea starts too bloom. Immediately he quashes it, telling himself it’s a terrible one that will lead to nothing good but it’s persistent and before Hanbin knows what he’s doing he’s picked up his sketchbook and made his way up the stairs to Jiwon’s apartment. He stands outside of Jiwon’s door for a long time, just mustering up the courage too knock. Eventually he tells himself he looks like a creep just standing here in the hallway and raps quickly on the door before he has time to think about it.

Jiwon opens the door a few seconds later and when he sees Hanbin he looks a little surprised.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Hanbin almost shyly holds up his pencil and pad of paper,

“Would it be alright if I sketched you?”

Jiwon’s surprise only deepens, and his brow furrows

“You want to?”

Hanbin just nods.

It’s strangely awkward, Hanbin used to force Jiwon to model for him all the time when they were together. He would always mess with Hanbin, making silly faces every time he thought Hanbin wasn’t looking or bursting into laughter at inopportune moments but now he’s strangely quiet and serious. Maybe because he’s afraid Hanbin will just walk out if he doesn’t cooperate.

Hanbin sits Jiwon down on his couch, starts to arrange his limbs. He tilts his head till it’s leaning back against the couch, fingers gentle on Jiwon’s cheeks and it feels strange to have his hands on Jiwon like this again.

He steps back, satisfied with his positioning and walks around the low coffee table in the center of the room and takes a seat across from the couch, turns to a fresh page  and starts to work. The afternoon sun trickles through the living room windows and makes Jiwon glow, illuminates the dust motes floating in the air around him like a hazy aura of gold. There’s something sensual about Jiwon, something almost ethereal, head tilted back to expose the length of his neck and eyes half closed and Hanbin’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of him.  

Hanbin starts to sketch. It’s a slow process, each line measured and careful. He starts with the face, giving special attention to the full curve of his lips, the sharp edges of his jaw and cheekbone, the crease of his chin. It’s an almost intimate feeling, to explore the angles of Jiwon’s face like this, to sketch the dip in his throat and the dark shadows under his clavicle.  It’s like learning an old lover’s body all over again, but at the same time it’s like learning somebody new.

When he finishes he sits back and looks over his work, it’s not as clean as his usual style, a little more sketchy and impressionistic. Even the angles of Jiwon’s cheeks are dulled under Hanbin’s pencil, features arranged in a peaceful expression that doesn’t suit his face. His eyes are still sharp and intense though, staring out at Hanbin from the paper.

That night Hanbin can’t sleep. He tosses and turns and kicks off his sheets but rest doesn’t come so he gives up.  He does what he always does when he can’t sleep or when something’s bothering him, he paints. Switches on the lights in the living room and pulls out the latest piece he’s been working on. Squeezes fresh paint onto his palette.  There’s something calming to brushstrokes against canvas, watching the paint mix and swirl.  And in a way people are a little like paint, Hanbin thinks. Everybody has an individual shade and maybe some are more similar then others but in the end each is uniquely different. Falling in love is like mixing paint, when two people touch each other like that their colors mix and change and create something new, sometimes beautiful and sometimes not but always different. And the thing about mixing paint is there is no way to undo it, like it or not once those paints touch the colors will never be the same again. He and Jiwon are intertwined, like it or not, and nothing will undo them. They are forever changed for better or worse by what they shared, the marks they left on each others souls are permanent.

They’re at the gallery, the exhibition’s almost a month away and Hanbin’s already spending too much time there. Hanbin’s standing in the middle of the room and he’s sitting to the side, sketchbook lying open on his lap. Hayi’s saying something but he’s only half paying attention, flipping idly through the notepad. He turns the page to reveal the sketch of Jiwon he did the other day and his hand stills.

“Okay, I have the light designer coming in on Wednesday next week so you should start thinking about lighti- hey, are you even listening to me right now?”

Hanbin glances up, Hayi’s glaring at him with her hands on her hips and a slight purse to her lips.

“Yeah, sorry, just spaced out a little.”

She sighs and shakes her head in an exasperated gesture before launching back into what she was saying. Hanbin tries to pay attention but his eyes sink back down to Jiwon’s face, Jiwon’s body, and it’s a lost cause. He doesn’t know how long he drifts but he’s brought back to earth by the sound of Hayi’s voice over his shoulder.

“Who’s that?”

 He starts, slamming the sketchbook shut and spins to face her stammering out a reply.

“He’s no one. Just-just a friend.”

Hayi raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms.

“He’s very handsome.”

Hanbin doesn’t reply, just nods, hoping they can get off this subject soon. For some reason he doesn’t really understand he feels uncomfortable telling Hayi about Jiwon. Maybe it’s because she’s one of the few people in his life who didn’t know him while they were together, doesn’t look at him and see him defined by Jiwon.  She’s doesn’t let it go though, like a terrier she sinks her teeth in and shakes.

“Is he the old friend you were meeting up with?”

“Yes.”

His tone is tight and clearly doesn’t invite any more conversation and so she finally drops it, but she clearly isn’t happy with his answers. The rest of the session is unproductive, Hayi’s snippy and terse and if Hanbin didn’t know better he’d say she was annoyed with him. They call it quits early and they both go home unsatisfied. That night Hanbin tosses, trying to think of what he could have done to bother her and comes up with nothing. The next day he brings her her favorite drink from work and she takes it with a smile, and just like that Hanbin is forgiven.

Hanbin has the day off work and he’s lying on his couch staring idly at nothing. The weather is dark and cold, the smell of snow is in the air and the outside world is generally uninviting. He just finished one of his paintings for the exhibitions and doesn’t have the energy or inspiration to start another just yet. He’s not so much suffering from artist’s block as he is painfully bored, and his thoughts wander to Jiwon. Rolling over he pulls his phone off the charger and, a little uncertainly, sends him a text.

_Would you mind if I came over again? Feel a little uninspired._

His phone buzzes less then a minute later. It’s from Jiwon, of course.

_Of course not, come on up._

It feels different this time, there’s something heavy in the air as Jiwon opens the door to let him in. He follows him in, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.  The apartment looks cleaner then the previous times Hanbin’s seem it, there aren’t as many dishes piled in the sink and things are at least shoved in cabinets and under tables instead of lying out on the floor.

“So, how do you want me this time.”

Hanbin shrugs, he doesn’t have a specific image in mind this time, just wants a reference point for something.

“Just do whatever you’d normally be doing right now. Just kinda ignore me.”

Jiwon smiles, almost a little flirty,

“Alright, I’ll try my best.”

Hanbin feels the back of his neck heat and busies himself with pulling his sketchbook out of his bag and sharpening a pencil. When he looks up Jiwon’s on the couch, head bent over a notebook and pencil in hand writing. He doesn’t speak, just settles quietly back into an overstuffed armchair and starts to sketch. They sit like that for while, each on their own world. It starts to rain and the apartment is filled with the sound of raindrops, the light scratching of pencil on paper. It’s peaceful and soft and gentle, and Hanbin remembers how many evenings they had spent like this alone but together at all once. The thought aches somewhere deep inside him and he unconsciously presses the tip of his pencil harder against the paper. It snaps and the harsh sound startles him out of his reverie. It takes him a little while to settle back into his rhythm and even when he does he still feels a little off, a little stiff. He’s working on a particularly difficult curl on the back of Jiwon’s neck when he glances up to get a better look and freezes. Jiwon’s bent over his notepad, one leg tucked under him and back curved in a perfectly smooth arch. He’s clasping the end of his pencil in his teeth, eye brows pulled together in confusion or concentration. He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt and Hanbin can see each ridge and dip of his spine through the thin material. Suddenly it’s too much, Jiwon’s too much and Hanbin needs to get away. He stands up abruptly, sketchpad tumbling to the floor. Jiwon looks up, pencil falling from in between his lips and eyebrows raised.

“Everything okay?”

Hanbin nods,

“Yeah, just need some water.”

He turns away from Jiwon’s searching eyes and heads to the kitchen, pulling a glass from the shelf and filling it with water from the tap. He drains it in one gulp, sets the cup down and wipes at his mouth but he still feels hot and unsettled. He turns to head back to the living room and comes face to face with Jiwon. He’s standing close, maybe a foot away and Hanbin wonders how he missed him coming over. His eyes are hooded and heavy, dark and hungry and they scare Hanbin a little. He takes a small step back, just to put some space in between them but Jiwon just takes a step forward. Step after step Hanbin moves away and Jiwon follows until Hanbin stumbles, back against the wall and suddenly there’s nowhere left to go.

 “Look at you.”

Jiwon breathes, voice husky and low. He’s close enough that Hanbin can feel his breath on his cheek, feel the warmth from his body on his skin and it makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up straight. Jiwon’s staring straight into his eyes and Hanbin can’t look away.

“You’re fucking art Hanbin, can’t you see it?”

He swallows hard. They stay like that, frozen, but they’re straining towards each other like magnets that never quite touch.

Suddenly Hanbin’s phone rings, cutting through the tension like a razor and Jiwon pulls back in surprise. Hanbin lets out the breath he was holding and pushes hurriedly past Jiwon, head down not making eye contact.

“Sorry, I have to take this.”

Then he pretty much runs out of the apartment, not looking back. The phone call turns out to be spam, some robotic female voice telling him he’s won a free trip to Japan and he hangs up. When he gets back the safety of his apartment he walks out to his small balcony and stands for a long time, letting the rain soak into his hair and clothes till he’s shivering and his fingers are red from the cold and even then he still feels like he’s burning. Feels like Jiwon’s a fever inside his bones.

He feels like they’re hurtling towards something, he and Jiwon, something he’s not sure he’s ready for. And he knows now that he stills wants Jiwon, wants him so bad it hurts sometimes. He just doesn’t know if that’s enough.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

It’s the day after Jiwon cornered Hanbin in his kitchen and Hanbin’s heart rate still spikes when he thinks about the look in Jiwon’s eyes. It’s late, maybe one or so and he and Hayi are both still in the gallery. The lights are off and the moon casts long cold shadows across the arcing ceilings of the room. They perch on the ledge of the glass studio front, it’s just long enough that the two can sit, face to face, backs against the walls of the window seat with their legs comfortably intertwined as they pick at the remains of a late night snack. Hanbin lets his head fall back against the white plaster and watches the empty street outside. Hayi breaks the silence.

“I think there’s somebody I’m in love with.”

Hanbin looks over and raises an eyebrow at her.

“Oh really, the ice queen has finally fallen?”

Hayi glares at him and kicks his leg sharply, the movement unbalances him and he almost falls to the floor before he catches himself.

“Don’t be a jerk Hanbin, I’m baring my soul to you here.”

Hanbin schools his face to an appropriate level of seriousness and sits up straight.

“I’m very sorry, do you want to tell me about this guy?”

She smiles and looks almost bashful, an expression he’s never seen on her face before.

“He’s a painter, a good one. He’s funny and sweet and passionate, he really puts his whole self into everything he does. He’s almost perfect, actually.”

As she speaks her face gentles, sharp features softening into an almost wistful look. It’s the way Jinhwan looks when he talks about Yunhyeong, it’s how all Junhoe’s sarcasm and irony melts when he’s with Soohyun, it’s the way Jiwon used to look at him.

“You really love him, don’t you.”

Hayi nods, no hesitation on her face.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No… And I’m not sure I ever will.”

She looks away, and her face is a little sad. Hayi is always so confident, so sure of herself and now with the shadows cast across her face she looks doubtful for the first time. He reaches across the distance between them and cups her cheeks in his palms, gently turning her face towards him.

“Hayi, he would be crazy to turn you down. You’re smart and dedicated and kind, not to mention successful, you could get any guy you wanted. Trust me on this one.”

She looks at him, moon reflecting in her eyes and whispers,

“Anyone.”

Hanbin nods

“Anyone.”

And then he flicks her gently on the nose, she pulls back indignantly with a little shocked noise. He smirks at her, leaning back against the wall.

“Payback.”

She huffs and crosses her arms and looks away but she can’t hide the slight curve of her lips.

“So how did you meet Mr. Amazing?”

She doesn’t look at him and her voice is soft when she speaks.

“Actually, he’s somebody I’m working with right now on an exhibition.”

Hanbin gasps in false shock and places a hand on his heart

“You’re working with someone other then me? You wound me, I thought we had something special here.”

She still doesn’t look at him, he can just barely make out her reflection in the polished glass of the window.

“I’m not”

Confused, he asks

“You’re not what?”

But before she can answer the realization hits him and it hits with all the force of a speeding train. His hand falls and all the humor drains from his face. “Oh shit.” Hayi turns to him and her face is a little desperate, a little wild.

“You said I could get any guy, Hanbin.”

“You can, believe me you can, just not….” His voice trails off as he watches her crumble. She looks down for a moment, hair falling like a curtain in front of her face. When she looks up again her eyes are glassy.

“Just not you?"

Hanbin nods and when he replies his voice is sad.

“Just not me.”

She laughs, and it’s a little wet.

“You know how I said he was almost perfect? He just has one problem. He’s in love with someone else, belongs to someone else.”

Hanbin laughs nervously

“What are you talking about? You know I’m single.”

Even when she’s crying Hayi can still glare like nobody else.

“Oh come on Hanbin, we both know that doesn’t mean you can’t be in love. I’ve seen your sketch book.”

Hanbin swears inwardly and writes a mental note to burn the damn thing. Hayi continues,

“I’ve seen the way you look at those drawings. The way you look when you think of him is the same as when you’re painting. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.”

At the end her voice breaks and she bows her head, her shoulders silently shaking. Hanbin’s heart breaks with hers, reaching over he pulls her into a hug and lets her fall apart on his shoulder. Her fingers twist into the fabric of his shirt and he gently rubs her back. He waits until the sobs have quieted a little and then says

“You know, this guy sounds like a bit of a ditzy artist type. I think you dodged a bullet here.”

He hears a muffled laugh against his shoulder and smiles. Hayi sits up, rubbing at her swollen eyes.

“Thank you, Hanbin. And I’m sorry for all this.”

“Don’t be dumb, you have nothing to be sorry for."

Hanbin’s worried, after that night, that things will change between them. Part of it is selfish, but mostly it’s because he doesn’t want to lose Hayi as a friend. Not to this. And for the most part things don’t change, she doesn’t bring it up again and when they meet a few days later to work on the design of the gallery she’s all business and sharp quips as usual. It’s not the same, of course, Hanbin wouldn’t expect that. She doesn’t touch him anymore, keeps her distance whenever they’re together and sometimes she looks sad when she thinks he’s not looking and it breaks Hanbin’s heart but he can still make her smile when he tries. It’s not the same because heartbreak changes you and Hanbin’s no stranger to that, but he knows that heartbreak also heals, with time, and Hayi will heal too.

Hanbin gets home from work and throws his bag onto the floor, shedding his damp jacket and shoes before collapsing onto his couch. Despite the crappy weather it had been a busy day at work, a nearly constant stream of customers had started at the beginning of his shift and were still coming when Taehyun had arrived to relieve him and his feet ache. He lies there for a few minutes, savoring the feeling of doing absolutely nothing. Eventually though he pulls himself up, sighing a little as his body protests. He needs to work on some new ideas and looks around for his sketchbook, forehead creasing when it’s nowhere to be seen. He digs through his bag with no luck and sits back on his heels, trying to remember to remember the last time he’s seen it. Jiwon’s apartment flashes his mind, dark eyes and searching hands and the look on his Jiwon’s face and he swears, falling back against the couch. Of course, it has to be Jiwon’s apartment he’s left his sketch book in. They still haven’t talked since that moment in Jiwon’s kitchen, to awkward and to afraid too. Hanbin seriously considers just not going up but then he pulls himself together and forces himself to slip on his shoes and walk up the stairs.

He knocks on Jiwon’s door, biting the inside of his lip hard. It’s ridiculous to be this nervous but he can’t help it, can’t help but remember the look in Jiwon’s eyes, the way his body felt so close to his. There’s no response so he knocks again a little harder, Jiwon’s a bit of a heavy sleeper but there’s still nothing. He sighs, rubbing his forehead. This just keeps getting better and better. He waits for a few minutes to see if Jiwon will appear from somewhere but he remains obstinately missing. Just when he’s about to give up and go back to his place a though flashes through his head.

Hanbin can’t help but smile when he looks in the well of the lamp on the wall outside the apartment and finds their (Jiwon’s, he corrects himself) spare key still hidden in the same place it was a year ago. Some things never change.

Fishing the key out he lets himself in with a soft click and steps into the dark apartment. Reaching over he flicks on the light and looks around the room for his sketchbook. With a sigh he starts to carefully sift through the mess that covers nearly every surface in Jiwon’s apartment. He’s so focused he doesn’t even hear the door creak open, doesn’t hear the sound of heavy footsteps, doesn’t look up till he hears a raspy voice sharp and angry

“Who the fuck are you?”

He looks up to see a man framed in the small doorway, arms crossed and a distinctly unfriendly look on his face. He swallows, standing, and tries to ignore the feeling of unease in his stomach. The man is bigger and taller then him, and has this look to him. A look that’s a little rough, a little desperate, a little dangerous. Unconsciously he takes a step back, putting space between him and the intruder. 

“Who are you, how did you get in?”

The man doesn’t move, arms still crossed, eyes still staring at Hanbin.

“Shouldn’t leave the door unlocked you know, it’s a safety hazard. Now, since I asked first, answer my question.”

Hanbin shrugs

“I’m just… I’m just a friend of Jiwon’s.”

(the truth is he doesn’t really know what he is to Jiwon, or what Jiwon is to him)

The man turns around and shuts the door before moving towards Hanbin. Hanbin takes another step back.

“Okay, just a friend. You know where Kim is?”

Hanbin shakes his head, and feels his hands start to sweat.

“Well, I have a message for him. Since he’s not here right now I’ll give it to you instead. And y’know what? I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

And he’s starting towards towards him, around the side of the coffee table and suddenly Hanbin needs to run but there’s nowhere to go. His brain goes to overdrive and he’s calculating seconds, how long it would take to pull his phone out of his pocket and dial 1-1-9, how long it would take to get to the bathroom and lock the door, but then the seconds run out and there’s a fist driving into his cheekbone like a hammer and seconds slip from his mind, all he can think about is the pain blossoming through his face. He tries to fight back, tries to throw a punch of his own but the guy probably has five inches and 30 pounds on him and Hanbin’s always been an artist not a fighter.

Next thing he knows he’s on the floor, cheek pressed against cool wood. It’s not like Hanbin’s never been punched before. There had been the occasional bully in middle school who’d find him after class and pin him up against the concrete because he liked to draw pictures instead of play kickball, he’d roughhoused with his friends in high school, once he even got into a bar fight to his never ending humiliation and Junhoe’s glee. So yes, he’s been in fights but he’s never experienced this impersonal detached administration of pain. There’s no emotion, no alcohol induced courage, no personality behind this beating. This is just a job and Hanbin was unfortunate enough to be the task of the day. And Hanbin knows he’s not going to die, but the logical voice telling him that is being pushed aside by the larger part of his brain saying that he is going to die with some random assholes foot buried three inches too deep in his gut (tells him he’s going to die for a man he barely even knows anymore). After what feels like hours but is probably only a minute or two the man draws back, and from his position lying on the floor Hanbin can vaguely see him wiping blood (his blood) off of his knuckles. The image is strangely amusing, and Hanbin has to stifle a slightly hysterical giggle at the sight. He crouches down next to Hanbin, and his voice is low and dangerous

“Tell Kim to get me what he owes, or next time it’ll be him I’m putting in the hospital.”

And with that he stands and leaves Hanbin alone with the slam of a door. He lies on the floor for a while. Forcing air in and out of his bruised lungs and waiting for the aching of his face and ribs to recede a little. After a few minutes he turns his head and sees his sketchbook, kicked back under the coffee table. He isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. When he finally feels ready he pushes himself carefully to his feet, wincing as bruises stretch and bones pop. He feels a little fuzzy, the world sounds like he’s hearing it through cotton balls and he wonders vaguely if he’s concussed. Reaching up he rubs his hand across his face and when he pulls his fingers away the tips are smeared red. Fumbling in his pocket he pulls out his phone and dials Jinhwan’s number and tries not cry. Because things had been going so well, so goddamn well and now everything's changed, the ground's shifted under Hanbin's feet and he doesn't know where he's standing anymore.


	16. Chapter 16

He’s sitting on the couch with his head in his hands when Jinhwan throws the door open. He glances up and Jinhwan looks shocked when he sees the full damage He can only imagine what he looks like. One of his eyes is already starting to swell and he can feel blood drying on his lip and nose, taste blood on the inside of his lip. Jinhwan rushes over to Hanbin, drops into the crouch next to him, fingers exploring the bruises on Hanbin’s face. His breath hisses out through his teeth, short and sharp. His eyes are angry, and the normally soft features of his face are hard and tense.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Hanbin’s not sure how to feel at that, because he’s angry yes, but he’s also scared. Scared because up until now he’d been able to ignore Jiwon’s problem, able to shove it aside and not think about it but now he’s been forced face to face with the darker parts of Jiwon’s life. So he’s scared for himself, but also for Jiwon.  He chooses to respond with silence. Jinhwan sighs, anger spilling out of him in tight tense waves and pushes himself to his feet.

“I’ll be right back.”

He disappears into the kitchen and there’s the sound of the fridge door opening and closing. When he reappears he’s holding an ice pack wrapped in a tea towel. He presses it up against the worst bruising on Hanbin’s face.

“You should get checked out.”

Hanbin just shakes his head and sighs, reaching up to press the pack against his face and Jinhwan’s hand falls away.

“I’m fine, just achey. I’ll pop a few advil and sleep it off.”

Jinhwan shakes his head, standing again.

“It’s not a choice Hanbin, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

And from the set of his mouth Hanbin knows there’s no way he’s winning this argument. They don’t talk on the drive to the hospital, Jinhwan’s anger doesn’t show on his face anymore but his fingers are gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles go white.

The doctor’s diagnosis is what Hanbin expected, ice the worst of the bruises and then get some rest. After the examination he leaves Hanbin alone in the small room to get dressed, excusing himself to see another patient.

Hanbin’s just pulling on his shirt when he hears a noise as the door opens. Thinking it must be Jinhwan coming to take him home he turns with a smile on his face and an 'I told you so' on his lips but when he looks it’s Jiwon standing in front of him not Jinhwan. The smile drops from his face, replaced by shock words dying in his throat. Jiwon stares at him, eyes tracing across the bruises, and Hanbin isn’t normally self conscious but the way Jiwon’s looking at him makes him feel naked, he steps back, legs bumping into the edge of the hospital bed. Jiwon raises his hand, looking like he wants to reach out and touch the purple-blue marks, and it stays, stuttering in the air in the air between them like a bird with broken wings before it falls back to his side. Jiwon breathes a single word, low and quiet and yet it rings against the walls of the cramped space all at the same time

“Fuck”

Hanbin laughs, and if it’s a little bitter he pretends not to notice.

“Do I really look that bad, Jiwon?”

Jiwon looks at him a little surprised.

“No, I mean yes- Shit…”

He trails off and his stare is so intense it makes Hanbin uncomfortable, so he busies himself with smoothing the sheets on the bed.

“I’m so sorry Hanbin, this is all my fault. My…my dealer… I was late on paying him. I never thought this would happen.”

Hanbin sighs.

“Yeah I’m not going lie this was your fault. But don’t try and take all the blame, the asshole who did this also gets to take some credit.”

His lips stretch as he speaks and he winces as a scab on his bottom lip pulls open. He reaches up to wipe at it but Jiwon is faster. He reaches out again and this time he lets his thumb trace a line along the curve of Hanbin’s mouth, coming to a stop at the bleeding cut. It rests so gently against his lip he can barely feel if it’s there, but the rest of Jiwon fingers are firm against the bottom of his chin. When Hanbin inhales he can feel the scrape of Jiwon’s nail against his teeth. They stand there as the world continues on around them, like statues in frozen in time they stare. And for a little while Hanbin let’s himself sink into Jiwon’s achingly familiar touch, but then he thinks about why he’s in this hospital in the first place. Thinks about little white pills in orange plastic bottles, and remembers Jiwon’s shoulders in that doorway a year ago, remembers how he didn’t say I love you back and then he turns his face, just a little, just enough and Jiwon’s fingers fall away, thumb red with Hanbin’s blood (he feels their touch burned into his skin)

“I’m sorry”

he whispers and he’s surprised at how rough his voice is

 “I just can’t do this right now. It’s too soon, I’m not ready to start over yet.”

 Jiwon looks at him and his eyes are glassy with tears

“will you ever be?”

And in that moment Hanbin wishes more then anything that he could lie, but he can’t, not to Jiwon, he owes him that much so he looks him in the eye and tells him the truth.

“I don’t know.”

And then he grabs his jacket from the chair and leaves so Jiwon can’t see the tears that are in his eyes too. Jiwon’s voice stops him in the doorway though.

“I really am so sorry, you have to believe me. I never meant for… for my problems to hurt you Hanbin.”

Hanbin turns, and he’s telling himself to just walk away but something keeps him there in the little hospital room with Jiwon and the guilt in his eyes.

“I know you didn’t, but it did. And you know what? It’s hurt a lot of people before me. All of our friends are worried about you, it hurts them to see you do this to yourself.”

The words he doesn’t say are _it hurts me_ but Jiwon’s always been good at reading between the lines _._ Jiwon turns to him again, and he always tries so hard to look tough but in this moment he looks like a lost child, eyes wide and vulnerable and it breaks Hanbin’s heart a little.

 “Listen, I know I don’t have any right to tell you this. We’re not together anymore, and I don’t even know if we’re friends but I’m going to tell you anyways, because it’s what you do… it’s what you do for people you love. Stop this. Stop this now before it’s to late. Before something happens you can’t take back. If you can’t… if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.”

Hanbin doesn’t know what he expects really, maybe more apologies, maybe anger, some display of emotion at least _._  What he gets is silence. Jiwon looks to the floor, not meeting Hanbin’s eyes shoulders slumped and narrow. Hanbin feels his jaw tighten. He’s not really surprised, just disappointed and hurt and tired, so tired. He nods once, short and sharp.

“Alright. I understand.”

And then he brushes past Jiwon and out of the room. He hesitates, just for a moment, outside of the door. Waiting for what he’s not really sure, for Jiwon to come running after him maybe, for something. Nothing happens though and he shakes his head at his own blind hope and bites down hard on his lip.

Jinhwan drops him off at his apartment, still concerned but less angry.

“Do you want me to stay for a little while? I had a date with Yunhyeong but I can cancel if you need me to stick around.”

Hanbin shakes his head and smiles, careful not to stretch the scab on his lip.

“No it’s fine, I’d rather be alone actually.”

Jinhwan nods slowly, face still pinched and worried. He’s slow to leave, making another icepack first and forcing Hanbin to down two advil under his supervision. Eventually though there’s nothing left for him to busy himself with though, and he’s forced to go. Hanbin waves goodbye from the couch, Jinhwan lingers in the doorway.

“If you need anything just text me alright?”

Hanbin nods. Jinhwan finally leaves after making Hanbin promise to get some rest. He doesn’t sleep though, just sits on the couch where Jinhwan left him and stares at nothing. There’s an ache reverberating inside him that’s deeper then the bruises on his face or the cut on his lips and it won’t stop. He’s thinking, thinking to much about Jiwon’s laugh, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way his forehead creases when he’s concentrating and it overlaps with the look on his face in that hospital examination room and it’s too much all at once.

There’s a bottle of vodka sitting in the cupboard, a housewarming gift from Junhoe, and he takes it out, unscrews the lid and throws in on the counter. It spins, rattling loudly against the plastic surfacing and Hanbin watches it until it stills. He stands there for a long time, open bottle in his hand. Stands there till the thoughts of Jiwon’s touch, Jiwon’s smell, become too much and then he takes a swig, not bothering with a cup. After that it’s like fighting a losing battle, one Hanbin isn’t sure he wants to win. He ends up lying on the floor, fingers wrapped loosely around the neck of the bottle. He stares at the ceiling like his eyes can see through the timber and plywood and plaster to Jiwon. He wonders what he’s doing right now. Sleeping maybe, or sitting awake on his couch. Or maybe he’s as drunk as Hanbin is right now, maybe he’s high enough to forget the guilt. And Hanbin knows he shouldn’t want him, especially not after this, but he does.

Because the truth is Jiwon’s love is like diamonds, and Hanbin is the fool who will dig for them as long as he lives, even when his bones are weary and his hands are stiff and cold. Jiwon’s love is like diamonds, cold and hard and beautiful, just like him (full of sharp edges and shimmering lines) and Hanbin can’t help but want what he can’t have. And he’s drunk and lonely and the love and the lust are getting all mixed up inside him like smoke and misery and he never knew love could cut until he loved Jiwon.

He remembers reading once in a book of fairytales that if you bleed for something you’ll always get it in the end. He’s bled for Jiwon. His blood stains the hardwood floor of the home they used to share, splatters across all the empty places inside him Jiwon used to roam, he can taste it on the inside of his lip sharp and metallic and salty. So he’s bled plenty and Jiwon never seems to feel any closer. But he’ll bleed for him anyways till he has no blood left to give and he’s an empty shell of skin and bones and memories. And maybe in the end that’s the real reason he left, because he was terrified of what he was willing to give. Maybe that’s why he left. And maybe that’s why he came back.

Lying on the ground with scratchy carpet pressed into the bruises on his cheek and the cool glass neck of the bottle in his hand he makes a decision. He stands then, pushes himself blearily to his feet half empty bottle abandoned on his carpet. He makes his way out the door and up the stairs and then he’s standing outside of Jiwon’s door. He knocks heavily once, twice and waits, world spinning around his head. When Jiwon opens the door he’s just wearing a pair of boxers and tousled hair, but he doesn’t look he’s been sleeping. There’s none of the after-sleep haze Hanbin knows so well in his eyes, instead there’s something else, a fever, a fire. His voice is rough and husky when he speaks and it sends shivers down Hanbin’s spine.

“Is everything alright?”

And everything isn’t alright, everything’s far from alright. Hanbin’s standing drunk at one in the morning in front of Jiwon’s door and it’s not okay, but he’s here. He doesn’t reply, at first, just hands Jiwon a flyer with a date and address on it. Jiwon looks down at it, face confused.

“What’s this?”

“Your last chance. Be there, please. For both of us.”

He doesn’t give Jiwon a chance to respond, just turns and walks away. He looks back, just before he enters the stairwell. Jiwon’s still standing in his doorway, head bowed and both hands clutching the sheet of paper like it offers salvation.

The next day when Hanbin goes out to check his mail his sketchbooks been left in front of his door. When he grabs it a little piece of paper slips from between the folds like an autumn leaf and falls spiraling to the floor. He bends over and picks it up with trembling hands. There’s just two words printed in a hand writing Hanbin would recognize anywhere.

_I promise._


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Jinhwan calls him in the early afternoon to check in, Hanbin doesn’t mention his late night visit to Jiwon’s the previous night because he still hasn’t decided if it was a mistake or not. He assures Jinhwan he’s fine and that he doesn’t need to come over to, and Jinhwan barely seems convinced.

“Have you thought about making a report?”

Hanbin hadn’t. In fact, it hadn’t even crossed his mind in the aftermath, to busy thinking about other things to worry about the cops.

“No… I don’t think I’m going to…”

“Are you sure? They might be able to catch the guy who did it.”

Hanbin sighs,

“Maybe, but if I made a report they’d probably ask why a drug dealer was breaking into Jiwon’s apartment. I don’t…I don’t want to get him into anymore trouble then he’s already in.”

The bruising on his face starts to go down after a couple of days, the blues and purples fading to a sickly yellow-green. It’s not that bad, when he examines his face in a mirror, not terribly noticeable if you don’t know what you’re looking for. It still hurts a little when he smiles and his ribs ache but he’s feeling better. When he goes into work though his co workers crowds around with concerned exclamations. He waves them off with a smile, tells them he’s fine (and he is, he really is) but they still shoot him little worried glances throughout the shift and Taehyun makes him go home early. Suenghoon slips a piece of cake into his hand as he leaves with a soft smile and a pat on the shoulder.

When he meets with Hayi about catering for the opening day she gasps, eyes wide and saucer like, fingers immediately going to the darkest bruise still visible on his cheekbone.

“What the hell Hanbin! Are you okay?”

Hanbin smiles tiredly.

“I’m fine. You should see the other guy.”

Her eyes get wider if it’s possible,

“Does he look worse then you do?”

“No, actually he’s completely fine. I didn’t land a single punch.”

She of course asks what happened and Hanbin tells her what he’s been telling everybody, that he got mugged walking to the bus on his way home from work. It’s much easier then saying that he got beat up by his ex-boyfriend’s (who he’s still in love with) drug dealer after he pretty much broke into said ex-boyfriend’s apartment to retrieve a sketchbook which he’d abandoned there after a moment of extreme sexual tension. That’s hard to explain to himself, let alone to someone else. Hayi seems to accept his answer. As they’re leaving she nudges him,

“I’m glad you’re alright. Anyways, I think the bruises make you look manly.”

Hanbin can’t help but laugh at that, even if it does hurt a little to do it.

He gets coffee with Jinhwan a few days later. It’s freezing outside and Hanbin’s fingers and nose are red by the time he reaches the coffee shop, breath forming clouds in the air. They sit in the corner of the small café and share a pastry.

“Have you seen Jiwon since-since that day?”

Hanbin nods once, stabbing his half of the pastry with his fork.

“Once. I invited him to the opening of my exhibition.”

Hanbin doesn’t mention that he was very drunk when he did. Jinhwan’s eyebrows rise in surprise as he takes a bite.

“Really?”

Hanbin nods again, and by now he’s torn his scone to nothing but crumbs.

“Do you think I shouldn’t have?”

Jinhwan shakes his head,

“No, no. I’m just kind of surprised you did to be honest. I thought… I thought after that whole thing you would be done.”

“I thought I would be too. I was angry with him, and myself a little too. I just thought about giving up now and it seemed… wrong… I guess. I gave him one more chance. I just… don’t want to give up on this. Not yet.”

Hanbin heaves a deep sigh, and rubs at his forehead trying to massage away a headache that’s forming.

“I don’t know. Maybe that’s stupid…”

Jinhwan looks at him and smiles a smile that’s half gentle, half sad.

“I don’t think that makes you stupid, Hanbin, I think that just makes you in love.”

Hanbin replies, feeling something desperate welling up inside him.

“Some days I feel like those might be the same thing.”

The date of his exhibition draws closer and closer and Hanbin manages to make himself so busy he doesn’t have time to think about Jiwon. Doesn’t have time to think about how he doesn’t stop by Hanbin’s work anymore, how he hasn’t seen him since he drunkenly knocked on his door that night. It’s surprisingly easy, during the day at least. There’s work and more and more meetings with Hayi, or time spent at the studio and when there’s nothing else he paints. At night though, it’s harder. When he’s lying alone in bed in his dark bedroom it’s harder not to think about Jiwon lying right above him and sleep seems to evade him. More often then not he gives up and rolls out of bed, switching on the lights and grabbing his sketchbook.

One morning he’s brushing his teeth and really looks at himself. He looks tired, there are heavy dark smudges under his eyes and his face is narrower then he remembers. He wonders how Jiwon’s doing. Wonders if he has trouble sleeping too, wonders if he thinks about Hanbin too much. He hopes he doesn’t ( _he hopes he does)_.

It’s a week and a half before the exhibition and Hanbin’s lying on his couch, half asleep. He’s supposed to be working on a speech for the opening but he’s been writing and rewriting the same sentence for the last 45 minutes and so the speech lays abandoned on his kitchen table. There’s a loud rap on his door that startles him out of his daze and he slowly sits up, rubbing at his eyes. Wandering over to the door he opens it, yawning, to reveal Junhoe who pushes past him into the apartment without waiting for a greeting. Hanbin rolls his eyes and shuts the door, turning to Junhoe.

“What are you doing here? It’s like 8:30, shouldn’t you be at home or something?”

Junhoe just gives him a cool stare.

“I’m here to pick you up, we’re going out.”

Hanbin stares back, confused.

“What? I can’t go out, I’m really busy right now.”

Junhoe raises an eyebrow at him.

“Busy doing what? Taking a nap?”

Hanbin gives Junhoe a little glare, and corrects him

“I wasn’t napping! Just…resting my eyes, alright.”

Junhoe smirks,

“Alright, sure. Doesn’t matter. You look like crap Hanbin and I’m going to take you out, get you very drunk, and make you talk about your feelings.”

As he says this he pulls Hanbin’s jacket off the back of the couch where he’d thrown it after he got home from work and shoves it into his hands and then tosses a pair of shoes at him. Hanbin sighs and starts to shrug on his coat. Junhoe’s nothing if not determined, and to be honest a night out sounds nice. Plus, he really fucking hates writing speeches. By the times he’s laced up his shoes Junhoe’s located his keys and presses them into his hand before pretty much shoving him out the door.

They don’t go too Woodstock, instead they go to a club Junhoe likes in Hongdae. It’s different, busier and brighter, the music pounds so loud it’s hard to hear what Junhoe’s saying even though they’re sitting right next to each other, hard to hear himself think. It’s exactly what he needs. Junhoe does good on his promise and soon Hanbin is plastered. At first it’s lighthearted and funny and Hanbin laughs and laughs and doesn’t think about Jiwon, or the exhibition next week, or all the work he still needs to do. After one shot of tequila past too many Hanbin pulls Junhoe up out of his seat and drags him onto the dance floor and they dance till they’re sweaty and their feet hurt and the music echoes heavy in their chests. Hanbin closes his eyes and the lights of the club flash bright against the backs of his eyelids and for the first time in a long time he thinks of nothing, just moves with sound of the DJ. A few people slide up to him, let their hands fall against his waist and start to move with him but he gently brushes them all off with an apologetic smile. If there’s one thing that he’s realized it’s that you can’t fuck away the loneliness, he’s learned not even to try.

Later, as they walk back to the subway together the mood changes though, not sad necessarily, just quiet and contemplative. Hanbin let’s his head dangle loosely back on his neck and looks at the sky. It’s a clear night and he can see the stars despite the light pollution of Seoul.

“What is love, to you?”

Hanbin asks. Junhoe gives him a raised eyebrow.

“Wow, getting deep are we?”

Hanbin just shoves him lightly with his shoulder and tells him to answer the question. Junhoe is silent for a long time.

“Love is just finding your best friend, I think. Love is finding home.”

“Is that what Soo-hyun is too you?”

Hanbin looks over at Junhoe when he replies, he’s still staring up unaware Hanbin’s watching him and he’s smiling more gently then Hanbin’s ever seen on him before.

“Yeah, yeah I think so.”

After a few minutes Junhoe nudges him.

“Come on, you have to answer too.”

Hanbin looks over, confused.

“Answer what?”

“Your own question, idiot. What is love to you?”

Hanbin thinks about that. Love is a lot of things, to him. Love is sunny days by the river, love is double shot lattes with caramel drizzle, love is dark messy hair and notebooks full of scribbled lyrics. It’s two shades of paint mixing into one, it’s the taste of blood on his tongue, it’s a framed picture sitting on his bedside table that he doesn’t bring with him.

“I think love is just trust, at the end of day. Love is knowing that somebody can hurt you and not caring.”

It’s a lie, though, and Hanbin damns himself when he opens his mouth. Because love isn’t trust, at least not to him. He knows what love is. It’s Jiwon.

It’s the opening day of his exhibition and Hanbin’s never been more nervous in his life. There’s so much riding on today and Hanbin alternates between frenetic energy and a sick feeling in his stomach. Jinhwan forced him to borrow a pair of dress pants and a jacket for the event saying,

“Hanbin I swear to god if you wear jeans to your own goddamn exhibition I will never forgive you.”

He tucks a white button down shirt into the uncomfortable slacks and stares at himself in the mirror. The bruises are gone thankfully, leaving behind nothing but heavy bags under his eyes. He looks different, somehow, in a way he isn’t able to pinpoint and he feels strange in the business like attire (he still wears his pair of beat up old converse though, a little rebellion that makes him feel more like himself). Shaking the feeling off he throws a few last minute things into his backpack and sets off for the studio. It’s early, and the subway is filled with bleary eyed commuters on their way to work. He’s not tired though, instead he can almost feel himself humming with nervous energy. He’s on the cusp of something, something big and important and life changing, teetering on the edge of a knife and he can feel it. Everything looks a little different, sharper and brighter and clearer and he takes a deep breathe of frigid air as he walks down the street to the studio. When he gets there the lights are on and Hayi’s already bustling around the studio. She’s dressed casually in jeans and an oversized sweater but a dry cleaning bag hangs on the handle of the door to the backroom. She smiles at him when he walks through the door, pushing a lock of hair out of her face.

“So, you feel ready?”

Hanbin takes a deep breath and shakes his head,

“No, not at all.”

She laughs, eyes crinkled shut.

“Good, I’d be worried if you did.”

The hours pass in a blur. There’s catering to be taken care of, setting up a table for the drinks and appetizers. Then last minute light adjustments, making sure every painting is hung straight and a million other tiny things. Before he knows it it’s less then an hour till the exhibition starts. He feels his guts knot and tense. At one point Hayi disappears into the back to change and Hanbin drops onto the floor by the window, holding his hands so tight the knuckles go white and resting his head against his arms and tries to keep his breathing even. The click of a door makes him look up. Hayi’s standing, framed by the open door in a short but classy black dress and an elegant pair of heels, hair flowing free down her back. Hanbin smiles at her,

“You look beautiful.”

She takes one look at him, pale and nervous, walks over to him and drops to the floor beside him, ignoring the dust attaching itself to her dress.

“Still nervous?”

Hanbin nods silently.

“Hanbin, do you love what you do? Do you love what you created here?”

Hanbin looks at her, a little shocked she even has to ask that question.

“I do. Of course I do. More then anything else.”

“I can see that. And so will everybody else. You look at this exhibition and what you see is love. That matters more then anything else, and it’ll make them love you. So don’t worry, I promise.”

She reaches over and carefully pulls his frozen hands apart, laces her fingers with his. Hanbin lets her, feels her head fall gently against his shoulder. They sit on the floor like that for a long time, holding hands and staring at what they created. Eventually Hanbin speaks, and his breath makes strands of her hair flutter.

“Hayi?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

He can feel her smile against his shoulder. 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Hayi’s words do a lot to alleviate his fear. He’s still nervous, still feels butterflies flutter in his stomach but they’re butterflies he can manage and when the doors finally open Hanbin feels a calm settle over him. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong are the first of his friends to show up and they greet Hayi again warmly. Jinhwan hugs Hanbin tightly with watery eyes and whispers in his ear.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Next is Junhoe with Soo-hyun smiling and pretty on his arm and Chanwoo shows up shortly after with a little bouquet of flowers which he gives to Hayi. Hanbin has to press a hand to his mouth to keep from laughing out loud and Junhoe doesn’t even try to hide his laughter. She thanks him politely if a little awkwardly, but when she turns to find a vase Hanbin can see a little smile on her lips. He flashes Chanwoo a thumbs up. Donghyuk can’t make it but he sends a sweet text that makes Hanbin smile and promises to let Hanbin show him around later. Hayi invited friends as well and she introduces Hanbin to them and he smiles and shakes their hands and does his best to remember all their names. The small gallery starts to fill, Hayi’s invited a few journalists from smaller newspapers and blogs and a couple come over and ask Hanbin for comments. Hanbin even sees his senior year art history professor at one point and has a nice conversation with him. It’s a little surreal, Hanbin’s spent so long imagining this moment and now that it’s here it’s better then he could have ever dreamed. This is his first opportunity to show his work to the world not through a scholarship or university but standing on his own two feet as an artist, he’s made it in the real world.

It’s a success, there’s endless rounds of congratulations from friends and strangers alike. It’s a success, but Hanbin can’t help but feel something (someone) is missing. Through out the evening he furtively checks his phone, waiting for anything that would explain Jiwon’s absence. Nothing comes and Hanbin tries to push it to the back of his mind. Tries to tell himself it’s not important, that it doesn’t bother him, that he didn’t expect anything (but they’re all lies and Hanbin’s never been good at lying). He thinks about slipping away to call him but as he’s walking towards the door Hayi’s voice calls out his name,

“Hanbin! There’s somebody I’d love for you to meet.”  
  
And with a sigh he slips his phone back into his pocket, pastes on a smile, and turns back to Hayi. Jinhwan knows, he thinks. He’s the only one Hanbin told about inviting Jiwon and as the evening progresses he sees him casting Hanbin worried gentle looks but he shakes them off and smiles back as if to say _I’m fine._ Eventually as the dusky light outside fades to darkness and the gallery slowly empties Hanbin has to accept Jiwon isn’t going to show. It hurts sharp and bright in his chest to admit that.  He tries to brush it off by reminding himself of the blinding success the nights been but in his pockets his fingernails dig into his palms hard enough to draw blood.

Later, when everybody has left and the doors are closed Hayi pulls out a bottle of champagne. The pop of the cork echoes loudly in the empty studio and it rings in Hanbin’s ears long after the sound fades away. She pours two glasses, handing Hanbin one she raises hers,

“To the first of-many- successful exhibitions!”

Hanbin smiles, and gently clinks the rim of his glass against hers.

“I can get behind that.”

He takes a sip and the bubbles burn against the roof of his mouth. It’s good, not the cheap kind Hanbin’s used to but something fruity and light, the taste fades in his mouth and turns to ash though. Jiwon’s still not here.

Hanbin is the last to leave. Hayi looks at him with concern when he tells her to go, frowning and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I can finish closing up Hanbin, it’s fine. You should go home, or out, or somewhere that’s not here. Celebrate, you deserve it!”

He just shakes his head and smiles though.

“I don’t mind, seriously. You were here before me this morning anyways.”

Eventually she does leave, pulling on her jacket and scarf she walks out the door with a last lingering glance at Hanbin. He watches her go and tells himself he’s not waiting for Jiwon. It’s a lie, but it makes him feel a little better. He’s upset, he thinks, because even now Jiwon changes things with his absence. Today was a victory, it went without a hitch and Hanbin should be gloriously ecstatically happy and he is, but it’s tainted now because of Jiwon. Whenever Hanbin thinks of today he will remember that Jiwon did not come. And he knows that the note Jiwon wrote him was nothing but paper and ink, but it had meant something more to Hanbin even though he had tried not to let it. He had stupidly let himself hope that this would be different, today would be different, Jiwon would be different. But the truth is people are hard to change and Jiwon more then most and he should’ve known from the start that this was a lost cause. He had still hoped, though, and that just makes this moment more bitter. The worst part is that behind the anger and disappointment and hurt there’s fear, curled bitter and stifling in his throat. Fear because Hanbin’s running through a list of reasons in his head Jiwon could not be here and none of them are good. He calls and it just goes to voicemail, he doesn’t leave a message.

He’s just finishing up in the gallery when he hears the sound of someon knocking on the glass. He turns, startled, and standing there outside on the sidewalk is Jiwon. Open mouthed and gasping and so beautiful is Jiwon. He looks a little crazy, he’s just wearing a thin jacket and it’s unzipped and falling off his shoulders and his hair is wild and un-brushed. His face is white and pale and the tip of his nose and cheeks are red from cold. More then that though, there’s a look in his eyes, a look that’s just as wild as his hair. He taps on the glass again, mouthing something Hanbin can’t hear. For a second Hanbin’s frozen and they both just stand there, staring at each other in silence, one in and one out. Hanbin scans his face for anything, there’s no bruises or cuts, he looks fine. Jiwon taps on the glass again and the moment is broken. Once Hanbin’s done being afraid the anger sets in.

He’s furious, the kind of furious that settles in the hollow of your chest and burns cold and fast. He’s furious because he wanted so badly for this to work, because this is so like Jiwon, because he was actually stupid enough to believe that things could ever change. Because Jiwon had made a promise and he had let himself believe that that meant something. He slowly and deliberately turns away from Jiwon, finishing sweeping the floor he takes his time to put away the broom and dust his hands off. Then he shrugs on his jacket, switches the lights off and makes sure the security alarm is on. The whole time he feels like ice, cold and hard and unforgiving. Jiwon’s still tapping at the windows and Hanbin ignores him. Once he’s finished in the gallery he walks out the door, locks it behind him. As soon as he turns around Jiwon’s there, he can hear him now.

“Hanbin, I’m so sorry, you have to believe me, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-”

He doesn’t listen to the words, too angry (too hurt). Once he’s done locking the door he spins on his heel and starts down the street. He stalks away from Jiwon, ignoring him as he calls out his name. He thinks this time, this time he’s done. No second chances, no more tries. This is it. He doesn’t get far though before there’s a hand on his wrist swinging him around and Jiwon’s fingers feel like ice. The street is dark, the lines and angles of Jiwon’s face thrown into harsh relief by the fluorescent streetlights. Even in his fury Hanbin still think’s he’s beautiful and that just makes him angrier. There’s a desperation in Jiwon’s face, a hungry look and his fingers are tight enough on Hanbin’s wrist to hurt a little. He’s close now, and Hanbin can see every little detail on his face, see the sweat glistening on his forehead, see his breath clouding in front of him, see each individual eye lash. His eyes are staring right at Hanbin and there’s something off about them, something a little glassy and disconnected, the pupils a little wide. Hanbin feels his stomach drop,

“Are you fucking high right now?”

Jiwon doesn’t say anything, but’s his eyes flit away for a second and the guilt on his face is enough of an answer. Hanbin stumbles back a step. And it feels like he’s been punched in the chest, the air rushes out of his lungs. A deep aching pain rises, it feels like the time Hanbin fell off the monkey bars when he was a kid and got the wind knocked out of him, it feels like a snake curled in his chest, it feels like betrayal, and he struggles to take a breath.

“I can’t fucking believe you. After everything, after all the second chances.  You _promised_ me, Jiwon. You fucking promised you’d be here.”

He tears his arm away then, and the anger’s grown from his chest to his throat to his tongue and now he’s yelling. It’s ugly and small and even as he shouts Hanbin hates what he’s doing but he can’t stop because he’s tired, tired of hoping and hurting and tired of giving Jiwon second chances and tired of loving. Jiwon doesn’t say anything, just stands there and takes it with that desperate look and broken shoulders. He stands there for a while listening to Hanbin spew hurt and hate and words that burn his tongue like acid, eventually though something shifts in his face, the desperation changes to determination. Something changes and Hanbin feels it in the air.

 Jiwon grabs him by the shoulders hard enough to bruise and kisses him on the mouth under the street lights and stars, and at first Hanbin fights it. Fights it like he’s been fighting himself ever since the first time Jiwon opened the door to their apartment. Fights like this is a battle he can actually win. His hands reach to Jiwon’s chest, pushes him away hard and violent and Jiwon stumbles back. They stand there, close but far all at once under the lamplight. They’re both panting, breath coming short and sharp. Jiwon’s lips are swollen, hair ruffled and messy and the neck of his shirt is stretched too wide to reveal pale skin and sharp collar bones. He’s a mess, fucked up and wild and there’s something tragic about the lines of his face. He’s a mess, but Hanbin is too and standing there on an empty street Hanbin feels something in him break and he’s tired of fighting something he’s known inside all along. Something breaks and hands that pushed away pull close and he presses his lips hard against Jiwon’s. skin is cold like a marble statue’s and Hanbin feels like he’s burning up. Jiwon’s icy hands reach up to his face, thumbs pressing into the soft skin where Hanbin’s neck meets his jaw, nestled just beneath the bone and he can feel each of Jiwon’s fingertips like fire against his cheeks. Together they melt, together they disintegrate into something pure and whole and better and Hanbin doesn’t even mind that he’s falling apart.

They stumble back towards the studio door, Hanbin’s hand fumbling in his pocket for the key never breaking contact for a second. Their fingers run wild through hair and across skin. Jiwon’s hand snakes it’s way under the hem of Hanbin’s shirt and up his back to grip his neck and Hanbin bites down hard on his lip. For a second Hanbin presses Jiwon up against the glass of the front door and then the key turns and they’re falling forward into darkness. The way they kiss is rough and hard, there’s no love in it. Now is not the time for love, love will come in the morning, and every morning after it but right now is about lust and loneliness and wanting and all the days they’ve lost.

They fuck in the art gallery, and Jiwon leaves Hanbin breathless. It’s not perfect

And that’s the thing, nothing is perfect with Jiwon. It’s not perfect, but it’s real. Jiwon’s the realest thing Hanbin’s ever tasted and he can’t get enough. Jiwon is if nothing else honest and sometimes it hurts but that’s the truth for you, it’s not always pretty. And they’re not pretty, in this moment, they’re vicious and rough, Jiwon digs his nails into the skin of Hanbin’s back, Hanbin wraps his fingers in Jiwon hair and yanks. It’s not pretty, but it’s what they need. They need to hurt so they can start to heal.

Afterwards they lie on the floor on top of Jiwon’s jacket, skin against skin and sticky with sweat. He slides his thumb under Jiwon’s lip, feels the scrape of his thumbnail against calcium-hardened teeth. Presses his fingers into the sides of Jiwons face, tracing spider web lines between the scars and birthmarks like he’s tracing constellations (and he never could find the sky above as beautiful as he finds the arrangement of Jiwon’s face) Jiwon whispers, and his voice echoes in the darkness.

“Why did you wait?”

“I had forgotten all the times we’d loved each other”

And the truth is that he'd forgotton what it was to love and being loved all at once, and being with Jiwon is like finally waking after being asleep for too long. 

He wakes up in Jiwon’s bed the next morning. It’s early, the sun has only started to filter through the curtains and Jiwon’s still asleep, arms and legs tangled in the sheets. He sits back and takes a moment to just look at Jiwon, to drink in the way his lips part a little when he’s asleep, the little mole in the dip of his throat, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the sharp line of his jaw, in a way he hadn’t let himself until now. Quietly he reaches across the space between them and brushes Jiwon’s hair away from his forehead, lets his finger run down the side of Jiwon’s face. There’s an empty place inside of him that finally feels full, finally feels right lying here in bed with Jiwon with the morning light trickling through the windows and casting hazy shadows across Jiwon’s face. He realizes, now, that he had left pieces of himself in Jiwon, and he could never feel whole till he found them again.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Hanbin lies in bed for a while, just watching the gentle rise and fall of Jiwon’s chest but eventually his stomach forces him out of his warm cocoon. The only clothes he has with him are the ones from yesterday and he doesn’t feel like putting on the dress pants and a button down that now lie crumpled on Jiwon's floor. He thinks about running downstairs to grab something from his apartment but even that small journey seems like too much. Instead he opens Jiwon’s closet and rummages through his drawers till he finds a sweatshirt and some sweat pants and pulls them on. Jiwon’s likes his clothes a little baggy and the hoodie hangs lose on his frame but it smells like Jiwon and it’s warm and that’s enough for Hanbin.

Quietly he pads out of the bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him. He picks his phone up from the table where he’d discarded it last night and checks his messages. There’s a few texts from his friends, congratulating him on last night and one from Hayi.

_Are you okay? You seemed a little off last night._

Hanbin smiles as he types out his answer.

_Yeah. I’m great._

His stomach rumbles again and reminds of his mission. He puts the phone in his pocket and heads too the kitchen. Rolling up the dangling sleeves of Jiwon’s sweatshirt he pulls open his fridge and starts looking for something edible. There’s a pretty sparse selection, some left over chinese, a shelf of half full condiments, half a gallon of milk and some eggs. He shakes his head, Jiwon always was a terrible shopper, and makes a note to drag him to the grocery store. After a little more searching though he finds flour and sugar sitting abandoned in the back of one of Jiwon’s cupboards and sets about making pancakes. He’s just finished making the batter when he remembers Jiwon always loved chocolate chips in his pancakes. A quick peak into Jiwon’s room reveals an immobile lump hidden under covers and so Hanbin slips on some of Jiwon’s indoor slippers, grabs his wallet, and walks to the convenience store just down the street. It’s chilly enough outside to make his eyes water and he pulls the hood of his sweatshirt up, cinching the strings tight till just his noses and eyes peak out.

The little store is empty except for the old man at the cash register and he quickly finds what he’s looking for and pays. During the night frost settled on the ground and his feet crunch against the pavement as he walks back towards the apartment. He takes a deep breath and the air stings at the inside of his nose and burns the back of his throat but it feels clean and fresh and he smiles. Everything looks different today, brighter and clearer like the worlds finally come into focus again. He hurries up the stairs too Jiwon’s apartment, hoping to make it back before he wakes up.

 When he reaches Jiwon’s door though he pauses for a second, it’s cracked open and Hanbin is pretty sure he closed it when he left. He hesitates for a moment, hand hovering over the handle and suddenly he remembers the last time he left Jiwon’s door unlocked and his stomach sinks. Pulling the door open he’s faced with Jiwon sitting on his couch, head in his hands. His head jerks up when he hears the door swing open and in that moment he looks completely destroyed. His eyes widen when he see’s its Hanbin, a mixture of disbelief and relief painted across his face, a little huff of air escaping from his mouth.

“Hanbin.”

His name sounds rough and torn on Jiwon’s lips. It sounds like a prayer. Hanbin tosses the plastic bag of chocolate chips onto the armchair and walks over to Jiwon, sinking onto the couch next to him. He puts a questioning hand on Jiwon’s shoulders,

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

Jiwon looks down and away, an almost embarrassed expression on his face.

“I woke up and you weren’t here. I thought… I thought you left again.”

Hanbin’s heart breaks a little at the fear in Jiwon’s voice and he hates himself for leaving the way he did because yes, he did what he needed to do for himself and he doesn’t regret that, but he does regret the hurt he caused Jiwon. It’s obviously a wound that hasn’t healed yet and the pain and desperation in Jiwon's eyes sting like salt in an open cut. He reaches over and cups Jiwon’s cheek in his hand, gently forces Jiwon to face him and leans in till their foreheads are pressed together.

“I’m not leaving again. I promise. I never stopped loving you you know, I just… I had to go.”

Jiwon nods, keeping his forehead pressed against Hanbin’s.

“I understand that now. And I’m sorry that I tried to hold you back, that was wrong of me.”

And there’s still uncertainty in his voice so Hanbin leans in and presses his lips softly against Jiwon’s and kisses it away. When he pulls back the heartbreak in Jiwon’s eyes is gone and Hanbin smiles. Pushing himself off the couch he grabs the discarded bag of chocolate and waves it Jiwon.

“Hungry? I’m making pancakes.”

“Starving.”

As Hanbin heats a pan on the stove-top and starts to pour the batter in Jiwon disappears back into the bedroom to get dressed. Hanbin’s just getting ready to flip the first pancake when he feels a warm presence behind him and then Jiwon’s arms snake around his waist, his chin resting on Hanbin’s shoulder. He can feel Jiwon’s breathe tickling against his earlobe and he has to resist the urge to smile.

“If this pancake falls on the floor I’m still making you eat it you know.”

Jiwon laughs and Hanbin can feel the vibrations against his back.

“Better not drop it then.”

It does fall on the floor, and Hanbin does make Jiwon eat it no matter how many puppy dogs eyes he makes at him. Hanbin just shakes his head and waves his spatula at Jiwon.

“I literally told you two minutes ago! No wasting food! I’ll make you more once you finish that one.”

Jiwon does eat it, sitting in the corner of the couch and pouting and Hanbin can’t help but laugh at the look on his face. He finishes cooking, leaving the kitchen a drippy mess, and they sit and eat breakfast together curled up on the couch with the sun casting bright rays across the floor. Jiwon leans over and kisses Hanbin, his lips are sticky with syrup and he tastes like chocolate and sunlight and home.

Jiwon volunteers for dish duty and as he stands in front of the sink and scrubs Hanbin hops onto the counter beside him and watches. Jiwon grins and reaches over, tugging at the string of the hoodie Hanbin’s wearing.

“Oh, already stealing my clothes I see?”

Hanbin smirks,

“What? They’re comfy. Plus, I think I look pretty good in them.”

Jiwon smiles slowly at that, dropping the plate he was washing back into the sink. Drying his hands off on a towel he moves over till he’s standing between Hanbin’s legs, rests his hands on Hanbin’s hips.

“I know what you would look better in.”

And his whisper sends shivers down Hanbin’s spine. Hanbin whispers back,

“And what would that be?”

Jiwon grins wide and white and suddenly it’s hard for Hanbin to breath. When he replies he tightens his grip and pulls Hanbin close, leans in to his ear.

“Nothing.”

Then he wraps his hands under Hanbin’s legs and picks him up off the counter and Hanbin kisses him hard enough to hurt. They don’t make it too the bedroom, stumbling to a halt in the living room. This is nothing like last night, there’s no hunger or hurt to this, they undress each other languorously, piece by piece, Jiwon leaves a line of kisses down Hanbin’s neck and shoulder and Hanbin shudders under his lips. Last night was desperate, like they were running out of time, running out of love. Now they have all the time in the world.

Later they lay in bed and Jiwon traces fingers across each ridge of Hanbin’s spine, runs his hands through Hanbin’s hair. Hanbin turns his head so he can watch him.

“We need to talk about something.”

Jiwon looks at him, sensing that this is something serious. His fingers don’t stop playing with Hanbin’s hair though.

“What is it?”

“If we’re going to be together again, if we’re going to make this work, then you have to stop.”

He doesn’t have to say what he’s talking about. Jiwon’s hand finally stills in his hair. He looks down, away from Hanbin.

“Whatever you need I’ll be there, I’ll do whatever I can to help but I’m drawing a line. It’s me or the pills. You have to choose.”

Jiwon looks down for a long time and Hanbin feels his stomach tighten. When he finally looks up though there’s no indecision in his eyes, just determination.

“I’d always choose you, Hanbin. Always. Anyways, I don’t think I need them anymore. ”

There’s something to the tone of his voice that makes Hanbin believe him and a weight inside him lifts. Leaning over he kisses him long and slow and gentle, and it’s a promise made and kept. He can feel Jiwon smiles against his mouth. When they pull apart Jiwon shakes his head and reaching up pinches himself on the arm.  Hanbin gives him a confused look.

“What was that for?”

“I can’t believe this isn’t a dream. After you left a part of me though I would never see you again and then you came back and I though we’d never have this again and now you’re here and it just seems to good to be true.”

Hanbin laughs a little at that,

“I can promise you this is real.”

They’re silent for a little while, just lying together. After a little while though Jiwon rolls over onto his side so he’s facing Hanbin and he can feel it’s Jiwon’s turn to be serious.

“What?”

Jiwon swallows hard and Hanbin can see his throat work, adams apple bobbing.

“I just… While you were gone I thought a lot about that night before you left. What I could have said or done ro make you stay. When I left you said… you said you loved me, and I didn’t say it back and I always regretted that. I thought I missed my last chance to say that to you. Now you’re back and I just wanted to say it, for the night that I didn’t. I love you, Kim Hanbin. I love you.”

Hanbin remembers Jiwon’s shoulders in the door right now, and looking over at the look on Jiwon’s face he doesn’t see that person anymore.

“I know.”

And it’s the same, but it’s different.

They lay in bed for a little longer but finally Hanbin slowly starts to sit. Jiwon gives him a pitiful look, tries to pull him back down and Hanbin lets him with a laugh but he gives Jiwon a look.

“We can’t just stay in bed all day you know.”

Jiwon just raises an eyebrow at him,

“Why not?”

And while the idea is very tempting Hanbin just shakes his head at Jiwon.

“Because I have to take a shower and change into real clothes and do adult things. Anyways, don’t you have work or something tonight?”

Jiwon just shrugs,

“I was gonna call in sick.”

Hanbin sits up again and this time he doesn’t let Jiwon pull him back down. He slips out of bed and starts to pull on his pants.

“No, you have to go to work so you can make money and go grocery shopping because your fridge is honestly pitiful.”

Jiwon sticks his tongue out at Hanbin but makes no move to get out of bed. Just burrowing deeper into the covers. Hanbin picks up a pillow from the ground where it had been knocked and smacks Jiwon hard with it. He yelps, and glares at Hanbin. Hanbin just smirks,

“Come on, get up. Anyways, think you still have some dishes to finish too.”

He says the last part teasingly and Jiwon groans and rolls away from him, burying his face in his comforter.

It takes another 10 minutes and a few more thrown pillows before Jiwon finally drags himself out of bed. When Hanbin leaves he’s scrubbing away at the abandoned dishes in the sink.

Letting himself into his own apartment the first thing he does is jump in the shower. He stands under the hot water for a long time, eyes closed and lets water wash away sweat and grime. He slips on sweats and baggy t shirt and walks to the kitchen, toweling off his hair. He’s just starting a pot of coffee when his phone rings, checking the caller ID he sees Hayi’s name flash, he answers with a smile.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Hayi’s voice is bright and excited if a little crackly,

“Somebody bought two of your paintings this morning!”

Hanbin feels the damp towel slip from his hand and fall to the floor,

“Are you serious?”

“Hanbin why would call you and tell you if I wasn’t serious! Somebody from the event yesterday contacted me this morning. Congratulations!”

Hanbin leans back against the counter, runs his hand through his hair and he can’t stop himself from smiling.

“Holy shit, this is amazing. I- I don’t know what to say.”

“Hmmm, how about ‘thank you so much Hayi this is all thanks to you and you’re my most favorite person in the world’ ? That sounds about right to me.”

Hanbin laughs,

“Well I thought that went with out saying. But seriously, thank you, Hayi. This really wouldn’t have ever happened without out you. I owe you one, big time.”

There’s silence for a moment, just the gentle sound of Hayi’s breathing on the other end of the line. When she replies her voice is soft and so, so gentle.

“You don't owe me anything."

And all Hanbin can do is smile.


	20. Chapter Twenty

Hanbin takes Jiwon to see his exhibit later that week. They take the subway, standing close on the chilly grey platform and wait. As the train speeds through the tunnels Jiwon who’s sitting across from him stretches out his leg and kicks at Hanbin’s foot.

“You know, technically, I’ve already been to your exhibition.”

Hanbin just rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, technically. We were a little…preoccupied…that time.”

Jiwon smirks at him in a way that is so completely and utterly Jiwon and the back of Hanbin’s neck warms.

He texted Hayi asking if it was okay if he brought a friend over after hours before they left. She texts back,

_Is he the one from your sketchbook?_

_Yes._

She doesn’t say anything for a while and Hanbin anxiously taps his fingers against the back of his phone. Eventually she does reply though, and Hanbin lets out the breath he was holding.

_Alright, I’ll stay after closing to let you guys in._

As they make the short walk from the subway station to the gallery Hanbin shivers, the night air is sharp and chilly. Jiwon reaches out and interlaces wraps his fingers around Hanbin’s and suddenly he feels a little warmer.

When they reach the studio Hanbin gives the glass panels of the front door a light knock and waves at Hayi. She waves back and getting up from her perch behind a desk and walks over to the door and pulls it open. She smiles and her eyes slide over Jiwon’s face and down to their intertwined hands. He almost misses the hurt that flashes across her face, almost. After brief introductions Hanbin unlocks his fingers from Jiwon’s and puts a light hand on his shoulder.

“Go take a look around, I’ll be right with you alright.”

Jiwon nods at him and with a polite goodbye to Hayi walks deeper into the gallery. He watches him go and can feel Hayi’s eyes burning into the side of his face. When he turns to face her she doesn’t look away. 

“So, you two…. Are you together?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“Something like that.”

Because he’s not really sure what he and Jiwon are. Together doesn’t seem like enough to describe what they have. She nods and looks down, just for a second, and when she looks up she tilts her head back so her eyes stare towards the ceiling and not at Hanbin. She lets out a breath long and shaky, and there’s a smile on her lips but it’s a little bit sad.

“You know, I think there was still a part of me that thought maybe I still had a chance. But…seeing you together…”

She finally looks at Hanbin and her eyes are still a little heartbroken but there’s gentleness in them too.

“Seeing you together I realize I never even had one to begin with.”

Hanbin opens his mouth but she raises single graceful finger and places it against his lips, shakes her head.

“It’s okay, Hanbin, it’s alright. You two… you _belong_ to each other. Anybody with eyes can see it. Don’t feel bad about that, not for me.”

She lets her finger drop finally. Hanbin doesn’t say anything for a moment, struggling for the right words.

“I wish… I wish we didn’t have to want things we can’t have.”

Hayi shrugs.

“It’s not so bad. Besides, most of the time we find things we can. And those are just as good. And sometimes, it turns out we can have the things we thought we couldn’t.”

And her eyes drift to Jiwon, standing with his back to them in front of one of Hanbin’s paintings and Hanbin’s follow. Like he can feel their gaze on his back Jiwon turns, making eye contact and smiling, giving them a little wave. Hanbin waves back. He turns back to Hayi,

“Go show off to him, you’ve earned it. Anyways, I’m meeting some friends so I should get going.”

Hanbin nods,

“Alright, have a good time!”

Hayi shrugs on her jacket and wraps a pale scarf around her neck before heading for the door. Before it swings shut she swings back and with a little half grin calls out

“Hey, if Chanwoo asks for my number again, you can give it to him.”

And Hanbin raises his eyebrows a little at that but can’t help but smile. He watches her disappear down the street before turning and walking over to Jiwon, standing next to him so close there shoulders touch and their fingers brush together.

 “What were you talking about?”

 Hanbin shrugs, looking at the portrait in front of him. It’s the one he based off his sketch of Jiwon. It’s a figure, face blurry and indistinct, stretched out over a couch with light filtering down across them. They’re glowing, some light that comes from inside and shines golden and soft out of there skin and it radiates across the canvas in a haze of soft yellow and white.

 “Things we can and cannot have.”

 “And what can you have?”

 Jiwon asks and his breathe brushes across the back of Hanbin’s neck.

 “You.”  
  
And it’s a question, but it’s not. It’s not because Hanbin already knows in his bones what he can and cannot have and Jiwon is something he can. Suddenly embarrassed Hanbin looks down, feeling his cheeks heat, and changes the subject.

 “So, what do you think?”

 Jiwon doesn’t look at him, and his reply comes floating on an exhaled breath.

 “It’s beautiful, Hanbin.”

 Hanbin smiles, because something about Jiwon’s words sound almost reverent. Sound almost like a prayer. They walk around the small gallery and Jiwon looks at each piece like he’s never seen a painting before. Hanbin offers to turn the lights on but Jiwon catches hold of his hand, shaking his head.

 “No, no I like it like this.”

 Finally they end up back where they started and Jiwon turns to Hanbin.

 “This was amazing, Hanbin. Seriously so fucking amazing. Like I can’t even believe that you did all of that amazing.”

 Hanbin laughs but he can’t help but blush a little at the praise.

 “Thanks. You know I think you really helped a lot.”

Jiwon looks at him, confused.

 “How so?”  
“All the angst I had over you really got those creative juices flowing.”

 Jiwon raises an eyebrow and smirks.

 “So are you saying I’m your muse?”

 “I guess so.”

 Jiwon wraps his arms around Hanbin’s waist and pulls him close and Hanbin let’s his head fall against Jiwon’s shoulder. When he speaks his quiet voice echoes against Hanbin’s ear.

“It’s an honor.”

 They stand like that for a long time, just holding each other, in the pale moonlight room with Hanbin’s art hanging on the walls around them and Hanbin can feel their hearts beating in time. Somebody once told Hanbin that we love the things that kill us. And that’s true, because Jiwon turns him to ash with each breath, destroys Hanbin with every touch but there’s something beautiful in the destruction. Something beautiful about the devastation he leaves behind

 He tells Jinhwan first, of course. He doesn’t want to do it over the phone, it seems wrong somehow, to say something like this over text. Seems disrespectful, in the same way his older friends always told him never to break up with a girl over text he doesn’t want to do this with silent letters on a screen. Instead he invites Jinhwan out for barbeque. They sit at the front window of the restaurant, legs tucked under them and samgyupsal bubbling and spitting in front of them. Jinhwan is watching him carefully as he eats and makes small talk, eyes sharp and watchful. He doesn’t say anything though, and tactfully avoids the topic of Jiwon. The sky starts to darken and the soju flows and Hanbin keeps waiting for the right moment to tell him but it never seems to come, there’s no natural gap in the conversation so Hanbin never brings it up. He’s strangely nervous, he doesn’t even know why because Jinhwan was the one who pushed them back together in the beginning. Eventually though Jinhwan makes the decision for him.

 “Hanbin, you’ve obviously been wanting to say something the whole evening, just spit it out already.”

 Hanbin swallows hard, looks down at the scraps of lettuce and rice on his plate. Jinhwan gently nudges his foot under the table,

 “Come on Hanbin, tell me.”

 Hanbin takes a deep breath and says it all at once.

 “Jiwon and I are back together again.”

 Jinhwan stares at him, eyes wide and shocked.

 “Are you serious?”

 And even though Jinwhan’s tone isn’t judgemental in the slightest Hanbin suddenly feels strangely defensive.

 “Yeah. For almost two weeks now.”

 Jinhwan leans back in his seat, running his fingers through his hair and lets his breathe whistle between his teeth.

 “I mean, I know I really pushed you guys together but after… after everything that happened… And then he didn’t show up to your exhibition, I figured you would be done. Are you sure this is something you want?”

 Hanbin nods, because if there’s one thing he thinks he’s sure of now it’s Jiwon.

 “I’ve never been so sure of something in my life.”

 And he discovers that once he starts talking it’s kind of hard to stop and so he tells Jinhwan about Jiwon showing up after his exhibition, about the night after. Tells him about waking up the next morning, about pancakes and pillow fights and chocolate chips and how finding Jiwon felt like coming home again. As he talks Jinhwan rests his chin on his hand and just listens. When Hanbin finally stops Jinhwan’s just staring with a gentle smile on his face that makes Hanbin flush.

 “What? Why are you smiling like that?”

 Jinhwan sits up and shrugs, smile still on his lips.

 “I just haven’t heard you sound this happy in a long time.”

 Hanbin lets out a soft laugh.

 “It’s funny, I spent so long fighting this, spent so long being afraid of Jiwon and it made me so unhappy. All I had to do was stop fighting it to find out it was right in front of me this whole time.”

 Jinhwan shrugs and takes a bite of samgyupsul.

 “That’s the tricky thing about happiness, it likes to hide in plain sight.”

 And Hanbin is happier, he realizes. He hadn’t noticed until Jinhwan said something because it’s almost imperceptible but there’s a lightness in him that hadn’t been there before. It wasn’t that he was unhappy before, he still had his friends and his art and his life hadn’t been bad, there was just an empty space inside him that was waiting to be filled. Jiwon fits perfectly in the space, fills all the emptiness till some days he feels like he’s bursting. The thing about Jiwon is he is a study in extremes. Sometimes Hanbin will let himself into the apartment at 3 and find Jiwon still in bed, other days he texts him at four in the morning and seems confused when Hanbin tells him to go to sleep. Jiwon either eats to much or Hanbin has to remind him to feed himself. There’s no grey with Jiwon, never has been, it’s all one or the other. This isn’t always a good thing, Hanbin knows from experience, but it means that when Jiwon loves, he loves passionately. Hanbin had forgotten what it was like to be with Jiwon like this. It’s almost too much sometimes, and before it had been. Hanbin realizes now they didn’t work then because he didn’t truly understand Jiwon, couldn’t understand him. Now he does though, knows when to take a step back and when to move in closer and their relationship is the same but different, better now then it was before. They had to be apart before they could be together.

 He’s back at work for the first time since his exhibition and it’s hard to settle back into the routine. He’s fidgety and distracted, he keeps messing up order’s much to Taehyun’s annoyance. He apologizes during a little lull when the café is mostly empty, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

 “I’m sorry, my head’s just kind of somewhere else right now…”

(with someone else)

 Taehyun gives him an exasperated look,

 “Well please retrieve your head from wherever it is at least for the next two hours alright?”

 Before he can finish his sentence the bell on the door rings and Hanbin looks up to see Jiwon walk in, hair damp and flat from the rain. He can’t help the smile that spreads over his face and he gives him a little wave. He greets him quietly, already starting to make his drink. Jiwon leans against the counter and grins, flipping his bangs out of his face. They act normal, at least Hanbin thinks they do. They chat and maybe Hanbin smiles a little wider then normal, maybe their hands linger a second too long when he gives Jiwon his change, but Hanbin doesn’t think they act out of the ordinary. After Jiwon leaves though Taehyun gives him a suspicious look,

 “You two seem…different.”

 Hanbin looks up from pulling more milk out of the fridge.

 “What do you mean?”  
Taehyun doesn’t answer, just keeps staring at Hanbin until it’s a little uncomfortable.

 “Did you two sleep together?”  
Hanbin blushes at that, scratching uncomfortably at his ear.

 “Well, um… we-“

 He doesn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence before Taehyun breaks out into a smile, face lighting up.

 "Are you guys dating!?”

 Hanbin doesn’t answer still embarrassed but apparently Taehyun sees all the confirmation he needs in his face.

 “Holy shit you totally are!”

 He runs into the back and emerges pulling along a flour-dusted Suenghoon who looks confused. Pointing towards Hanbin he smacks Suenghoon a little too excitedly on the back.

 “They finally got together!”

 Suenghoon smiles so wide his eyes almost disappear,

 “Congratulations! I’m really happy for both of you!”

 Taehyun on the other hands rolls his eyes, 

“Ugh, thank god. The sexual tension between you two every time he came in was getting annoying.”

Hanbin blushes even harder and Taehyun laughs, Suenghoon gives him a sympathetic smile behind his back. He blushes but it feels good to finally share it again, because Jiwon is not a secret he’s ashamed of, and it feels right that everyone knows they belong together.


	21. Chapter 21

One night he and Jiwon are watching a movie at Jiwons’ place (Hanbin still doesn’t have a TV). All the lights are off and Hanbin is curled into Jiwon’s side, a blanket pulled over their laps. It’s one of Jiwon’s favorite films and he’d been excited to show it to Hanbin but he’s not really paying attention, there’s something else on his mind. Eventually he can’t do it anymore and reaching over he grabs the remote and hits pause. Jiwon looks down at Hanbin, quizzical expression on his face.

“What’s the matter?”

Hanbin bites his lip, knowing Jiwon isn’t going to like what he’s about to say.

“Jiwon, you can’t keep hiding like this.”

Jiwon’s face tightens a little and he looks away.

“I’m not hiding from anything.”

Hanbin and pushes himself up, sensing this isn’t going to be easy. He loves Jiwon but some things with him are like pulling teeth.

“You know what I’m talking about."

When Jiwon still won’t look at him Hanbin tries again, tone gentler.

“They all miss you, you know.”

For a little while silence settles heavy over the room, Hanbin watching the back of Jiwon’s head with concerned eyes. When he finally speaks he doesn’t turn his head and Hanbin has to lean in to hear what he’s saying.

“I…I don’t think I can face them.”

And it’s a little heartbreaking to hear him say it. Hanbin reaches out a hand, places it on Jiwon’s shoulder.

“I know it feels hard, but it’s something you need to do.”

Jiwon just shakes his head, and the dim light of the TV bounces off of the shifting highlights in his hair.

“I was terrible to them Hanbin. I don’t know if I deserve their forgiveness.”

“They’re your friends, Jiwon. And you owe it to them not to keep hiding like this. They might not forgive you right away, but they will forgive you. I mean, wouldn’t you forgive them?"

Jiwon finally looks over at him and nods a little, Hanbin smiles. 

“There you go. It won’t be as bad as you think it’s going to be.”

Reaching out he laces his fingers with Jiwon’s, gives his hand a little squeeze.

“I’ll be with you, you don’t have to do it alone.”

Jiwon pulls their interlaced fingers up to his lips, brushes a soft kiss against Hanbin’s knuckles. Whispers quietly,

“Thank you, Hanbin. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Hanbin laughs and lightly shoves Jiwon over, but the truth is the both know what Jiwon would do without Hanbin, and it’s not pretty. As they settle back into the couch and Jiwon hits play on the movie Hanbin thinks that, truth be told, he’s not sure what he’d do without Jiwon anymore. The thought should scare him, but it doesn’t.

He calls Jinhwan later, when he’s back in his own apartment (although it’s starting to feel less like home every day).

“I talked to him about finally seeing everybody again. I think he’s willing to do it, now.”

There’s a long silence, nothing to be heard but the gentle crackle of Jinhwan’s breath. Finally he speaks and his tone is hesitant.

“Are you… are you sure? Because we’ve tried before, and it didn’t…. It didn’t end well. I don’t want to push him before he’s ready.”

“I’m sure. I promise Jinhwan, it’ll be different this time.”

Different because now Jiwon has Hanbin and he didn’t before and that will make all the difference he needs.

Hanbin spends a long time wondering how to get everybody in a room together but in the end it happens almost accidentally. He and Jiwon are out for dinner when he gets a text from Donghyuk. Their favorite band from their college days is playing a set at a club in Daehokro and he’s trying to get everybody together to go.

Jiwon, who’s been surreptitiously peeping at his phone screen pulls back awkwardly.

“I can meet up with some other friends if you want to…” 

He trails off but Hanbin shakes his head, and waves off the suggestion.

“No, no you don’t have to leave you should come with me.” 

Jiwon bites his lip and rubs at the back of his neck uncomfortably, avoiding Hanbin’s eyes. 

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea, I don’t want to make them feel like they’re being ambushed.”

Reaching out across the table Hanbin puts his hand on Jiwon’s.

“They won’t feel like you’re ambushing them. Anyways, you promised me Jiwon, now’s as good a time as ever. I’ll even ask if it’s cool with them okay?”

Jiwon nods, appeased, be he still looks nervous. Hanbin shoots Donghyuk a quick text asking if it’s alright if he brings Jiwon and he replies that it’s okay. Hanbin smiles at Jiwon,

“See? I told you it’ll be fine.”

Jiwon seems unconvinced but he reluctantly agrees and they pay their bill and walk to the subway. The closer they get to the club the band is playing at the more anxious and fidgety he gets. Hanbin watches him, half concerned half amused.

“What are you so scared for? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Jiwon shoots him a look,

“A lot. They could hate me forever, or worse they could ignore me. Or somebody could punch me.’’

It’s Hanbin’s turn to give Jiwon a look.

“I really doubt someone’s going to punch you, Jiwon. I swear you didn’t look this nervous when you saw me for the first time again!”

Jiwon holds up three fingers, folding them down as he lists his reasons.

“Okay, one, you surprised me. Two, I was too angry in the moment to be nervous. Three, you’d been gone for a year and didn’t have to deal with me being… unpleasant.”

Finally Hanbin gets fed up with Jiwon’s nervous tapping and reaching over he takes Jiwon’s face in both of his hands, stares into his eyes.

“Look at me, Jiwon. It’s going to be fine I promise. I’m here, we’re going to see them and it might be a little awkward and uncomfortable at first but it’ll be fine. You have to do this sooner or later.”

Jiwon sighs and takes a deep breath, nodding.

“I know, I know, you’re right…I’m just… I’m just nervous.”

Hanbin smiles gently, slips his hand into Jiwon’s,

“I know you are. And that’s alright.”

They’re the last to arrive, everybody else is already standing outside the club stamping their feet in the cold. Hanbin waves when he sees them and after he nudges Jiwon he gives a half hearted little wave too.

Everybody knows he and Jiwon are back together by now, and they all seemed happy about it but it’s the first time they’ve seen them together and it’s more then a little uncomfortable. He can feel Jiwon, rigid and awkward, by his side and everybody else looks just as tense. There’s something heavy in the air, something Hanbin can feel the weight of and despite his assurances he’s starting to wonder if maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Jinhwan’s the first to break the ice, stepping forward with a cautious smile he reaches out and pulls Jiwon into a hug. At first Jiwon is stiff and unmoving but after a few seconds he relaxes into it and returns the embrace. After that the tension lightens a little bit, some invisible barrier broken, and Donghyuk and Chanwoo step forward to greet him. Junhoe hangs in the back, arms crossed and an unreadable look on his face. Finally when greetings are done they head inside.

It’s crowded inside the club, people packed tight and the air is thick and sweaty. The band isn’t supposed to play for a little while so they push their way to the bar and order drinks. Once they come they fight their way to a quieter corner of the club and stand, drinks in hand. There’s still an awkward silence in the air, Jiwon’s standing at the edge of the group a little behind Hanbin like he’s trying to hide. Hanbin tries to start a conversation but every one of his attempts fizzle out and die and eventually they fall back into silence.

Junhoe’s standing at the other end of the group, arms crossed and face closed off and cool. He’s not quite glaring, but there’s something pointed to the gaze he directs at Jiwon. Underneath the veiled anger however, there’s something that looks a lot like hurt. Hanbin remembers that Jiwon and Junhoe were close before he had even met Jiwon, in fact it’s only through Junhoe that he even got to know Jiwon. He remembers that they used to be best friends and he wonders what happened while he was gone. There’s something between them that goes beyond just the tension within the rest of the group, something deeper and bloodier and it hangs in the air between them like electricity.

Chanwoo has never been good with uncomfortable social situations and he’s the first to finish his drink, heading to the bar for another and then another and before too long he’s drunker then he should be. Fortunately for him it makes him oblivious to the continued atmosphere and he begins to animatedly chat about anything and everything that crosses his mind as his friends stand awkwardly in silence. The night drags on and the small club fills even more, pushing them closer and closer together and still the silence reigns and with Junhoe’s eyes drilling over his shoulder into Jiwon Hanbin’s really starting to think this wasn’t a good idea. He can feel the tension and guilt radiating off of Jiwon behind him in nearly palpable waves. Eventually Jinhwan breaks the silence and conversation starts to flow but it does little to dampen the air of trouble that’s brewing. After what probably is only half an hour but feels like much longer Jiwon leans in close and whispers in Hanbin’s ear, 

“I think I’m going to head out… I don’t think now is the right time.”

Junhoe stalks away at that, pushing through the crowd of people with angry tight moves. There’s a look on his face that spells nothing but trouble and Jiwon follows him out with hurried steps, ignoring Hanbin’s calls to come back. Throwing a worried look at Jinhwan Hanbin scrambles after him, with the rest of the group close behind him. When he finally escaped the mass of the main floor and makes it out the door he finds Junhoe and Jiwon facing eachother, standing in the frigid air outside the club.

“Why do you always run away, Jiwon?”

Junhoe asks, and his voice is raw and furious, fists clenched by his side and face white with anger and cold.

“I’m not running, Junhoe, I just…this isn’t the right time for this.”

Junhoe scoffs, something hurt and small lurking behind the bitter noise.

“It never is though, is it? It’s never the right fucking time with you. There’s always something.”

Jiwon shakes his head, running a hand through his hair, an edge of irritation in his voice.

“I’m not- I’m not trying to run away from you, or ignore you, or anything, please believe me, Junhoe.”

The two don’t even seem to aware of the rest of their friends, watching them from the sidelines, caught up in their own world. Hanbin moves forward, meaning to intervene, but Jinhwan puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head quietly and Hanbin stills. Jinhwan is right, this is something they need to work out themselves, obviously there is something between them that needs fixing. Junhoe continues on now, voice bordering on a shout.

“Why wasn’t I enough, Jiwon? Tell me that. I worked so hard to help you, and you never let me. Just tell me why I wasn’t enough.” 

There is something broken to his voice, something sad, and Hanbin sees now what’s wrong and his heart aches for Junhoe. 

“It’s not that you weren’t enough, it’s that I wasn’t ready to be saved.”

Jiwon says, eyes flying to Hanbin for a moment. Junhoe starts to pace back and forth like a caged animal, breath clouding in the air in front of him, eventually he stops in front of Jiwon,

“That isn’t an answer. You owe me an answer, Jiwon.”

Jiwon just shrugs, face blank. 

“That’s all I have. It'll have to be enough."

Something tightens in Junhoe’s face, an almost imperceptible look but Hanbin sees it and starts forward again, sensing something is about to happen. Before he can do anything though Junhoe pulls back his arm and punches Jiwon square in the face. Jiwon stumbles back and doubles over, hands clutching at his nose which is now gushing blood and hisses out a choked expletive. Junhoe turns away face twisted in a grimace and shaking his hand. He swears once, loud and emphatic. 

“FUCK”

Everybody stands frozen, unsure of what just happened and whether or not to jump in or just let it happen. Junhoe continues on,

“That really fucking hurt, Jiwon!”

Jiwon looks up from his crouch, bottom of his face still covered by his hands and blood dripping onto his shirt.

“Why are you mad at me!? You were the one who punched me!”

“Yeah well why does your face have to be so damn hard?!”

Jiwon doesn’t have a reply to that and for moment they all just stand there in the chilly night air. Then suddenly Chanwoo starts to laugh, he’s draped against Donghyuk, arm around his shoulders and at first Donghyuk gives him a scandalized look but then Jiwon starts to laugh and after that Jinhwan and Yunhyeong follow quickly and then Donghyuk starts too. Hanbin laughs so hard it hurts, laughs till it’s hard to breathe and he has to lean over with his hands on his knees. Junhoe stands injured knuckles cradled in his other hand and a confused look on his face.

“What’s so funny?”

Jiwon forces out between laughs,

“You… you punched me...in the face.”

Junhoe gives him a look that seems to wonder if his friends have collectively lost their minds.

“Yeah, I know. How’s that funny?"

That just makes them laugh harder. And they laugh because they’re all outside this club missing the concert they came for and Chanwoo’s so drunk he can’t stand straight and Junhoe just punched Jiwon in the nose like this is some sort of overly dramatic soap opera and it’s fucking freezing and things are going to be okay. It’s at this moment Chanwoo decides to loosen his grip on Donghyuk’s shoulder and he slides bonelessly forward onto the pavement, this development doesn’t seem to bother him much and he just starts to giggle harder. Finally a grin starts to spread on Junhoe’s face, small at first but growing larger and larger and then he’s laughing too. 

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I hit Jiwon, what the fuck!” 

And so they all laugh until they cry, till their lips are numb with cold and their ribs ache. They laugh till it doesn’t hurt anymore and its not perfect, it's not fixed completely, but it's better.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I want to apologize for how long it's been since I've posted. The last couple of months have been pretty hectic, and life got in the way of writing. I'm back now though and hopefully no more long breaks! The end of this fic is really close and I'm determined to finish it before summer starts! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you enjoy this very very late chapter!

“Hey,”

Jiwon says, from across the couch. It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon and they’re both curled up in Jiwon’s living room, blanket thrown loosely over their intertwined legs. Hanbin looks up from his sketchbook, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

“I have a show tonight, at this club downtown. You should come.”

Hanbin smiles, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You sure you want me to be there? Am I cool enough to hang with, I won't embarrass you talking about weird old Italian painters to your bros.”

Jiwon grabs a pillow and tosses it gently at him, grinning.

“Not if you keep talking like that, can’t ruin my street cred you know. But seriously, you should come. You got to take me around your exhibition, it’s my turn to show off!”

Hanbin puts his pencil down and tries to arrange his features into something suitably thoughtful. Putting a finger to his lips he creases his brows,

“Well, I do have an extremely busy schedule today but I guess I can clear a little time tonight. You’re very lucky I like you, you know.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes,

“Wow, I feel so blessed. What did you have planned tonight again? Lying on the couch and eating take out Chinese? It’s quite the sacrifice you’re making here.”

He can’t keep a straight face though and by the time he’s finished talking white teeth flash, lips splitting into a smile and he looks so beautiful Hanbin can’t help but lean over to kiss him. Jiwon kisses him back, smiling into his mouth and Hanbin is content.

Jiwon had work in the afternoon and has to go straight to the venue after so Hanbin heads over alone. Jiwon’s on at 9 but Hanbin get’s there a little early so he makes a beeline over to the bar and orders a drink. As he sips it he looks around, taking in the club. There’s a lot of younger kids, twentyish or so, dressed in ripped jeans and snapbacks and Hanbin’s only a few years older then them but he suddenly feels like he sticks out like a sore thumb in his slightly wrinkled button-down and blue jeans. Throwing back the last of his drink he orders another one and checks his watch, it’s 8:45, and stands to make his way to the raised stage at the front of the room. He’s surprised to see that quite a few people have already gathered near it, and as it grows closer to 9 more and more people crowd into the small space, pushing him forward and packing tightly together. There’s a thrum of anticipation hanging over the crowd, a tension that grows and builds and Hanbin feels himself get caught up in it.

Finally the background music playing fades out and somebody comes out on stage, introducing the line up for the night. Jiwon’s fourth up, and Hanbin smirks a little when he hears the stage name he’s using, Bobby. The first couple of sets are fine, and Hanbin sways along to the music, the two drinks in his stomach helping him to loosen up. Finally though the third rapper leaves and there’s a brief lull before Jiwon walks out. He looks good, he’s wearing a over-sized white tank top that hangs loose on his shoulders and exposes his collarbones and the curve of his chest, hair slicked back away from his forehead. He looks confident, comfortable, the mic in his hand looks like part of him and the way he smiles out at the audience is like the sun. There’s a low hum of voices that built in the interim but when Jiwon opens his mouth it quiets, everybody waiting, waiting, waiting. When the music comes Hanbin feels it in his bones like the beating of a heart and Jiwon’s voice is like lightning across his skin.

Hanbin lets himself fall into it, into the music and the sticky heat of the space and the feeling of the bodies next to him, lets himself fall into Jiwon. He’s electric, on stage, more alive then Hanbin’s ever seen him and it’s hard to compare the Jiwon who likes chocolate chip pancakes and extra caramel lattes and trips over his own feet sometimes and smiles like no one Hanbin’s ever seen before with this Jiwon. The colored lights of the club glint and reflect off the hard lines of his jaw and there’s a sheen of sweat across his face, his eyes dark and wild.

There’s a girl next to him, and she turns and grabs at his arm screaming into his ear over the sound of the music,

“Holy shit he is so hot, I’m so jealous of whoever is gonna be his girlfriend!”

All Hanbin can do it throw his head back and laugh, she doesn’t notice, attention already drawn back to the stage and eyes glued on Jiwon. When Jiwon’s halfway through his third song somebody throws something that flashes bright in the strobe lights onto the stage and Jiwon catches it one hand, not missing a beat. It’s a gold chain, thin and elegant it hangs from his fingers like a snake, and when a pause in the song comes Jiwon slowly slips it over his head, letting it settle around his neck, somebody lets out a loud whoop from someone the audience and Jiwon’s eyes fall on them and he smiles. Hanbin cranes his neck, trying to see who he’s looking at but it’s all just a writhing sea of people and Jiwon’s already moved on.

He meets him later, at the bar. He’s still wearing that tank top and the thin fabric is stuck to his skin with sweat, clinging to the curves of his collar bones and there’s something electric in his hands as he pulls Hanbin into a hug. Pressed against the planes of his body Hanbin can feel Jiwon’s heart pounding in his chest like the beat of the music. Jiwon pulls away, smile splitting his face nearly in to and the dim lights of the club glimmer in his eyes like fireworks.

“So, how was I?”

He asks, voice tight and high with excitement. Not waiting for Hanbin to answer he the tips his chin at the bartender and holds up two fingers. The girl pours two shots and slides them over and Hanbin waits for Jiwon to take his before he replies. There’s a quick sarcastic retort on the tip of his tongue about how many fangirls Jiwon must have now or the thin gold chain that hangs around Jiwon’s neck like a badge of honor, like a uniform and the shape of the words taste like battery acid on his tongue, sour and unfamiliar and unexpected and he's shocked at himself for thinking them. There’s something so eager in Jiwon’s eyes though, something so open and honest and he’s waiting like a nervous kid about to get his exam scores back just watching Hanbin’s face and he melts. Like butter, like putty, like ice he melts in the face of Jiwon’s heat like he always does and always will and so instead he says so softly that Jiwon has to lean in close to hear him under the sound of music and people,

“You were amazing.”

At Hanbin’s words his grin gets even wider and his teeth flash white as he runs a hand through his hair self consciously,

“Really?”

“Really.”

Hanbin says, and smiles. Jiwon’s eyes crinkle, and he’s just leaning in to Hanbin when somebody taps him on the shoulder. It’s a pretty young girl, dressed in a tight jeans and a tight top.

“Sorry to bother you, I was just wondering if I could have your signature?”

She says, holding up a paper napkin and pen with a glossy red smile. Jiwon looks a little surprised but then he grins and nods,

“Yeah, of course!”

Reaching out for the pen. As soon as he’s done another girl comes up and asks him the same question and soon he’s surrounded by a small pack of them. He looks at Hanbin over his shoulder, throwing him an apologetic smile but Hanbin just shakes his head and gives him a thumbs up. Even as he does though he notices that the sour taste on his tongue is back and realizes with a start that he’s a little jealous. Sighing he reaches for the shot glass still sitting on the bar by his elbow and takes it, wincing at the fire that burns at his throat. Leaning against the cool bar top he watches as Jiwon laughs and signs autographs and chats. It’s not the he begrudges him the attention, he’s truly happy for him but it’s hard. They’re both artists, in they’re own ways, but the art they make is different. Nobody will ever run up to Hanbin on the street or ask for his autograph or scream his name, not like this.

And he’s jealous, not because he won’t have that, but because in a way he has to share Jiwon now. Every time he goes up on stage he’s giving himself to the people watching, sharing himself with them and Hanbin wouldn’t ever try to stop him but it doesn’t stop him from being jealous. Because there will be people who think they know him, people who think they love him, and Jiwon won’t just be his anymore.

His thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of a hand on his elbow, and he looks up to see Jiwon.

“Hey, sorry about all that. It sometimes gets kinda crazy after shows.”

He says sheepishly. Hanbin waves a hand at him,

“Don’t worry about it.”

Swallowing away the bitter taste in his mouth he laughs,

“Look at you, you’re a regular rockstar, complete with groupies.”

Jiwon shrugs a little and runs his hand through his hair again. Locks of hair fall against his forehead and Hanbin has to resist the urge to reach out and brush them away from his face. Leaning against the bar he sighs,

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s still a little weird getting asked for autographs and stuff. But it means my music is taking off which is good.”

Hanbin leans next to him and nudges with him an elbow,

“Anybody thrown their bra onstage at you yet?”

“No, not yet. But hey, there’s still time.”

Jiwon says grinning.

“Well, if no ladies volunteer I’ll buy one and throw it at you myself if I have too.”

Jiwon laughs, throwing back at his head and Hanbin feels something warm bloom in his stomach because Jiwon only laughs like that for him, and no amount of fan's can take that from him. Just then somebody calls out Jiwon’s name from the deeper in the club and his eyes scan the crowd before he smiles and waves at whoever shouted at him.

“Hey, I gotta go talk to this guy real quick, he knows a lot of big producers and shit. Be right back?”

Hanbin nods and gives him a little shove towards the man who called out with a grin,

“Go get ‘em tiger.”

With a little wave at Hanbin he’s gone, absorbed by the crowd. He watches the spot he disappeared for a long time, as people dance and kiss and drink. Finally he turns, shaking his head a little and orders another drink.

It’s a while before Jiwon comes back but when he does he’s positively glowing, something small and rectangular clutched in his hand. He’s almost bouncing with excitement by the time he gets to Hanbin, waving whatever’s in his hand around. Hanbin raises an eyebrow,

“So I’m assuming it went well?”

Jiwon doesn’t respond just shoves the item he’s holding at Hanbin. Hanbin takes it, looking it over. It’s a scrap of paper with the word HIGHGRND scrawled across the top and a phone number written underneath.

“Hey, hate to break it to you but I don’t think you’re friend knows how to spell.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes but he can’t really manage to look annoyed.

“Jesus Hanbin you really don’t keep up on popular culture. Highgrind is like this sub-label of YG, Tablo from Epik High is the CEO and there’s a bunch of really legit musicians signed to it. He said he sent some of my demos over and they’re interested! This is seriously huge Hanbin!”

“For real?”

Jiwon nods vigorously, hair bouncing against his forehead.

“Wow, Jiwon, I-I don’t know what to say. Congratulations!”

Hanbin says, handing back the piece of paper to Jiwon who holds it in his hand like it’s made out of gold, which, Hanbin muses, if everything works out it might as well be. And he’s happy for him, he truly is, happy to see the light in his eyes and the way his hands shake a little with excitement and how he doesn’t look so hungry or so thin anymore. There’s a small part of him though, a selfish, scared, insecure part, that can’t help but feel like he’s about to be left behind. Because if Jiwon makes it big, which Hanbin has no doubt he will, how can Hanbin compare to everything the world he’s going to has to offer? Because where he’s going is bright and beautiful and full of people who will want him and love him and what can Hanbin ever give that will measure up to that. He’s just a boy who loves to paint, just a boy who loves Jiwon, just a boy that left him once. But he smiles because he knows this is Jiwon’s dream, he can’t stop him from following it, doesn’t want to. He’d be the biggest hypocrite in the world if he did. He wonders, as Jiwon orders another round, if this isn’t a sort of a karma. Wonders if the world gave him this happiness just to take it away. The vodka burns in his throat like fire and he welcomes the feeling.

Later they take the subway back. It’s mostly empty, the only other person at the other end of train car. He’s quiet, and he can feel Jiwon’s questioning eyes on him, but he doesn’t say anything till they’re off the subway and walking home. The question when it comes is hushed and hesitant.

“Is something the matter?”

Hanbin just bites his lip and looks away. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s afraid that if he says it out loud all his fears will sound pathetic under the street lamps and stars, because he’s afraid of what Jiwon will think of him once the words leave his lips. He keeps walking but then he feels a gentle hand around his wrist and he turns back to see that Jiwon has stopped in the middle of the street, face concerned.

“Come on, Hanbin, talk to me. Did something happen at the club?”

Hanbin shakes his head, still looking down. He tries to pull away but Jiwon is insistent and his fingers just tighten a little. Softly, he asks,

“Did I do something?”

Hanbin shakes his head, and suddenly there are tears pricking at the back of his eyes sharp and insistent as the hand on his wrist. He bites them back angrily because he’s acting stupid and Jiwon is good, so good, and he doesn’t know why he’s so upset about this. Why he’s being so selfish now.

“No, it’s nothing. It’s not you.”

His voice cracks and Jiwon finally lets go of his wrist, reaching up to wipe away a tear that had slipped free from Hanbin’s treacherous eyes.

“Hey, babe, don’t cry,”

He says, worry bleeding into his voice as he pulls Hanbin into a hug. He lets his face rest against Jiwon’s shoulder, breathes in the smell of his cologne and under it the scent of sweat and spilled drinks and cheap beer. Finally he takes a deep breath and not looking at Jiwon says,

“I’m just… I’m just scared I’m going to lose you.”

Jiwon pulls back, expression somewhere between shocked and confused. Hanbin just barrels on before he loses his nerve.

“Tonight, tonight you were-you were incandescent, Jiwon. And all those people, they loved you. All those girls loved you, and the bigger you get the more people are gonna love you and I just… I’m so scared I’m going to lose everything we have just when we got it back.”

Finally his breath runs out and he looks down, embarrassed and shaky but then he feels fingers against his chin and Jiwon is tilting his face up till there’s nowhere else to look but at him.

“Hanbin, I could never forget you, or leave you, or anything like that. I owe everything to you, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you. Before you came back I was… well I was a mess. You inspired me to work on my music again, to make it better. You saved me Hanbin. And even if I somehow manage to make it, I’ll never forget that. There’s no one could ever replace you. Believe me, Hanbin.”

“I do,”

Hanbin whispers, like a promise, like a prayer, and Jiwon leans forward till their foreheads press together and his breath on Hanbin’s lips tastes like hope. They stand like that for a while, in a pool of soft yellow lamplight and finally Jiwon takes Hanbin’s hand and leads him down the street and up the stairs and into his apartment, into his bed. Hanbin lays his head on Jiwon’s chest and listens to the steady sound his heartbeat.

“Jiwon?”

“Hmmm?”

Jiwomn hums, and the sound vibrates against Harbin's skin.

“I don’t want things to ever change.”

His voice rings loud in the darkness, and when Jiwon replies his voice is soft with sleep.

“I know, me neither.”


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Hanbin’s just finished his shift when his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and is surprised to see it’s Hayi calling. Slipping on his coat and grabbing his backpack out of his locker he hits answer.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Her voice is bright and excited on the other end of the line.

“Are you free at all today?”

“Uh yeah, just got off work actually.”

He replies, shrugging the strap of his backpack over his shoulder and heading towards the door.

“Okay great, can you meet me at that coffee shop near my place, say 3:30?”

Hanbin glances at his watch, it’s just past 2:45, plenty of time to get there.

“Yeah, sure. What’s going on? You sound excited.”

She’s silent for a moment and when she finally replies he can almost hear the smile in her voice.

“It’s a surprise, you have to wait to find out.”

Rolling his eyes, Hanbin laughs a little and says goodbye, hanging up and heading down the street to the bus stop. It’s a little chilly, cool air bites at his skin and he shivers, wishing he’d brought a warmer jacket. It’s almost spring, but winter hasn’t quite let go yet and the sun is still pale and cool. The air smells like rain and with one look at the clouds that hover dark and swollen in the distance Hanbin knows there’ll be a storm before the end of the day, he just hopes he’s inside when it happens. Pulling his jacket closer he smiles, if Jiwon’s not working tonight maybe they can order Chinese and watch the new marvel movie that just came out, Jiwon’s always been a sucker for superhero movies.

It’s only 3:10 when Hanbin gets to the coffee shop and he doesn’t see Hayi so he orders a latte for himself and a black drip for her, it’s what she always gets. Wandering over to a table by the window he sends her a text to let her know he’s here and settles in, scrolling idly through facebook. At 3:35 the little bell on the door rings and he looks up to see Hayi walking in. He calls out her name and waves her over and she collapses into the chair with a sigh, throwing her purse on the table. He raises an eyebrow, she’s a little flushed and there’s a few usually perfect hairs out of place.

“Not like you to be late.”

She doesn’t look at him, just reaching for the coffee in front of her.

“I’m really sorry, I just got caught up in something and then traffic was a bitch.”

Her cheeks redden as she speaks, trying to hide behind her coffee cup, and Harbin smirks a little.

“Oh really, and did that something’s name happen to start with a C and end with an O perhaps?”

He watches as she chokes on her drink, face turning an even brighter shade of red. She sputters a little, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand as he laughs.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business!”

She says, glaring at him.

“Oh come on Hayi, I think it is my business. How is it going with you two?”

She takes another sip of her drink, sighing and rolling her eyes, but he can see the way her face softens.

“I swear, it’s like dating a puppy. A very attractive puppy with a nice smile and a bizarre and sometimes worrying sense of humor, but a puppy.”

Her voice is sharp but there’s a smile that plays on her lips as she says it. Hanbin reaches across the table and puts a hand on top of hers,

“I’m happy for you. Really.”

For a moment she lets it rest there, and there’s silence between the two of them, but then the moment passes and she takes her hand back, shaking her head.

“Thanks, Harbin. But we didn’t meet up to talk about me!”

“Oh yeah, what’s the thing you couldn't tell me on the phone?”

Hayi pauses for a second, taking a deep breath,

“You got a job offer!”

He stares at her in surprise.

“What?”

She nods excitedly, hair bouncing up and down.

“Remember how somebody bought two of your paintings the day after you exhibition?”

Hanbin nods,

“Well, the same guy contacted me yesterday, his names Felix Holkman. Apparently he looked into you, the work you did at Columbia and at school. And I guess he’s old friends with on of your art teachers who recommended you. Anyways, he owns a pretty famous gallery in Berlin. He wants you to come do an exhibition there, and then stay on as the art director there! I guess he's getting old and wants to take a step back and spend less time working or something.”

Hanbin’s cup freezes halfway to his lips, somewhere outside there’s the sound of thunder and Hanbin tastes lighting on his tongue. Hayi’s staring at him with bright expectant eyes, a wide smile on her face. And Hanbin wants it, wants it badly. Who wouldn’t? Berlin is amazing, full of culture and passion and innovation, and Hanbin can already almost taste smoke and champagne on his lips, see the gallery filled with his paintings and he wants it. But then he remembers Jiwon, remembers how Jiwon's lips feel on his and how his eyes always crinkle at the edges when he smiles, remembers the promise he made him that sunny winter morning and his stomach sinks. Hayi’s still watching him so he forces himself to smile, sets down his cup on the saucer.

“Wow, I-I don’t know what to say. This is an amazing opportunity.”

Maybe sensing his hesitation Hayi barrels on,

“Look I know it’s a lot. You’d have to move right after you got back, to Germany, it’s a lot. But it’s such a great chance for you Hanbin. He’s already offered to pay rent on an apartment until you get your feet under you there, and you’d have complete creative control! I mean, this is huge! He wants you there at the end of June, you have to go Hanbin!”

Her words ring in the air like the sound of bells and Hanbin is frozen, And Hanbin knows she means well, but all of a sudden it’s too much. He wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to throw something just to hear it break. Her expectant face is still waiting, the gentle hum of people in the coffee shop is suddenly claustrophobic and the weight of the choice that sits on his shoulders is too much and he has to get away. He stands abruptly, knees colliding with the table as he gets up and rattling the cups. She stares, surprised, as he shrugs on his jacket and grabs his backpack.

“Hanbin? What’s go-“

He cuts her off, voice tight and hurried,

“I’m sorry, this is just- it’s a lot to think about, I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow okay.”

And then he’s gone, striding towards the door of the shop. He hears her voice behind him, calling out his name with concern in her voice and pretends he doesn’t.

It’s pouring outside but Hanbin doesn’t bother to pull up the hood of his jacket. He feels numb inside, barely notices the rain that soaks his thin shirt through or seeps into his shoes, doesn’t notice the icy water dripping down his neck. He crosses the street without looking and a car screeches to a halt a foot from him, the driver rolls down their window and starts to shout at him but he can barely make out the words and just gives them a half hearted gesture in apology. He walks the three miles back to his apartment, still on autopilot and by the time he gets home he’s shivering so hard his teeth clack. He walks straight past the door to his apartment and up the stairs to Jiwon’s place without a second thought. He knocks on the door and Jiwon answers in a second, his eyes widen when he sees Hanbin,

“Holy shit, you’re soaking.”

And then when he sees the look in Hanbin’s eyes he asks more hesitantly,

“Is everything okay?”

And everything’s not okay. It’s not alright because he’s been given an impossible choice and either way it will destroy him but Jiwon’s here and he’s warm and Hanbin’s so cold right now.

“Just kiss me, please.”

And Jiwon does, hesitantly at first but then they sink into it. Jiwon wraps an arm around his neck and pulls him close, shutting the door behind him. Kisses him soft and long and gentle and holds him tight and still Hanbin shakes but for a different reason now.

Later they lay in bed in silence. Jiwon traces letters onto the bare skin of Hanbin’s back as he rests his head on Jiwon’s chest and listens to his heart beat heavy against his ribs.

“Want to talk about what was bothering you?”

Hanbin’s quiet for a long time.

“I got a job offer today. Somebody who saw my work with Hayi wants me to come do an exhibition in their gallery.”

Jiwon hand stills and he props himself up on his elbow.

“Holy shit, that’s great Hanbin!”

And then, when he sees that Hanbin’s not smiling he hesitates, eyebrows knitting together.

“Isn’t it?”

Hanbin’s shakes his head, looks away.

“Jiwon… He’s German. I’ll have to go to Germany.”

Jiwon’s smile falters, just for a second, but then it’s back before Hanbin's even sure it was gone.

“Well, that’s not a big deal. I mean, it’s a really great opportunity right?”

Hanbin nods.

“Okay then. You go, hang out in Germany for a little while, eat some sausages, impress some German’s with your talent. Maybe I can even come for a bit and we can fly back together. It can’t be more then a month or two right?”

Hanbin feels tears prick at the back of his eyes, and his throat tightens around the words he’s trying to say. After he swallows hard he manages to force them out, quiet and raspy with emotion.

“That’s the thing, Jiwon. He want’s me to stay on, and run his gallery for him. I-I don’t know when I’d be back. If I’d be back.”

Jiwon freezes then, realization dawning on his face like a drop of paint in water and Hanbin feels sick to his stomach to watch it. Jiwomn opens his mouth to say something but no words come out and he lets it close again, throat working. Before he can find his words though Hanbin speaks again,

“It’s okay. I’ve already decided I’m not taking the job. I’m telling Hayi tomorrow.”

Finally the blank look on Jiwon’s face breaks to be replaced with shock, he sits up opening his mouth again but Hanbin cuts him off, shaking his head.

“Look Jiwon, I already left you once. I won’t-I can’t do that again. This job, it isn’t worth it. Isn’t worth you. I left last time, but this time I’m going to stay. Going to stay with you.”

Jiwon’s eyes are flicking back and forth, searching for something like Hanbin’s face is a treasure map and he’s looking for the big red X. Hanbin lets him, just watching, and he sees the moment he finds whatever he’s looking for. Sees it in the way his shoulders settle and his mouth tightens and he doesn’t know what he found but he knows he’s afraid of whatever Jiwon’s about to say, knows he’s terrified. He pushes himself up, reaching out for Jiwon’s lips like if he can just stop the words then everything will be alright, they can both just pretend that everything's alright. He’s not fast enough though, he never is, and Jiwon catches his wrists in both hands and his eyes are so sad when he looks at Hanbin.

“You should go.”

And with three words the world changes. Hanbin feels all the air leave his lungs, feels like Jiwon hit him hard between the ribs.

“What”

He whispers, and the word escape his lips like on a pained little gasp. Breathy and soft and aching and it tears at his throat till he tastes blood. Jiwon doesn’t let go of his wrists, thumbs gentle on the inside of Hanbin’s palms.

“You should go Hanbin. Don’t throw this away.”

“But- I’d stay Jiwon. Don’t you understand I don’t mind staying, for you-”

It’s Jiwon’s turn to cut him off now.

“No. Hanbin I don’t want to be the one holding you back from your dream. Look at how that ended up for us last time. I’m not making the same mistake again, not again. This is your dream, go and get it.”

Hanbin stares at him, and he’s crying now, he can feel tears warm on his face and doesn’t bother to wipe them away.

“Don’t you love me? Don’t you want to be with me?”

The words catch at his throat as he says them. It’s not a fair question, and Hanbin knows it, but he asks it anyway because he’s tired of being fair, being fair never got him anything but broken hearts anyway. Jiwon tilts his head back, taking a shaking breath and letting it out. When he looks at Hanbin again his eyes are glassy.

“I do, Hanbin. I do love you. And that’s why I’m telling you to go. I want you to stay- god more then anything I want you. But I’m being selfish. Because you would stay and maybe you would be happy for a while but eventually you’d start to resent me, I wouldn't blame you for it either. And I don’t think I bear it if you resented me.”

His voice cracks on the last word. Breaking like bone, like glass, and he looks away to hide the tears that Hanbin knows are coming. Hanbin reaches out though, fingers firm on Jiwon’s chin and turns his face back towards him. Running a thumb along one sharp cheekbone he thinks that even now, with his swollen red eyes and runny nose Jiwon is still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He laughs, wet and heavy,

“Man, we really just have the worst timing don’t we.”

Jiwon laughs too, a little shakily, let his forehead rest against Hanbin’s.

“The worst. I think the world might have it out for us.”

They stay like that for a little bit, holding each others pieces together. Finally though he draws back, and says, a little haltingly,

“I could wait for you. If you wanted me too.”

And for a second, a selfish longing second, Hanbin wants to say yes. Because he’s knows that Jiwon would, if he asked him too right now. Knows he’d wait months and days and years for Hanbin, knows he’d wait a lifetime. But the second passes and he shakes his head,

“I can’t ask that of you.”

Because if there’s one thing he’s learned it’s that love is about being selfless, even when you really really want to be selfish. Even if being selfless means cutting a piece of yourself out and leaving it behind. Jiwon nods, and Hanbin can see from his eyes that he understands.

“Alright.”

He says softly,

“When do you have to leave?”

“End of June.”

Jiwon sits back, counting out the months on the tips of his fingers and Hanbin can’t help but smile, even if it hurts, at how much he looks like a kid.

“Alright, so we have three and a half months.”

Hanbin nods, and feels his stomach clench at how little time that seems like. But Jiwon just nods, and there’s half a smile on his lips.

“I guess we’re just going to have to make them the best three and a half months we can, then.”

Hanbin bites his lip hard, taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears that linger on his cheeks and tries to pretend that he’s brave.

“I guess we will.”

Laying down Jiwon reaches up and pulls Hanbin down with him, into the space between his shoulder and his arm and Hanbin lets him. They lay there, just feeling skin against skin and it hurts because Hanbin thought this feeling was going to be forever and now he’s realized it’s not. So they lay there and Hanbin tries to burn this moment into his memory like a brand. It’s still raining outside and the air smells like the beginnings of spring.

“I just… I want you to know that being with you again, even if it was just for a few months, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This-you- you changed everything. And the pain of losing it is worth the fact that I got to have it.”

Hanbin turns his head up pulls Jiwon down to his lips and they kiss to the sound of rain and two hearts breaking.

 

 


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

The next morning Jiwon has to leave early for work. Hanbin pretends to be asleep as he slips out of bed, keeps his eyes closed as Jiwon moves quietly around the room getting dressed, keeps his breath even when Jiwon leans over with a rustle of sheets and the faint hint of cologne and presses his lips to Hanbin’s forehead. For a moment Jiwon lingers, and Hanbin can hear the gentle sound of his breath, feel the tension in air and he almost opens his eyes but then Jiwon sighs and turns. Hanbin hears the bedroom door click shut behind him and feels like he has lost something, but he’s not sure what. 

It’s just that he doesn’t think he can look at Jiwon without crying right now, doesn’t think his heart can take it. There will be a time for celebration, later. A time to be grateful for what he has and has had and a time to look to the future, but that time is not now. Right now, Hanbin mourns. Mourns for what he is about to lose, and what could have been. He feels a dry, hollow, brittle place open in his chest and there’s a numbness that settles there, like heavy snow over a forest it muffles the sounds of the world around him like his ears have been stuffed with cotton.

Finally he gets out of bed and makes his way down the flight of steps to his own apartment. Unlocking the door he walks in and drops onto the couch, staring blankly at the opposite wall. He needs to talk to someone, needs to say the words echoing in his head, needs to share his pain with someone else. He pulls out his phone and starts to scroll through the contacts, he bypasses Chanwoo because he’s just to kind and too in love to dump something like this on him, especially not when it could get back to Hayi. Next is Jinhwan, and he pauses on that name for a long moment, finger hovering over the call button. The thing is Jinhwan would be all gentle, sympathetic eyes and warm hugs and _understanding_ and Hanbin doesn’t know if he can take that right now. Doesn’t know if he can take the softness right now, the kindness, he feels like right now in his grief he needs something different. He doesn’t want soft edges, he wants truth, even if it stings. He scrolls down to the next name on the list and hits dial. 

Junhoe picks up after three rings, voice still groggy from sleep.

“Jesus Hanbin, do you know what time it is?”

He rolls his eyes at that, 

“I do actually, it’s past 10. In the morning.”

“Yes. Exactly. Too early for you to be calling me or me to be awake.”

Junhoe says, grumpily. Hanbin ignores his grumbling and forges on undeterred. 

“Listen, do you want to meet up later? For lunch or something?”

Junhoe sighs on the other end of the line, the sound of his breath echoing in Hanbin’s ear.

“Yeah, sure. You’re lucky I like you so much, you know."

“Thank you Junhoe. Really.”

Hanbin says, and he can hear his voice cracking on the last syllable. When Junhoe replies again there is no exasperation in his voice, just a hint of concern.

“Of course man. Anytime.”

The line clicks, and Hanbin is left with nothing but static anda  pit in the bottom of his stomach. He sits there for a while, phone still pressed to his ear and the sound of traffic filtering in through his half opened window. Finally he pulls the phone away, throwing it onto the couch beside him. It bounces a few times, coming to rest precariously close to the lip of the cushion, half hanging off the edge. Hanbin feels a lot like he’s hanging off the edge of a long drop too, hanging by the tips of his fingers, and he’s not sure whether he should let go or tighten his grip. Not sure what will happen if he falls. Sighing he rubs his hands across his face, digging his fingers deep into the curve between his eyes and the bridge of his nose, thumbs reaching up into his hairline, letting his palms press against the line of his jaw. Sun filters through his fingers and stains the back of his eyelids red and orange. Letting his hands drop he pushes himself to his feet and heads to the shower. 

Stepping in he turns the knob as high as it will go and lets his head fall against the off-white tile of the shower wall, ceramic cool against his forehead. Steam starts to rise as the water heats, beating down against his back. Comfortable at first but quickly growing hotter till it stings against his skin. He stands under it for as long as he can, letting the water burn away at the numbness in his chest. He still feels cold. When he steps out of the shower his skin is red and his bathroom is covered in beads of condensation. He walks over to the mirror, wiping away at fog that covers the glass, but he finds no answers in the eyes he sees reflected back at him. Shaking his head he quickly towels himself off and pulls on a change of clothes, shaking damp hair as he pulls a tee shirt over his head. He retrieves his phone from the couch and checks his messages. There’s one from Hayi, asking if he’s thought about the offer yet. He ignores that. He’ll answer her today, he has to at some point, but he doesn’t think he can do it yet, can't make it real. There’s one from Jiwon too, it just says _I love you._ He ignores that one too and feels guilt flare hot and bitter in his stomach, and he bites his lip hard enough to draw blood. It’s still too early to leave to meet Junhoe yet so he flicks on his TV and leans back, crossing his arms. A few minutes later his phone buzzes, Jiwon again, but he just turns it to silent and shoves it back in his pocket. 

It’s not that he’s trying to avoid Jiwon, or that he doesn’t want to talk to him, it’s just that he needs space right now. Needs time to breathe, and to harden his heart. To process. He feels bad, because Jiwon’s hurting right now to he knows, and he’ll apologize later but right now he needs this. Needs to not be around Jiwon, because right now it hurts too much to see him, and remember that he’s going to lose him. 

An hour later he switches off the TV and stands to get ready to go. He’s pretty sure that even if someone held a gun to his head he wouldn’t be able to tell them any of what he just watched. Slipping on his shoes he grabs his keys and backpack and heads out the door. He heads down the street to the corner store and picks up some cheap sushi before hopping on the subway. It’s mostly empty, most people are already at work, and he sits in an empty car and listens to the sound of the train rattling on it’s tracks and doesn’t think about Jiwon. Tries not to think about Jiwon. Fails. 

It takes three knocks for Junhoe to answer his door, and Hanbin watches the street below as he waits. Finally Junhoe opens the door, hair still damp from the shower and dripping water onto the neck of his shirt. Hanbin holds up the plastic bag on one finger, letting it dangle gently. 

“Buy you lunch?”

Junhoe reaches out and unhooks the bag from Hanbin’s fingers, pulling it open and peaking at the contents. He raises an eyebrow and says dryly, 

“You’re really spoiling me here. Where’d you get this? 7-11?”

Hanbin grins at him and shakes his head, 

“Don’t ever say I don’t buy you anything nice.”

Junhoe rolls his eyes, 

“Alright sure, whatever. Let me grab my jacket.”

He disappears for a moment and then reappears, shrugging on his coat and turning to lock the door behind him. 

There’s a little park just down the street from Junhoe’s place, tucked into a corner between another apartment building and a chinese restaurant. They head there now, dropping onto a wooden bench hidden from the main road by a line of trees. The wood is rough, splinters digging into the fabric of Hanbin’s jeans and the bench is covered in graffiti. Somebodies carved _Yu-jin x Ji-hoon for ever_ onto one of the slats by his thigh. He traces the characters with his fingers. He wonders how long forever was for them. The gentle nudge of Junhoe’s elbow interrupts his thoughts. He looks up to see Junhoe holding out a plastic container of sushi and a pair of chopsticks. After he takes them Junhoe rummages in the bag between them and pulls out his own food, taking off the lid and putting it to the side. Leaning back he stretches out his legs, crossing them in front of him and takes a bite, chewing slowly. Finally he asks, 

“So. Why’d you want to meet up?”

Hanbin looks at him sideways through the soft fringe of his bangs, picking at the peeling sticker on the lid of his sushi. 

“Can’t I just want to hang out with my friend?”

Junhoe gives him a look and Hanbin avoids eye contact, focusing on the now shredded sticker. 

“Jesus, you’re so skeptical.”

“It’s just how my mama raised me,”

Junhoe quips, sticking another roll into his mouth. When he finishes chewing he says, 

“Anyways, you didn’t answer my question.”

Hanbin sighs, swallowing hard. 

“I-I got a job.”

Junhoe looks confused, eyebrows furrowing. 

“Congratulations? I guess?”

“It’s in Germany. And it’s permanent. Well, semi-permanent. I mean, I don’t know really. It’s for a long time though.”

Realization dawns on Junhoe’s face and he stops with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth. 

“Oh.”

He says, 

“Shit.”

Hanbin laughs, and it’s only a little bitter. 

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Have you told Jiwon yet?”

Hanbin nods. 

“Last night.”

“How’d he take it?”

Hanbin shrugs uncomfortably. 

“I…I don’t know. As good as can be expected I guess…I wasn’t going to take the offer but then… he told me I should. Said he didn’t want to hold me back.” 

Junhoe sighs, rubs at his forehead. 

“Jesus. The universe just isn’t cutting you two any breaks is it.” 

Hanbin shakes his head. They both sit in silence for a while, the air tense and awkward. Finally Junhoe speaks again, 

“Look, I’m not really best with this sort of stuff. Why didn’t you call Jinhwan or something? He’s much better with…emotional crap… then I am.”

Hanbin shrugs a little, still not quite sure why he hadn’t. Jinhwan had always been the mother hen of their little group of friends, the one everyone always went to with their problems. The one who fusses and frets and worries. And maybe that’s the reason, because Jinhwan would worry, would care. And Hanbin thinks that if Jinhwan looked at him with those soft sympathetic eyes he might scream. Junhoe’s looking at him expectantly now, waiting for an answer. He swallows hard, and when he looks to Junhoe he feels a sort of desperation threaten to drown him, 

“I need… I need to hear you say I made the right choice, say it and mean it. Please, Junhoe, tell me I’m making the right choice.”

Junhoe looks at him for a long time, quiet, and Hanbin feels like his lungs are being crushed by something to heavy to put words too, something he can’t name. 

“There aren’t any….right… choices in this world. Choices always hurt, and if they didn’t would they really be choices at all? I guess-I guess we just have to decide who we hurt and how much, and sometimes who we choose to hurt is ourselves but much more often it’s someone else who does the hurting for us. And, in the worst cases, nobody escapes unscathed. All we can do is do the best with what we choose. Right or wrong. You’ll- you’ll be alright in the end. This sucks but you gotta trust that you’ll be alright, even if it feels like you won't ever be.”

It’s too much then, it's all too much and Hanbin feels the sting of tears at the back of his eyes. 

“I- I don’t want to be alright without him.”

The words are carried on a harsh sob that tears at the inside of his chest and throat and echoes hollow in the small park. He cries then, for the first time since he met Hayi in that coffee shop, cries for the first time since Jiwon opened that door. Cries for himself and for Jiwon and for broken hearts that never get the chance to mend. He cries in silent heaving gasps, body shaking like it’s trying to tear itself apart. Junhoe doesn’t say anything, just slides a little closer till Hanbin feels the pressure of Junhoe’s knee against his, the warmth where their shoulders touch. He leans into it, taking comfort in the quiet steadiness he finds there. Junhoe waits till his sobs slow and stop before saying, 

“I’m sorry. I really truly am, for both of you.”

Hanbin nods, trying to scrub the feel of salt from his cheeks. 

“I know.”

He says, voice scratchy from tears, but it doesn’t shake as much anymore. His phone buzzes then, and he slips it out of his pocket. It’s another text from Jiwon, _Hey, you’re not answering your phone and I’m a little worried. Text me back okay?_ Hanbin looks over to Junhoe. 

“Thank you, for this. It helped. I- I have someone I have to go see now.”

Junhoe shrugs, running a hand through his hair, and smiles a little. 

“Anytime.”

The bus ride to the restaurant Jiwon work’s at is only twenty minutes but it feels so much longer. Hanbin sits, headphones in and fingers tapping nervously against his leg. There’s a new feeling in his chest, not numbness anymore, but something bright and sharp and fiery and he feels it burning impatiently against his ribs. When the bus pulls up to his stop he nearly runs off, throwing a quick thank you over his shoulder to the driver. The whole walk to the restaurant he keeps a fast pace, not quite running but not quite walking either. The sound of his feet slapping against pavement echoes loud in his ears in time with the beating of his heart. 

He finds Jiwon in the alley behind the restaurant. He’s leaning against the wall the collar of his shirt unbuttoned two buttons, smoking. Hanbin didn’t even know he smoked. He looks up at the sound of footsteps, pushing off the wall when he sees Hanbin at the mouth of the alley, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and surprise. 

“Hanbin, what are you doing here?”

It takes four steps for Hanbin to close the distance between them, four steps before he’s pressing his mouth to Jiwon’s, pushing him hard against the rough brick behind him. There’s a second where Jiwon lips are still against his, but then he’s kissing him back, arm’s coming up to wrap around Hanbin’s waist and pull him closer. Jiwon smells like oil and kimchi and sweat, and his lips still taste of cigarette. Hanbin kisses him harder, teeth scraping against each other and he feels Jiwon’s fingers dig hard into his back. 

When they finally pull away Hanbin looks at Jiwon. His bangs have fallen across his forehead in soft waves and he stares back through them, smiling crookedly.

“Man, you should visit me at work more often.”

He says, a little breathlessly, and Hanbin feels his heart ache at how much he loves this man. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t answering your messages. I was being an idiot. I-I don’t want to waste any of the time we have left together being afraid, or being sad. I just want to spend them with you.”

Jiwon’s smile weakens at that, and his eyes are a little sadder then they were a second ago but he just nods. 

“Okay.”

He says softly, breath whispering against Hanbin’s ear.

“Okay.”

He pulls Hanbin in closer then, arms tight around his shoulders and Hanbin lets his head rest on Jiwon’s shoulder, feels the thump of Jiwon’s heart against his chest. They stand there, in the back alley of the restaruant where Jiwon's works in between bags of trash and empty beer botles and cigarette butts, just holding eachother. And he’s not alright, not at all, but he thinks, someday, he might be.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! This chapter just sort of ran away with me but I hope you find the wait worth it.

Hanbin used to be afraid of the word love. Used it few and far between because he felt like that was the only way it meant something. Afraid that if he said it to often it would wear through like the ragged hem of his favorite tee shirt. Afraid that love was like a new penny, and he could erode its shine away with time and use till it was dull and brown and worn. He doesn’t think that anymore. Because love is just a word and there’s no quota, you can’t use up your love or give it away till there’s nothing left. So he says it as often as he can now. Tells Jiwon he loves him when he wakes up in the morning, tells him before he goes to sleep. He tells him when he’s leaving for work or when he knocks on Hanbin’s door after getting off a shift, tells him when they kiss.

He tells him he loves him because they only have so much time left now, and Hanbin wants Jiwon to know every second of every day that he still has him that he loves him. And maybe they weren’t meant to be together, their stars weren’t aligned or the signs weren’t right or maybe the universe just had it out for them in the end. Maybe they were just too different, too bright in their own ways, and this is for the best. Maybe there’s someone out there who will fit Hanbin like a glove and fill all the empty spaces in him and he will find new love in them, but that doesn’t change that Hanbin loved Jiwon deep and fierce and like he’s never loved anybody before and he will never love anybody again, and maybe Jiwon won’t be his last love but goddamn he loves him now and that  _matters._ Matters in a way that Hanbin never understood before and he's realizing too late.

They both try to ignore the deadline hanging over their heads. Try to forget that their days are trickling through their fingers like sand through an hour glass, and for the most part they manage. They go out, to museums and parks and beautiful places. They borrow Jinhwan’s car for a weekend and drive down the coast and run barefoot on the beach. The cool wind whips the words from the back of their throat, sea water numbing their toes and when Hanbin kisses Jiwon his skin tastes of salt and sun. So for the most part they manage, but then one of them will slip up, will say something like ‘we should do this again next year’, and then they’ll both pause because there isn’t a next year. At least not for them. There’s a next year for Jiwon, and a next year for Hanbin, but not a next year for Jiwon and Hanbin.

Hanbin tries not to think about that though, if he does he thinks he might crumble under the weight of it. Might drown in it. So they get good at brushing it off, at pretending, because Hanbin meant what he said to Jiwon in that alley. They only have a little time left together and Hanbin’ll be damned if he wastes it with tears. The way he looks at it there’s two options, he can curl up in a ball and cry over the unfairness of it all or he can square his shoulders and make every moment he has left with Jiwon matter. He knows which option looks better to him.

  
They’re walking home from drinks with their friends. It’s late but the air is warm on the bare skin of Harbin's arms and he doesn't mind so much that he forgot a jacket. He still’s drunk, much drunker then Jiwon and he sways and stumbles his way across the pavement until Jiwon rolls his eyes affectionately and pulls Hanbin's arm around his own shoulders.

“You know, you are the biggest lightweight I’ve ever met Hanbin.”

Hanbin snickers at that, letting his head loll gently to the side and Jiwon rolls his eyes. There’s a streetlight behind Jiwon’s head and the bright white light of it filters through stray strands of hair and bathes them in gold, glints off the specks of copper in his eyes and the beads of sweat that gather on his temple and neck and in that moment he takes Hanbin’s breath away. He remembers a quote he heard years ago, from some famous scientist or something, about how people are made up of the same things as stars. That every atom in your body was once a star, formed billions of years ago in the heat of some supernova and thrown across miles and miles of space till it reached earth and became  _you_. At the time he had thought it was a little cheesy. People are just people after all. Just flesh and blood and bone, certainly not stars, but looking at Jiwon in the glare of the fluorescent street light for the first time Hanbin thinks he might believe it. 

“You’re beautiful,”

He breathes, soft and wanting and wondering. Jiwon’s cheeks colors faintly and he looks away.

“And you are drunk. Wait till tomorrow morning and we’ll talk again.”

Hanbin shrugs, a little awkwardly since Jiwon’s holding onto one of his arms.

“Tomorrow morning I won’t be drunk anymore, but you’ll still be beautiful.”

Jiwon pauses then, his feet slowing and stopping on the pavement, and lets Hanbin’s arm slide from his shoulder. He turns to face Hanbin, and his face is almost pained, lines drawn into his forehead. Hanbin frowns, reaching up to smooth away the lines, but Jiwon catches his hand before it can reach his face. Cradling it gently in his own he traces the lines that crease Hanbin’s palm with wandering fingers, finally lifting it up he plants a dry kiss to the inside of Hanbin’s wrist, against the pulse of his heart.

“Why do you have to make this so hard?”

He whispers, voice ragged and low. Hanbin feels his own eyebrows crease in confusion,

“Make what hard?”

Jiwon sighs, pressing his lips to Hanbin’s palm this time.

“The thought of giving you up. I thought I’d get used to it, thought I could accept it somehow. But every fucking day you just make it harder to let you go.”

Hanbin looks down, the light-hearted atmosphere of the evening suddenly gone. He bites hard at the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood as his throat tightens.

“I’m sorry,”

He whispers. And he is sorry, sorry that he’s left a year ago and sorry that’s leaving again and sorry he’s breaking a promise he truly thought he could keep. He’s sorry for a lot of things, but mostly right now he’s sorry for the look in Jiwon’s eyes. Jiwon just shakes his head though, stroking Hanbin’s knuckles.

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the night like that.”  
  
“It’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

Hanbin says softly, watching Jiwon through his lashes. Jiwomn shakes his head again, and Hanbin recognizes the look that starts to form on his face as trouble.

“Let’s not go home.”

Hanbin stares at him, confused.

“But it’s late, don’t you have work tomorrow morning?”

Jiwon grins wide and crazy and wild and his expression makes Hanbin’s toes curl and his stomach tighten.

“Fuck work, forget about it. Let’s do something insane because we’re drunk and it’s only one in the morning and because I love you.”

Jiwon says, and wrapping his arms around Hanbin’s waist he pulls him in close and kisses him hard enough too bruise and Hanbin laughs against his lips. When he finally pulls away Hanbin asks, a little breathlessly,

“What should we do?”

Jiwon shrugs, crooked smile plastered across his face.

“I don’t know. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but never have?”

Hanbin takes a moment too think, distracted by the feeling of Jiwon’s fingers reaching beneath the hem of his t-shirt and running feather light across the bare skin of his back. Finally he lands on something,

“Well, I’ve always kind of wanted a tattoo…”

Jiwon pulls back a little, his fingers slipping out of Hanbin’s shirt much to his disappointment. His eyes are surprised but there’s a smirk on his lips,

“Mr. goody two shoes wants to get inked up?”

Hanbin slaps his arm lightly smiling back at him.

“Oh shut up, it’s not that crazy. I’m an artist and tattoos are just a slightly more permanent form of art that happens to be on your body. In a way it’s the ultimate form of dedication to the cause, you donate your own body as the canvas for the piece, there’s something beautiful about that.”

Jiwon watches him with a soft smile on his lips and a look of affection in his eyes that makes Hanbin feel warm inside. He nuzzles at Hanbin’s neck, breath ghosting along the Hanbin’s ear and whispers,

“You’re so hot when you get all artsy, you know.”

Hanbin giggles, blushing a little; partly at Jiwon’s words and partly because his neck is very sensitive. Despite the tickling sensation he doesn’t push Jiwon away however, at least not until Jiwon dips the tip of his tongue into the shell of Hanbin’s ear. Scrunching his face in disgust he mock-glares at Jiwon,

“You’re disgusting Jiwon.”

Jiwon grins, eyes disappearing into crescent shaped curves.

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I do.”

Hanbin says, kissing Jiwon again. He knows they’re in public and being gross, but in this moment he’s drunk on expensive wine and spring nights and the feeling of Jiwon’s hands underneath his shirt and he can’t bring himself too care. When they pull away again Jiwon looks at Hanbin, suddenly serious.

“Let’s do this.”  
  
He says, Hanbin just stares back in surprise.

“Seriously? I mean, I don’t know if this is a good idea… Are any tattoo places even open at this hour?”

Jiwon shrugs,

“I’m sure we can find somewhere. I’ll even get one too, if it makes you feel better.”

And maybe it’s just because he’s still drunk or maybe it’s because of the way Jiwon’s looking at him but Hanbin finds himself nodding and it’s worth it too see Jiwon’s crooked smile bloom.

They do manage to find a place that’s still open when they arrive at nearly 2 in the morning, thanks to a little help from google. It looks a sort of sketchy from the outside and Hanbin almost has second thoughts about this whole idea but before he can formulate a sentence Jiwon’s already pushing him through the door. A bored looking woman with an eyebrow piercing and too much eyeliner sits behind the front desk on her cellphone, looking up at the sound of the door swinging open.

“What can I do for two?”

She asks, voice low and husky.

“Well, um, we’re here to get tattoos. We don’t have appointments or anything, if that's alright.”

Hanbin gets out, nerves making him stumble over his words. The woman raises an eyebrow and glances around the empty shop.

“Yeah, I think we can fit you in.”

She says dryly. Hanbin hears Jiwon chuckling behind him and elbows him in the side. The woman stands, gesturing for them too follow her and they walk past the small entrance way and into the main body of the parlor.

“So, what do each of you want?”

She asks, turning back towards them. It’s at that moment Hanbin realizes he has no idea what he wants, too caught up in the excitement of their plan he hadn’t given any thought to the actual tattoo. The silence hangs for a moment too long before Jiwon jumps in,

“We’re going to choose them for each other, actually.”

He says, looking to Hanbin for approval. Hanbin takes a deep breath, deciding that if he’s going to get a tattoo while drunk at 2 in the morning he might as well not even choose it. He nods, and Jiwon smiles at him, giving his hand a quick squeeze. If the tattoo artist is nonplussed by the decision she hides it well, simply nodding and putting her hands on her hips.

“Alright then, who’s first?”

In the end it’s Hanbin who goes first, which he’s glad for because he still hasn’t decided on what his tattoo for Jiwon will be. The tattoo artist, her name is Ji Hee, is swabbing down the inside of his left forearm with disinfectant with a smell that burns at the inside of his nose, tattoo gun prepped and lying on small metal table next to the chair he’s sitting on and Hanbin’s really starting to regret the decisions that led him to this moment in his life. He’s mostly sober now, and he’s suddenly wondering if he’s making a mistake. Jiwon is sitting beside him, watching him carefully.

“You okay? You’re looking a little pale… You know she hasn’t actually started yet right?”

Hanbin nods shortly.

“I’m fine. But Jiwon, if this is something terrible I’m going to haunt you forever you understand?”

Jiwon snickers,

“I know. But don’t worry, I think you’ll love it. Don’t you trust me too chose something nice for you?”

Hanbin sighs, trying to relax his tense muscles.

“You know I do… I’m just nervous, this is permanent permanent. Like never coming off my body permanent, I think I’m allowed to be a little anxious.”

Hanbin replies. Before Jiwon can respond Ji Hee finishes up whatever’s doing in the corner.

“You ready?”

She asks, tattoo gun in hand. Hanbin takes a deep breath, steels himself, and nods.

“Okay, here we go.”

She says, and the tattoo gun whirs to life in her hand. The first line hurts, but not as bad as Hanbin thought it would, and he finds himself watching as the needle drags along his skin, blood beading to the surface behind it. Jiwon’s voice distracts him from the sight though,

“Hey! I thought we agreed no looking until both of ours are done!”

Jiwon says, and Hanbin murmurs an apology and tears his eyes away. Jiwon however isn’t bound to the same rules and he watches Ji Hee work, eyes curious.

“Is it really painful?”

He asks. Hanbin almost shrugs before he remembers why that would be a bad idea at the moment.

“No, not really. I mean it’s not fun, but it’s definitely manageable.”

As Ji hee continues, pausing occasionally to reapply ink to the tip of the needle, Hanbin tries to discern the design, something long and narrow for sure, but beyond that he has no idea.

“So, do you know what you’re going to give me yet?”

Jiwon asks, trying to distract Hanbin as Ji Hee goes over a particularly sensitive area. The guilty look on his face must give him away.

“Seriously Hanbin? She’s almost done with yours, you gotta come up with something soon!”

Hanbin frowns at him,

“I know, I know, I’m trying. It’s hard alright! This is a lot of pressure!”

At that moment Ji Hee pulls the tattoo gun back from his arm, and with a last wipe of blood and excess ink declares that Hanbin is finished. After applying Vaseline to the fresh tattoo she tapes a square of of cotton bandage over it. She still has to sanitize everything and switch out needles before she can start on Jiwon’s so Hanbin has a few minutes reprieve. Desperately he stares at Jiwon, trying to think what would best suit him, what he would want most. It’s hard to define because there are some thing's that are undeniably Jiwon in Hanbin’s mind. So many things he can’t look at anymore without thinking of him, and Jiwon is so much, so alive how can he be boiled down into just one thing? Music notes seem obvious, but too cheesy and inelegant for Hanbin’s taste, not to mention overdone. He tries to remember when he’s seen Jiwon happiest, seen him most alive and can’t help remember that night in the club. An idea starts too form, and when Ji Hee asks him if he’s ready he nods.

Jiwon goes and sits on the other side of the room as Ji Hee pulls out a pad of clean white note paper and a pencil.

“So what are you thinking?”

She asks, tip of the pencil hovering over the blank sheet of paper.

“Would you mind?”

Hanbin asks, reaching for the pencil. Ji Hee shrugs, turning the pad till its facing him and handing him the pencil.

“Yeah, be my guest.”

He works for a few minutes, lip caught between his teeth and brows furrowed in concentration. Giving it an appraising look he hands it back to Ji Hee when he’s finished. She looks it over, letting out a low whistle.

“You’re a pretty good artist.”

Hanbin laughs,

“I’d like to think so. I did go to university for four years for it.”

“So you’re an artist?”

She asks, as she starts to trace Hanbin’s design onto the guide paper. He shrugs, watching her careful, assured lines.

“Yeah, or trying to be at least. I mostly work with oils though, not pencil.”  
  
Ji Hee nods, eyes focused on her work.

“That’s cool. I’ve always liked oils. Even dipped my toe in that pool when I was younger. I found my true calling in ink though.”

With that she finishes up the trace, showing it to Hanbin for approval. It looks good, lines clean and thin and dark and he gives her a thumbs up, calling Jiwon over. He chooses the inside of Jiwon’s upper arm, and Ji Hee swabs the area down as Jiwon grins at Hanbin.

“So, did you choose something good?”

Hanbin shrugs,

“I hope so. Either way you’re going to be stuck with it.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes, scoffing.

“Oh come on Hanbin I’m sure yours will be beautiful, you’re the artist here after all, that’s gotta help.”

Hanbin just shrugs again, suddenly unsure of his choice. What if Jiwon hates it? Then his lasting memory of Hanbin will be something he doesn’t like. He crosses his arms as Ji Hee preps the tattoo gun, fingers tapping nervously on his elbow. Jiwon reaches out and carefully puts a steadying hand over Hanbin’s anxious one.

“Don’t worry,”

He says, voice soft.

“I know I’ll love it. I’d love it if it was a fucking potato Hanbin, because every time I’d look at it I’d feel you on my skin and so, in a way, you’ll be with me forever.”

And as Hanbin watches Ji Hee trace over the lines of his drawing and feels the warmth of Jiwon’s fingers on his he thinks that he never wants to forget this how this moment felt.

When she finishes Ji Hee retreats to the front of the store, supposedly to ring them up but Hanbin thinks she’s really just trying to give them some privacy.

“Who goes first?”

Jiwon asks, and even though he tries to hide it Hanbin can tell that he’s nervous. Not ready to look at his yet Hanbin silently dips his chin towards Jiwon. Jiwon nods, taking a deep breath, and starts to peel away the soft bandage over the tattoo. Hanbin watches his face carefully, seeing as the nerves fade from his eyes replaced by surprise and then watches as a smile spreads across his face. When he looks back to Hanbin he’s got that look on his face that always make Hanbin’s insides ache, eyes creased, mouth stretched so wide it looks like it’ll break and front teeth sticking out a little too much in a way that's just so Jiwon that it makes Harbin's heart stutter in his chest for a moment.

“It’s perfect.”

He breathes, fingers running over the little black microphone now inked onto his skin forever. Hanbin blushes, looking away.

“I don’t know…I came up with it really fast and the lines-”

He never gets to finish his sentence though because Jiwon reaches over and grabs him by the back of the neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Hanbin kisses him hard and messy, teeth scraping together and his hands coming up to fist in Jiwon’s hair. When they pull away from each other Hanbin’s lips feel as swollen as Jiwon’s look.

“Okay,”

Jiwon says, voice quiet and halting and breathless.

“You have to look at yours now.”

Hanbin nods nervously, and starts too pull away at the cotton pad across his forearm. The adhesive leaves lines of glue from skin to tape that stretch and stretch before snapping and Hanbin realizes he’s holding his breath. Bit by bit the piece is revealed: a thin, elegant, black and white paintbrush. It’s maybe five inches long, every bristle finely inked, the skin around it is still red and irritated but even then it’s beautiful. It’s just what Hanbin would have chosen and his breath rushes back into his chest. He vaguely hears Jiwon speaking,

“It’s not as cool as yours, like I tried to draw something but it just looked like a stick so Ji Hee fixed it for me-”

“Shut up.”

Hanbin whispers low and fierce, eyes locked onto Jiwon’s. Jiwon stops talking, eyes wide and surprised,

“Shut up, Jiwon. It’s perfect.”

“Really?”

Jiwon asks, voice fragile with hope. Hanbin nods, and thinks that somewhere along the line this stopped being about tattoos and started being about something else entirely.

Later when they’re walking home hand in hand, matching bandages on their arms, Hanbin thinks about what Jiwon had said earlier. _Every time I’d look at it I’d feel you on my skin and in that way you’ll be with me forever_. The words ring true because now every time he looks down he will see Jiwon in the ink beneath his skin, and he thinks there’s something beautiful about that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyones interested these are what I imagine their tattoos to look like!
> 
> Hanbin - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/521643569330194333/  
> Jiwon - http://www.imgrum.org/media/1262447776003906278_1471808189


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

It’s exactly one week before Hanbin leaves for Germany. He’s over at Jinhwan’s place, Jiwon is working late tonight and Yunhyeong was out with friends so Jinhwan invited Hanbin over for dinner. Hanbin had accepted happily, sitting alone in his apartment gave him too much time to think, too much time to stare at the empty walls of his apartment and imagine what could have been and he feels like he’s starting to go a little bit crazy.

It’s nice to be back, Hanbin thinks as Jinhwan opens the door to his apartment and pulls him inside with a smile. It’s been a few months now since he moved out of Jinhwan’s place-the cot in the living room is long gone-but as they sit in the small kitchen and eat it feels like only yesterday. There’s something comforting about being here again, something so achingly familiar and if Hanbin tries hard enough he can almost imagine they’re back where they started, Hanbin still fresh off the plane from New York and so innocently unaware of everything that’s going to happen to him- the good and the bad. Now though it’s different, because he didn’t just arrive, he’s getting ready to leave again and that thought tastes bitter in the back of his mouth.

They chat about nothing really during dinner, Hanbin lets Jinhwan gossip about his co-workers and smiles and laughs in all the right places and he means it, but in the back of his mind the fact that he’s leaving all this in seven days lingers no matter how hard he tries to banish it. If Jinhwan notices he’s not quite present he doesn’t show it, instead just gently prodding Hanbin to add to the conversation instead of sitting quietly.

After they finish dinner Hanbin sits curled up in his chair as Jinhwan moves around the kitchen putting things away. The whole time he can feel Jinhwan’s eyes on him even as he washes dishes and boxes up the left overs, but he pretends he doesn’t. Finally Jinhwan finishes cleaning up and drops down across from Hanbin again, still watching him carefully. When Hanbin doesn’t offer anything up he sighs, running a hand through his hair, and finally asks tentatively,

“Hanbin. Are…are you okay?”

Hanbin shrugs, avoiding his friend’s eyes.

“Do I look not okay?”

Jinhwan just rolls his eyes at that.

“Hanbin, come on, I’m not an idiot. You’re leaving for Berlin in a week, we both you’re not fine. I was _trying_ to let you open up on your own, but you're obviously dead set on avoiding that.”

It’s Hanbin’s turn to sigh, finally meeting Jinhwan’s gaze. There’s nothing in his friends eyes but concern and warmth, like always, and Hanbin can’t help but feel a little guilty for always saddling Jinhwan with his emotional baggage, not sure if he deserves the kindness he always gets from his friend. He knows he’s right of course, Hanbin isn’t even close to fine, but talking about why he’s not fine makes it seem so much more real and unavoidable. The glaring fact that he’s leaving Jiwon, and what that means for both of them laid out on the table raw and bloody and intimate. Jinhwan just waits though, not pushing him to speak just ready to listen when he does. Hanbin bites his lip, struggling find a way to put what he’s feeling into words. Finally he haltingly starts,

“It’s like… When you’re really cold it’s all you can think about, but as soon as you get warm again you forget. You know what it’s like to be cold, you’ve felt it before but suddenly it doesn’t feel real, doesn’t feel tangible anymore. It’s just a memory. That’s what it feels like with Jiwon. I’ve been without him before and been fine, I know that, but now that I’m with him I can’t imagine myself without him, I don’t know how it’ll feel.”

He takes a deep shaking breath, looking up at Jinhwan through his bangs as he feels a frantic desperation build in his chest like bubbles in a bottle of champagne.

“I just… I don’t know if I can remember how to live without him Jinhwan. And I’m scared.”

Jinhwan looks back and his eyes are sad, but he smiles, reaching out across the table to put a gentle hand over Hanbin’s shaking ones.

“Oh Hanbin, the world really hasn’t been fair to you two.”

Hanbin lets out a wet laugh, and it’s a little bitter but he thinks that’s justified all things considered.

“You could say that again. If there is such a thing as fate I must have done something in a past life to really piss it off.”

Jinhwan snorts at that.

“Well, if anybody could piss off fate it would be you two.”

He sighs again, leaning back in his chair.

“Listen Hanbin, people are messy, and feelings are messy, and we all leave ragged edges behind us wherever we go. It’s just the nature of things. I wish I had something that I could say that could make it better or help you along but I don’t, not really. I’m not going to tell you it’s not going to hurt, because it is, it’s going to be painful and messy and human and it’ll suck. And yeah you’re probably going to feel like the world is ending at first, like you’ve left your heart behind. You’ll just have to keep going, even though it hurts. And it’ll hurt and hurt and hurt and then day you’re going to wake up and realize it doesn’t anymore. You’re going to realize you were living the whole time, and didn’t even notice it. That’s the beauty of it, life happens, whether you want it to or not. Sometimes, you just have to let it.”

Hanbin’s voice is small when he replies,

“Will I stop missing him?”

Jinhwan smiles, and there’s no pity in it, only sympathy, and shakes his head.

“You won’t stop missing him, but one day missing him isn’t going to be the first thing you think about in the morning, or the last thing. Somewhere along the way he’ll become a memory, a treasured one, but a memory.”

Hanbin feels something wet trickle down his nose, and when he licks his lips he tastes salt. Confused he puts a hand to his cheek, and his fingers come away damp with tears. He stares at them blankly, surprised and betrayed. He feels something shoved into his hand and looks up to see Jinhwan handing him a tissue,

“Are you alright?”

He asks, eyes wide and concerned. Hanbin just holds the tissue like he’s forgotten what he’s supposed to do with it, just staring at his friend.

“I just- I didn’t think I had any tears left to cry about this.”

Hanbin says, voice cracking. Jinhwan doesn’t say anything, just takes Hanbin into his arms and lets Hanbin sob into his shoulder.

Jiwon’s already in bed asleep by the time Hanbin gets home from Jinhwan’s. Technically the lease on Hanbin’s place isn’t up for another two weeks but with all Hanbin’s stuff packed or moved into storage he’s basically been living with Jiwon, not that either of them really mind. The table lamp in their bedroom is still on and Jiwon’s notebook is lying abandoned on his chest, a pencil still clasped in his hand. Hanbin smiles at the sight, feeling a soft wave of affection bloom in his chest. Picking the notebook up he sets it aside before gently extricating the pencil from Jiwon’s grasp. He moves around the room, quietly changing into a pair of Jiwon’s sweats and getting ready for bed. After brushing his teeth he switches off the light and climbs under the covers, careful not to wake Jiwon. He doesn’t close his eyes though, instead he lays on his side, head propped up on his elbow, and just watches Jiwon sleep. The moon is almost full and pale light filters in through the high set window, painting Jiwon’s skin silver. He looks so peaceful, lips slightly open and chest gently rising and falling with each soft breath. Hanbin reaches out and brushes soft bangs away from Jiwon’s forehead, letting his fingers trace the line of Jiwon’s brow, past his temple, down along his cheek bone. Jiwon stirs under his touch, eyes drifting open as his head turns towards Hanbin.

“You’re back.”

He says, voice drowsy, but a smile blooms on his lips. Hanbin smiles back, drinking in the sight of half awake Jiwon. Jiwon stares back, eyes half closed.

“What are you thinking about?”

He asks, words slurred with sleep. Hanbin shakes his head, thumb moving in gentle circles along the side of Jiwon’s face.

“Nothing,”

Hanbin murmurs,

“Go back to sleep.”

Jiwon gives a little nod, and with a light sigh his eyes slip closed again. He rolls towards Hanbin, slipping his arms around Hanbin’s waist and pulling him close and Hanbin lets him, fitting himself into the curve of Jiwon’s body. He doesn’t go to sleep for a while though, just closes his eyes and listens to Jiwon’s breath whisper in his ear, feels Jiwon’s arms warm and heavy around him. Jinwhan’s words from earlier in the night echo in his ears, somewhere along the way he’ll become a memory. He wants to believe him, to be able to let go and look back on moments like these as nothing but a bittersweet memory, but there’s another part of him that wants to cling to Jiwon with both arms and never let go and he isn’t sure which part of him is stronger yet. Doesn’t know which part he wants to win.

The next morning Hanbin sits curled up on the couch watching cartoons as Jiwon makes breakfast in kitchen. He can hear the clatter of cupboards and dishes as he moves around the cramped space, and Hanbin grins as he hears a particularly loud crash followed by a yelp and low curse. He thinks about getting up to go help him, but the couch is comfy and the sun is warm on the back of his neck so he decides to let Jiwon handle it on his own.

As he waits Hanbin thinks about all the firsts he’s had with Jiwon, the first time their eyes locked on campus, their first smile, first kiss. And there are times when he wishes he could turn back the clock, just so he could experience those firsts all over again, feel the way his heart had pounded in his chest like it wanted to take flight and his hands had trembled with fear and hope and anticipation. But then Jiwon walks out of the kitchen carrying a plate of pancakes in each hand and presses a gentle kiss to his lips, collapsing onto the couch beside him, and Hanbin remembers that the 500th time still feels like the first.

Jiwon has the day off and the weather’s beautiful so they decide to spend it outside. They buy kimbap and iced tea at the convenience store on the corner and take the bus down to the Han. Finding an unpopulated spot on the grass by the riverbank they spread out a blanket and kick off their shoes, settling in. They eat their lunch, Hanbin laughing so hard his sides ache when Jiwon stuffs a roll in each of his cheeks, looking like a manic chipmunk and grinning wildly at him with rice spilling out of his mouth. Hanbin brought a deck of cards and they play for a while till a gust of wind nearly blows them all away and they have to call it quits. Finally they just lay back, side by side, eyes closed as the worlds moves around them. The sun is warm against Hanbin’s skin, he can feel grass tickling the ends of his toes. He thinks that if the world froze and they lived the rest of their lives in this moment he’d be happy.

Jiwon’s humming something beside him, something soft and sweet that tastes like memory on the back of Hanbin’s tongue. The breeze carries his voice past Hanbin, up and away and Hanbin can imagine it dancing along with the wispy clouds that drift aimlessly across the unflinchingly blue sky, soaring like a paper plane. He smiles, lips curving up at the corners. Jiwon nudges him, and he opens his eyes but doesn’t turn his head, squinting against the sun.

“What’re you smiling about?”

Jiwon asks. Hanbin just shrugs,

“It’s a secret.”

When Jiwon replies Hanbin can almost hear the pout in his voice and he can’t help but smile a little wider.

“There shouldn’t be any secrets between us right?”

Hanbin just watches the clouds skim by and says nothing. At his refusal to talk Jiwon starts to sit up, crossing his legs and looking for all the world like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Hanbin can’t help but laugh and reaching up grabs a fist of Jiwon’s t-shirt, yanking him back down. Jiwon lets him, only flailing a little on the way down.

“ Come on, don’t be such a baby!”

It’s Jiwon’s turn to stare at the sky, arms folded across his chest and chin set obstinately. Hanbin rolls his eyes,

“Are you seriously going to lie there and mope?”

Jiwon studiously doesn’t look his way, eyes glued to the sky.

“I’m not moping.”

Hanbin props himself up on one elbow, giving Jiwon a look.

“Oh really? ‘Cause it sure looks like you’re moping from where I’m sitting.”

Jiwon stubbornly ignores him, and Hanbin smirks, an idea blooming in his head. Slowly he reaches over with one hand, careful to keep it out of Jiwon’s line of sight and pinches lightly at Jiwon’s side where he knows he’s especially ticklish. Jiwon flinches away, bending away from Hanbin’s fingers. Finally turning his head from the sky he glares at Hanbin with betrayal in his eyes.

“You wouldn’t!”

He whispers theatrically. Hanbin just raises an eyebrow,

“Oh I think we both know I would.”

And then he attacks Jiwon with both hands this time as Jiwon shrieks and writhes away. Hanbin doesn’t let up until he hears a loud, disapproving cough and freezes, looking over in the direction it came from. There’s a mother standing a few feet away, holding hands with a little girl who can’t be more then five or six looking at them with wide eyes. Hanbin suddenly realizes that somewhere in the middle of their tickle fight he’d straddled Jiwon, one hand pinning his wrists against the blanket and that it’s broad daylight and they’re in the middle of a very busy very public park. Hanbin feels his face warm as he slowly slides off Jiwon, silently mouthing an apology at the woman as she leads her daughter away huffily.

Hanbin slides down onto the blanket beside Jiwon burying his face in his hands as Jiwon laughs.

“You should have seen your face Hanbin, I thought you were going to have a heart attack!”

Hanbin shakes his head, weakly slapping Jiwon’s arm.

“It’s not funny,”

He moans,

“I think we just defiled a child’s innocence Jiwon!”

Jiwon just laughs louder at that, clutching at his stomach and wheezing and eventually Hanbin has no choice to but to join in and so they laugh and laugh and the sun is shining on their faces and for the first time that week Hanbin manages to forget what he’s losing.

They lie there on the blanket by the river till the sun sinks away behind the skyscrapers and the sky fades from blue to orange-pink to purple. It’s only when stars start to twinkle brightly above them like rhinestones spilled onto velvet do they start to head home. It’s only a mile or two to the apartment so they decide not to take the bus, it’s not that cold and neither of them want the night to end. They walk side by side, hands swinging gently and arms almost brushing skin against skin but not _quite_ touching.

And sometimes the moments they don’t touch turn Hanbin on more then when they do. When they hover close enough to feel the heat of each other’s skin, to feel breath hot on their necks. The feeling makes the hair on the back of Hanbin’s neck stand on the end, the way they strain together but never quite make it, just the lightest brush of skin on skin, lips against cheeks. It makes Hanbin crazy, but in the best way. And when they finally do touch Hanbin feels it like lightening in every place their bodies come together.

As soon as they get inside Jiwon’s apartment, before the door even swings all the way closed, Hanbin has his lips pressed against Jiwon’s, hands scrabbling at the hem of his shirt as Jiwon hands cup his jaw. They stumble blindly through the dark apartment, bumping against chairs and bruising shins on coffee tables until Hanbin feels the edge of the couch hit the back of his knees and then he falls, pulling Jiwon down with him as they collapse in a tangle of arms and legs and need.

They kiss for what feels like hours, till Hanbin’s lips feel numb. Jiwon weight is heavy on top of him, pinning him to the couch and crushing the air from his lungs but Hanbin doesn’t mind. He wants to feel Jiwon’s body pressed against his, feel every single place they touch. Jiwon pulls away for a second, breath ragged in his throat and face hidden by shadow.

“Do you want to know why I was smiling?”

Hanbin breathes, words rasping in his throat. Jiwon nods silently.

“I was smiling because I was thinking about the first time we met, and how I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I saw you.”

Hanbin can’t see Jiwon’s expression in the darkness, but he leans down to kiss him again and Hanbin feels his answer in the way he presses his lips to Hanbin’s forehead, and then the tip of his nose, and then, soft and sweet and gentle, to his lips, and it says, I have always loved you too, and in that moment it’s enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jiwon was humming is Who do you love by The Black Skirts. It's really beautiful and nostalgic, a great listen if you have the time!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guess who's back after literally months! If anybody is still reading this I'm really sorry for the long hiatus. I had a lot of personal stuff going on and this kind of took and backseat. I'm back though, and ready to finish this story up! This will be the second to last chapter and I hope to have the last one up next weekend. So sorry again, and enjoy!

Hanbin’s last week in Korea is a week of goodbyes.

He has his final day of work, which is bittersweet. At the end of the shift they close the café early, Taehyun flicks off the lights and Suenghoon emerges from the back with a cake, beautifully decorated, Good Luck Hanbin! Written in delicate looping letters on the top. Hanbin smiles, and lets them smear icing on his face even though it isn’t his birthday.

Later, as he’s getting ready to leave and everyone else is in the kitchen cleaning up Yunhyeong catches him alone.

“Hey.”

He says, walking up to where Hanbin’s searching through his backpack for his headphones. Hanbin looks at him a little confused. Yunhyeong’s nice and all, but they’ve never really had any interaction that didn’t include Jinhwan before.

“Hey.”

He replies. Yunhyeong shifts a little awkwardly, one hand running through his hair.

“I don’t know if Jinhwan ever mentioned it, but I like to do photography in my spare time. I hope this doesn’t come off as really weird…” He sighs, reaching into his pocket and pulls out an envelope, handing it over to Hanbin. “I promise I’m not a stalker or a weirdo or anything.”

Hanbin takes the envelope, wondering what could possibly be in it that would make Yunhyeong say that. Opening the top flap he reaches inside and pulls out a thin stack of glossy photographs. Setting the envelope aside on the table he starts to look through them. They’re all of him and Jiwon. Yunhyeong’s still talking, hands gesticulating nervously in front of him

“Whenever I go to parties or hang out with friends I just like to snap pictures of people. Mostly just on my phone or whatever, and I take them of everyone, not just you guys or anything.”

Hanbin’s half listening to him, nodding along, but most of his focus is on the photos in his hands. There’s a few of him or Jiwon alone, but mostly it’s of them together. Sometimes they’re talking, sometimes they’re laughing, sometimes they’re just standing together, almost close enough to touch. There’s something personal to the pictures, something intimate and candid in the moments they capture.

“They’re beautiful.”

He says quietly, interrupting Yunhyeong who’s still rambling away. He pauses, surprised.

“Oh. Um, thank you.” His tone seems a little nonplussed, like he wasn’t expecting that reaction. “I just thought, with you leaving and everything, you might like to have them.”

Hanbin nods, slipping the photos back into the envelope.

“That’s… that’s really kind of you. It means a lot.”

Yunhyeong shrugs, face creasing into a wide open smile, and in that moment Hanbin can see why Jinhwan likes him so much.

“It’s the least I could do. Any friend of Jinhwan is a friend of mine, you know. And he really cares about you, I can tell.”

“Yeah. I care about him too.”

Hanbin says softly. At that moment Taehyun pokes his head out of the kitchen.

“Hey! Yunhyeong! Get in here and help. Unlike Hanbin you still work here you know.”

Yunhyeong rolls his eyes,

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Be there in a second.”

Taehyun’s head disappears, door swinging shut behind him and Yunhyeong turns back to Hanbin.

“Well, duty calls.” He says, hooking a thumb back towards the kitchen. “Anyways, I really hope everything works out for you man, with Germany and your art and all that.”

Hanbin smiles.

“Yeah, so do I.”

With a last wave Yunhyeong heads for the kitchen door. Hanbin watches him go, and then calls out to him.

“ Yunhyeong, hold on.”

Yunhyeong turns back, questioning look on his face.

“I just wanted to say that I’ve never see Jinhwan talk about anyone the way he talks about you. I really think he loves you, the kind of love that sticks.”

There’s a moment where Hanbin words process and then Yunhyeong smiles, eye’s creasing into little half circles and cheeks stretching. He laughs a little, one hand reaching up to run through his hair.

“I hope you’re right,” he says, still grinning a little dopily. “Because I think I really love him too.”

Before Hanbin can reply Taehyun’s muffled voice echoes from the kitchen, shouting Yunhyeong’s name. Yunhyeong winces,

“Guess I should get back there huh.”

Hanbin grins,

“Yeah you probably should. Those two need some adult supervision. ” And then, as Yunhyeong’s walking away he calls out one last time, “And hey, Yunhyeong, good luck.”

Yunhyeong grins back at him, flashing him a thumbs up.

“Yeah, good luck to you too.”

And then he’s gone, and Hanbin’s left standing with an envelope full of pictures and a heart that doesn’t ache quite as much as it did a few minutes ago.

On the bus on his way home Hanbin pulls the pictures out again and flips through them. One in particular catches his eye and he pauses, staring at it. It’s of the both of them, they’re sitting next to each other at what looks like Woodstock. Hanbin’s looking to the left, out of the frame, and laughing at something. Jiwon’s looking left too, but he’s staring directly at Hanbin, and there’s a look of tenderness on his face that Hanbin’s never seen before. He’s looking at Hanbin like people look at the moon and stars and sunsets, looking at him like he’s something beautiful and magnificent and wonderful.

He thinks back to that photo he left behind a year ago, and how it had always felt like Jiwon was not quite there, not all the way. Thinks it’s funny, because now Hanbin’s the one looking to the future and Jiwon’s the one who’s trying to hold on to the present.

Two days before he leaves Jinhwan throws a little going away party for him at Woodstock. Everyone’s there, Junhoe and Suhyun, Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, even Hayi shows up a little late with Chanwoo. It’s nice and Hanbin appreciates the effort, even has fun but the night is shaded with a more somber mood. He smiles and laughs in all the right places but he’s half on autopilot. He thinks Jiwon can tell, because he keeps throwing little worried glances in Hanbin’s direction but Hanbin doesn’t give him the chance to say anything.

Finally Jiwon gets him alone, and Hanbin can tell he’s going to ask if he’s alright and he doesn’t have the energy to lie to him. Instead, before Jiwon can get the question out, he calls out over his head to their friends.

“Hey, anybody want another drink?”

There’s a chorus of affirmatives and with a reassuring grin Hanbin heads to the bar to order their next round, feeling Jiwon’s eyes on his back all the way. Mino glances up at him as he makes their drinks, smile still as flirtatious as ever.

“So,” he asks as he pours out a shot of vodka. “What are you celebrating tonight?”

Hanbin smiles wryly.

“It’s my farewell party actually. I’m heading to Germany for a job.”

Mino raises an eyebrow.

“So soon? I feel like you just got back.”

Hanbin sighs, turning to look at his friends laughing and chatting back at their table.

“Yeah. I feel like that too.”

Jiwon’s talking to Junhoe, and he must make a joke because he throws his head back and laughs. Hanbin watches him for a second, smiling a little, but it’s a smile tinged with bitterness. Mino follows his gaze.

“You know, in my experience, the leaving? It get’s easier every time.”

He says, pushing forward the drinks. Hanbin takes them and thinks that he wishes that were true.

The night gets later and later, people trickling out of the bar till they’re nearly the only ones left. There’s a few people still here, drunk or lonely or both but they keep to the corners. Mino slips out from behind the bar, moving forward to the little stage and starting to dismantle the karaoke equipment that they bring out every Friday night but Jiwon jumps up before he can, walking over to him and whispering something quietly in his ear before passing something small to him Hanbin can’t make out. Mino nods, and stands, walking over to the laptop controlling the music and sticks a flash drive into it. After a few minutes of clicking he gives Jiwon a thumbs up and a soft, smooth beat starts to echo through bar.

Jiwon moves to pick up the mic and winks at Hanbin with that crooked smile on his lips. Hanbin just watches him, confused. He glances around to his friends but they look just as lost as he does, staring at Jiwon in confusion.

“This is a goodbye present for my most important person.” Jiwon says, voice soft. “I hope you can take it with you wherever you go.”

And with that he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and starts honest to god singing. Hanbin’s never heard him sing before, not even once, and it’s beautiful. Soft and sweet and a little raspy and right now it’s thick with emotion.

_You never know how I feel baby_  
_When you kissed me, you driving me crazy_  
_Oh you make my life complete_  
_Oh yes you do_

_When I’m by your side, the world plays a song for me sometimes_  
_Even if I hurt you, don’t ever let go of my hand_  
_Just let ‘em keep on realize that_

_That you’re in love, that you’re in love_  
_Baby I’m in love_  
_It’s like a love that will never come and find me ever again_  
_I’m in love yes I’m in love with you_

_I sometimes become poison to you_  
_I might make you have a hard time baby_  
_But when time passes and I look back_  
_I hope you’re smiling my baby_

_So come and take my hand_  
_I’ll hold it when you’re about to fall_  
_I will walk with you when nobody is there_  
_I won’t let go of your hand ‘cause I’m in love with you_

_I know what I’m lacking in and I repeat my mistakes at you_  
_But I just want to let you know that I’m just young and I’m a fool_  
_I know I couldn’t give you satisfaction and that this is goodbye_  
_But take a little time for your only one_  
_You know baby I’m in love with you_

_Just come on and share your love_  
_It’s like a love that will never come and find me ever again_  
_I’m in love yes I’m in love with you_

  
Jiwon finishes, the last words echoing into the microphone as the music slowly fades out and he’s looking at Hanbin with such honesty and love in his eyes and it hurts. Hanbin stands abruptly, his chair clattering loudly behind him. Everybody’s looking up at him now, concern and confusion on their faces and Jiwon’s still looking at him and it’s like staring into the sun for too long. Before Hanbin really realizes what he’s doing his feet are leading him to the door, not running but not quite walking either. Jiwon calls out from behind him but Hanbin ignores it.

Once he’s out of the bar he walks blindly to the alley beside it, letting himself sink to the ground, back against the smooth concrete of the wall. The cool night air feels good against his skin after the muggy heat of the bar and he takes a few deep shaky breaths, trying to get himself under control. It kind of works.

A second later he hears footsteps approaching and knows just from the sound who they belong too, but he doesn’t look up, eyes focused on a crack in the pavement between his feet. There’s the sound of rustling fabric as someone kneels in front of him, the familiar scent of cologne, and then there’s long slender fingers on his chin tilting his face up. Jiwon’s looks at him, eyebrows pulled tight in concern and the edges of his lips tugging downwards. Hanbin has to resist the urge to reach out and smooth away the lines.

“Hey,” Jiwon says gently, “What’s the matter?”

Hanbin bites at the inside of his lip, eye’s flicking away from Jiwon’s.

“It’s nothing.”

Jiwon hesitates for a moment, and then softly asks,

“Was it the song? Did you not like it? I was worried it might be too much and embarrassing and-”

Hanbin shakes his head violently, interrupting Jiwon.

“No! No it wasn’t the song. The song was so fucking beautiful, Jiwon, I mean it. It’s just…”

He swallows hard, clenching his fists by his side. There’s the familiar stinging sensation at the back of his eyes again, but he refuses to cry. He’s so tired of crying. Instead he laughs, a little wet and ragged.

“It’s just you keep making it so hard to leave, you asshole.”

There’s a pause as Jiwon processes the words and then he laughs too, a short little stumbling thing that’s not quite happy but it might be close enough.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was inconveniencing you with my heartfelt declaration of love.”

He says jokingly, taking a seat next to Hanbin, close enough that their shoulders touch. Hanbin lets out a breathy little huff that could have been a laugh if his heart wasn’t breaking.

“It’s funny isn’t it, how good we are at hurting each other even when we don’t mean too.”

Jiwon lets his head fall back against the alley wall, staring up to where the stars are almost visible through the light pollution and wispy summer clouds.

“Yeah. But maybe that’s how you know it’s real, y’know? That we can hurt each other this much, and still somehow manage to find our way back from it?”

Hanbin nods.

“Yeah. Or maybe we’re just crazy.”

Jiwon smiles,

“Whose to say it isn’t a little bit of both.”

Hanbin thinks that’s probably true. Their love’s a little crazy, a little fucked up, a little rough at the edges but it’s theirs and no one else’s and sometimes Hanbin thinks it’s the realest thing he’s ever known. It’s like scraped elbows and bloody lips and bruised knees that you can’t stop poking because even though it hurts there’s something sweet to the pain. It’s the ache that comes just before the healing, that taste of whiskey at the back of your throat. It’s the slow climb and the long drop all at once. So maybe they’re both a bit insane, and maybe this was never supposed to work in the long run, and maybe they drew more blood then kisses, but Hanbin wouldn’t have it any other way. And if it was a mistake, then it’s the best one he’s ever made.

After a few minutes Jiwon stands, reaching a hand down to Hanbin.

“Come on,” he says, “We should get back before they start to think we’re just banging in the alley or something.”

Hanbin snorts, but lets Jiwon pull him to his feet. And he thinks, as he follows Jiwon back to the bar, that maybe this is why they work. Because even though they hurt each other like nobody else can, they fix each other too, and at the end of the day that’s what matters the most. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Love is my favorite song off of Bobby's album, and I couldn't help but think of this story when I heard it. There's something just so heartfelt and heartbreaking about it, and I think it really suits them.


	28. Chapter 28

The last day before Hanbin leaves they keep for themselves. They make chocolate chip pancakes and eat them in bed, watch stupid corny movies and order jajangmyeon and cuddle on the couch to sound of smooth R&B and most of all they don’t think about tomorrow.

After dinner they go down to Hanbin’s apartment one last time. It’s empty now, everything packed up and back into storage or in Hanbin’s suitcase upstairs. He stands in the middle of the room and looks around at bare walls, the scuff marks where Donghyuk had let one end of the couch drag as they were moving it out, the little stain of red paint on the floorboards where Hanbin had been careless and let his brush drop. Jiwon stands beside him, their elbows just knocking together.

“You okay?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He says, and it’s not a lie. It’s a little sad, in the way that empty rooms often are, but other then that Hanbin can’t muster up much emotion about it. He’d barely spent anytime here, barely had time to move in before he was moving out again. And in the end it’s just a place, and places are easy to let go of. It’s not home. Home is standing next to him, home is gentle hands and messy hair and dark eyes. Home is much harder to give up.

“Hey,” Jiwon says, reaching over and turning Hanbin to face him, foreheads pressing together gently. “I know that face. Stop thinking so much, alright?”

Hanbin nods,

“Alright.” He whispers, breath just brushing against Jiwon’s lips. “I won’t think at all.”

They kiss, but there’s a sadness too it, a goodbye hidden in the way their teeth scrape together at the edges. He pulls off Jiwon’s shirt and lets his hands run along the planes of his chest, lingers on the feel of his heart thumping beneath Hanbin’s fingers, but that’s as far as they get. They want this to be love, not lust. They end up just lying on the floor of Hanbin’s empty living room, staring at the ceiling. It’s too warm to touch, air sticky and humid so instead they just lay next to each other, fingertips brushing. The ceiling fan hums quietly in the background, gently stirring the air in the apartment. Jiwon tilts his head till he’s looking at Hanbin, eyes dark in the dim light.

“Can you promise me something?”

Hanbin feels his breath catch in his throat,

“Anything.”

He whispers, and he means it. Right now if Jiwon asked for his heart he’d pull it from his chest bloody and beating and tell him it was already his, has been since they first kissed with wet socks on their feet and cigarette smoke on their lips and hope in the way they held each others hands. No, has been since Jiwon first smiled that crooked smile of his at Hanbin as they passed each other on campus and somewhere deep inside Hanbin had just known.

“Just… Don’t forget about me.”

Hanbin almost laughs at the thought of ever forgetting Jiwon. Thinks that would be like forgetting the sun, or that 1 plus 1 equals two. Forgetting Jiwon would be like forgetting gravity. He doesn’t though laugh though, just pushes himself up on his elbows and leans over and kisses Jiwon soft and sweet and gentle. Jiwon kisses back, one hand reaching up to wrap his fingers in Hanbin’s hair. After a minute Hanbin pulls back a little, hovering over Jiwon close enough to feel every breath against his skin.

“I promise.”

He whispers, and feels Jiwon’s fingers tighten in his hair, drawing him closer. Hanbin kisses him again, and this time he doesn’t pull away, this time he lets himself fall.

Hanbin doesn’t sleep that night, just watches the ceiling as it fades from black to grey to buttery yellow with the rising of the sun. At six he gets up, careful not to wake Jiwon. He moves quietly through the apartment, showering, getting dressed. Everything that he’s bringing with him is already packed in a suitcase by the door. His ticket is sitting on the on the kitchen table next to his passport. It’s strange, how similar it feels to a year ago, and yet it’s completely different at the same time. Then Hanbin had been so eager, eyes focused on the future and excitement licking at his heels but now all he can think about is the past and what he’s giving up. He considers trying to eat something but even the thought of toast makes his belly flip uncomfortably.

He hears a creak behind him and turns to see Jiwon leaning in the doorframe of their bedroom, arms crossed across his chest. His eyes are still bleary and hair rumpled, over sized t-shirt hanging off of his narrow shoulders and the early morning shadows paint his face pale like a ghost. There’s something so soft and vulnerable to him in that moment that it makes Hanbin’s stomach ache.

“Hey.” Jiwon whispers, voice still rough with sleep. “You’re up early.”

Hanbin just shrugs.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Jiwon nods, eyes flicking to the suitcase by the door and then back to Hanbin.

“Me neither.”

He says, wandering over the couch and falling into it, his legs curled up to his chest. Hanbin follows, sinking down next to him. Jiwon leans into him, resting his head on Hanbin’s shoulder and Hanbin lets him, relaxing into all the places their bodies touch.

They sit in silence for a long time, in the pale predawn light of their apartment. It feels wrong, to know that he’s leaving, to know that he’s not coming back. Finally Jiwon breaks the quiet air,

“This is real isn’t it. You’re really going today.”

His voice is barely a whisper but it feels loud. Hanbin nods.

“Yeah. It’s real.”

Jiwon’s hand makes its way to Hanbin’s, fingers gently twining together and somehow that’s enough.

Hanbin’s scheduled a taxi for 7:30. They’d both agreed that Jiwon wouldn’t come with him to the airport, it would be too hard for both of them. At 7:25 Jiwon carefully pulls his fingers out from between Hanbin’s. His hand feels cool without Jiwon’s in it, and Hanbin wonders if it will ever feel warm again.

“It’s time.”

Jiwon says softly. Hanbin nods, but doesn’t move. Jiwon smiles a little, shaking his head and standing.

“Come on, don’t want to miss your flight.”

He says, reaching down to pull Hanbin to his feet. He lets him, but all he can think is would it really be so bad if he missed his flight? Even just a few more days with Jiwon, a few more hours seem so precious now. He knows he can’t hide away here though, not when Hayi and Germany and his future is waiting for him, but it’s still a nice thought.

Jiwon moves around him, throwing his sweatshirt at him, grabbing his ticket and passport and tucking them into the pocket of his backpack, and all the while Hanbin stands still and quiet in the midst of it. Finally there’s nothing left for Jiwon to do, and so he settles for fussing with the straps of Hanbin’s bag, twisting and untwisting them. Hanbin reaches up and grabs Jiwon’s wrists, stopping his fidgeting.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

He says with a conviction he’s not quite sure he feels. Jiwon smiles, let’s his hands fall against Hanbin’s shoulders.

“I know.”

Jiwon whispers. Hanbin lets go of his wrists and pulls him in close wrapping his arms around narrow shoulders and Jiwon does the same, fingers digging into skin hard enough to hurt. Hanbin thinks he might be shaking, or maybe it’s Jiwon, or maybe the both of them are just shaking to pieces in each other’s arms.

They stand like that for a long time, till Hanbin’s arms start to go numb and ache but he doesn’t let go, because once he does he’s letting go forever, once he lets go it’s over. Finally they’re interrupted by the buzzing of Hanbin’s phone in his pocket, it’s probably the taxi driver calling. Slowly, painfully, they let each other go. Jiwon’s eyes are glassy but he doesn’t cry, just smiles down at Hanbin.

“So I guess this is goodbye.”

Jiwon says. Hanbin nods.

“I guess so.”

He replies. It’s funny, because he’s practiced this moment a thousand times, they’ve said goodbye a hundred different ways, but now that the moments here he can’t find the words to say. So he doesn’t say anything, just stares at a little ragged hole in the neck of Jiwon’s t-shirt. Eventually Jiwon breaks the silence.

“Text me when you land, okay?”

Hanbin nods.

“Yeah, of course.”

He says, and they both pretend his voice isn’t shaking. Turning he around he reaches for his suitcase, hiking his backpack higher onto his shoulders. Jiwon walks him to the door, and they both pause for a moment there. Jiwon reaches out and takes his free hand, thumb tracing a gentle circle on the inside of Hanbin’s wrist.

“I’m going to miss you every day.”

He whispers, his cracking and bending like tall trees in a storm. Hanbin looks down at Jiwon’s hand in his, thinks about how this is the last time he’ll hold Jiwon and feel like he’s holding the world. Thinks about miss is such an inadequate word to use, because you miss things like the sun when it’s raining, or your favorite restaurant after it goes out of business. You don’t miss oxygen between breathes, you just breath it. And without it, you suffocate. Hanbin feels like he might be suffocating with his lungs full of air.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Me too.”

Hanbin’s phone buzzes again and this time he really has to leave. It takes almost more strength then he thinks he has to walk away. They don’t let go of each other till they have to, and as Jiwon’s fingers slip from his grasp and Hanbin’s hand falls limply to his side he feels a sense of loss yawning dark and wide and gaping inside of him like a chasm in the middle of his chest where his heart used to be.

He looks back as he’s walking down the hall, glancing over his shoulder one last time. Jiwon’s still standing in the doorway watching him go, small and pale in his baggy t-shirt. Their eyes meet and Jiwon manages a smile, waving goodbye, and then slowly starts to close the door. Hanbin watches it swing, and then, just before it closes he shouts,

“I love you!”

And it’s a question, just like it was a year ago. Jiwon’s smiles grows a little stronger at that and he nods.

“I love you to.”

He calls back, and it’s all the answer Hanbin needs.

He’s quiet in the taxi, watching as the buildings and sidewalks flash by. It’s still early enough that rush hour traffic hasn’t set in yet and they glide smoothly through the slowly waking city. It’s funny, he should be happy, should be excited. He’s about to get on a plane headed for the start of the rest of his life, the start of his dream job. He’s not excited though, instead it just feels like he’s walking to his own funeral.

Hayi’s already at the airport, standing near the help kiosks, head bent over her phone. Despite the early hour she looks as put together as ever, hair neat and clothes comfortable but still neat. Hanbin looks down at his own worn jeans and Columbia hoodie and suddenly feels underdressed.

He waves at her as he gets closer and she looks up and smiles.

“Hey. I was getting worried you weren’t going to show.”

She says jokingly, grinning. Hanbin smiles weakly, but thinks how close that was to being true. She bends over and grabs her luggage, hoisting it up off the ground.

“Come on,” she says, “we should go get these checked in.”

Hanbin nods and follows her to luggage check, taking their place in the lengthy line. They both stand silently as they wait, and Hanbin has time to think, too much time maybe. He thinks about his future. The way he sees it there’s two paths in front of him. There’s one where he goes to Germany, where he takes the job and does what he loves and lives his dream. There’s one where he stays, stays with Jiwon and maybe he finds a job just as good or maybe he doesn’t. The choice should be easy, but it isn’t. It’s the hardest choice Hanbin’s ever had to make.

The thing is, it should be easy, because who doesn’t want to live out their dreams? But the more Hanbin thinks about it the more he realizes his dreams aren’t the same as they once were. He still wants to follow his dreams, still wants what he wanted a year ago, but now he wants to do it all with Jiwon at his side. And he realizes right then, that all this time he’s been forcing himself to be happy about this. That all the times he told himself it would hurt but it would be worth it were lies. He won’t be happy, if he goes, no matter how great the job is or how beautiful Berlin is or who sees his paintings he won’t be happy.

“I can’t do this.”

He whispers, more to himself then to anyone else. Hayi looks at him, confused.

“Can’t what? I know the line is a pain but-“

Hanbin shakes his head.

“No, not the line. I can’t do this.” He says, gesturing broadly around him. “I can’t…I can’t leave.”

Hayi stares at him, eyes wide and shocked.

“Are you serious Hanbin? You can’t be serious. You’ve already taken the job, everything’s already arranged!”

She asks disbelievingly. He nods, clenching his jaw resolutely.

“I know. And I’m really really sorry. But I just… I can’t do it. I won’t. I’ll deal with any consequences, I’m okay with that.”

For a long second it looks like Hayi is going to protest, mouth open and eyebrows drawn half incredulous and half angry, but then something in her face softens and she sighs reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose, closing her eye. She takes a deep breath, and then opens her eyes.

“I’m your business partner, and I want you to succeed and to see your talent recognized.” She says, “ But I’m also your friend, and as your friend I want you to be happy. And I can see that this won’t make you happy.”

Hanbin stares at her in surprise. To be honest he had expected more outrage, and less support.

“Are you…”

He trails off halfway through the sentence, not quite sure what he’s asking. She nods.

“For whatever god forsaken reason I’m saying go home, go be with him. I’ll fly to Germany and deal with this. Try to do some damage control so that it doesn’t blow up in your face.”  
  
Hanbin grins, reaching out and pulling her into a hug. She makes a little surprised noise in the back of her throat, body stiff and unyielding at first, but after a moment she relaxes into the embrace.

“Don’t think this means your forgiven.” She says, voice muffled by his chest. “You and I are having words when I get back. And you owe me big time.”

Hanbin nods, pulling away.

“I know I do. Whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

Hayi smiles a little,

“I’ll think of some appropriate form of payback on the 11 hour flight I have to look forward to. Now go,” she says, waving a hand at him, “Get out of here before I come to my senses and realize how insane this is.”   
  
Hanbin gives her a little salute, grabbing his suitcase and ducking out of the line.

“Yes sir!”

He calls as he starts to run for the exit. He nearly plows over an elderly couple and a businessman in a crisp black suit in his mad dash for the street, slowing just enough to call out quick apologies over his shoulder before he’s off again. It’s silly really, he thinks as he hails down a cab, to rush like this when now he has all the time in the world ahead of him. He wants to see Jiwon though, wants to tell him he’s not leaving him now or ever, wants to see the crooked grin on his face as kiss the wrinkles that form by his eyes when he smiles and feel Jiwon’s skin against his lips. It’s silly, but it’s love.

The taxi ride back to Jiwon’s apartment can’t go by fast enough. His fingers tap out an anxious rhythm on his knee as he chews at the inside of his lip. The taxi driver glances at his suitcase in the rear view mirror and then at Hanbin’s dancing fingers.

“Excited to be home?”

He asks. Hanbin can’t but help but laugh a little at that, since he never even really left.

“Yeah, I am.”

As soon as the taxi pulls up in front of Jiwon’s apartment he’s bundling himself out the door, handing the driver a few bills from his wallet without waiting for change. He just misses the elevator up so he turns and makes for the stairwell, panting his way up to Jiwon’s floor, out the door and down the hallway until he’s standing in front of Jiwon’s apartment. He raps once on the door, excited and impatient, and then again when there’s no immediate response. There’s a dull thump inside and then Jiwon’s voice calls,

“Yeah I’m coming hold on.”

A second later the door swings open. Jiwon’s still in the clothes he was wearing when Hanbin left, and his eyes are red and a little swollen like he’s been crying. They widen in shock when they see Hanbin, surprise written all over his face. For a second he’s silent, mouth trembling as he looks for words that don’t come. Finally he manages to find his voice.

“What are you doing here?!”

He asks, voice high and confused. Hanbin shrugs, smiles.

“I’m not going.”

He says simply. Jiwon shakes his head,

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re going!” He reaches out to spin Hanbin, trying to push him down the hallway, “Come on, if you go now you can still make your flight. I’ll call another taxi for you, jesus this is cutting it close.”

Hanbin lets Jiwon shove at him ineffectually but doesn’t budge and finally Jiwon gives up trying.

“What about Germany?” he asks, “What about your future, and the job? I thought this is what you wanted.”

Hanbin reaches into his pocket and fishes out his ticket, holding it up in front of him and tearing it in half. He lets the pieces fall and they both watch them float to the floor.

“It was what I wanted. I just realized I didn’t want it without you.” He says quietly, honestly. “We’re a package deal, you and me. Like it or not you’re stuck with me for the long haul now.”

“What about your job? What are you going to do here now?”

Jiwon asks, and there’s a heartbreaking note of hope that’s entered his voice.

“Hayi’s still going to German, she said she’d take care of it. And I’ll figure things out here, somehow. It’ll be all right. We’ll be alright.”

It feels good to say, we, not just Hanbin and Jiwon, but the two of them against the world. It feels right. For a long moment Jiwon just stares down at the torn pieces of paper sitting on the carpet by his foot, and his face is unreadable. Finally though he looks up at Hanbin, smile blooming on his lips, and it’s like the sun coming out.   
“You are a crazy fucking idiot Kim Hanbin, but I’m so glad you didn’t get on that plane.”

He says, and kisses Hanbin hard on the mouth. When he finally pulls away Hanbin smiles back at him, feeling lighter then he has since he met with Hayi in that coffee shop three months ago.

“I love you too.”

He laughs, and it’s the truest thing Hanbin’s ever said. Love isn’t easy, Hanbin knows that well by now. He and Jiwon aren’t perfect, never will be and they will fight and hurt and heal and fight again. Love isn’t easy, it’s a choice, and Hanbin will always choose Jiwon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's kind of crazy to say but over a year and almost 70,000 words later I've finally finished Kintsugi! This has been the longest piece I've ever written to date and was definitely a journey for me. I just want to say thanks to everyone who left comments and read this even when I didn't update for months, you guys gave me the motivation to finish! I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this and thank you again <3
> 
> Sidenote: I've actually already started another fic which is going to be even longer and more involved then this one lol I probably be won't posting it for a while just because I really want to have a solid grip on where it's going first. If anyone's interested though I will be posting little character profiles over the next couple of weeks on my tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everywordnotsaid


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